FF8 How It Probably Really Went
by krazyfool
Summary: You all know the story of Final Fantasy VIII, you've seen it all, you think you know what happened. Well, let me shed some light on the situation. This is Final Fantasy VIII - How it Probably Really Went.
1. Chapter 1 Prologue

Word from the Author

Hello, and welcome to the epic story of Final Fantasy VIII! You may have read about, or even played through, this adventure yourselves and seen this tale first hand. Well, if you expect to read an accurate retelling of this tale, then you've come to the wrong place! A story that was once expressed with such pain and emotion is retold in a much more light-hearted style. This is, and will remain to be, Final Fantasy VIII: How It (Probably) Really Went.

Now, I pride myself on having a much more sophisticated humour. Here, you will not find cheap fart gags and sexual innuendos.

"Hey, what's going on over here?"

"Zell, I'm busy introducing the story, can you please go away."

"Dude, dude, wait. Do you smell that? I just cut one! Silent but deadly..."

"Zell, I said I didn't want fart gags and sexual... Oh my god! What the hell have you eaten?"

"Hey, I got a question; do you like bananas?"

"Sure. Why?"

"Hey Seifer, he likes bananas!"  
"Ask him where he parks his car!"

"Zell! Seifer! Please, just... I'm gonna kick your skinny little white ass!"

Roll titles.

Prologue

There you stand on a white sandy beach. The waves lap against the sand. It's all so peaceful. Just for a moment, everything makes sense and you can relax. But this is a Final Fantasy story; you know that in a moment, nothing's going to make sense. Enter mysterious voice.

"I'll be here," calls a voice from afar.

This raises some questions, mainly "who the hell is talking?"

The voice calls out again, "I'll be waiting here."

Wait, where the hell's here?

"I'll be waiting for you... So... If you come here..."

Wait, this is getting interesting.

"...You'll find me."

And...?

"I promise."

...And...?

His mind focused. He couldn't afford to lose focus. If he lost focus then he couldn't focus on the thing he was supposed to be focusing on. A young man, still a teenager, stood in the middle of a barren waste land. He flicked back his brown hair and brought himself back to reality. His weapon had been knocked out of his hand and was currently standing in the ground, the handle sticking upwards.

"That went better than expected," he thought to himself.

He looked up at his opponent. He had a smug grin on his face, overly proud with himself. The joke was on him; he was the one with a bad fashion sense. What kind of person wears a white trench coat anyway, he looked like a lab assistant. He had slick blond hair with just a little flick of hair that hung over his face. It was apparently called "style". To most people though, it was called "ridiculous". He advanced at the brown haired man. Their weapons met. Both men used a unique weapon called a "gunblade". It was an odd cross between a sword and a gun. The handle was that of a firearm, while the rest of it was a blade from a sword. Some would wonder why, in a world of guns, someone would choose this as a weapon. Some, on the other hand, would rather not aggravate the people who have such a dangerous weapon; some would leave them to it and just call them "special" behind their backs, i.e. the smart people. The clang of metal still resonated through the air. They swung back their weapons and sliced at their opponent again. Once, twice, three times their blades met. They danced around the battlefield like it was some sort of overly aggressive tango they were doing.

"Come on, chicken wuss, are you actually gonna land a shot," said the blond haired man, smirking. He held out his hand and beckoned the brown haired man forward.

"Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong..." The brown haired man lunged forward. Their blades hit again and again.

"We're not really getting anywhere, are we?" panted the blond haired man.

"Surely we can settle this another way? Chess maybe?" said the brown haired man.

"Sure, chess is good."

The two men settled down to a quiet game of chess. They set up their pieces.

"I'll be white," said the brown haired man.

"Whoa, wait, I want to be white!" exclaimed the blond haired man.

"You were white last time!"  
"Shut up! No I wasn't!"

"You wanna start something?" the brown haired man stood up, inflating his chest.

"You wanna start, we can start? It's on like Donkey Kong!"

The brown haired man paused, "wait, I already used that line."

"Oh, sorry. Fine, it's on like... like... Stuff this, it's on!"

The two men picked up their weapons and continued to clash. They both dipped and dived as the other slashed frantically. The brown haired man swung hard and hit the blond haired man with force. Luckily, he used his gunblade as a substitute shield. Again and again the brown haired man hit, the blond one cowering.

"Do you ever let anyone else have a go? God knows what you're like in bed," the blond haired man broke free from the oncoming attacks and swung violently. The brown haired man barely had time to jump out of the way. He ran forward, but the blond haired man was too quick; he had conjured up a fire ball and aimed it squarely at the brown haired man. It hit his gunblade hard and he was thrown to the ground. He was dazed. The blond haired man loomed over him, a smug grin etched on his face. The brown haired man didn't know what was coming next. Some would think this was the end of the fight. Some would think the blond haired man would offer his hand to the brown haired man and pull him to his feet. Some would think it would go "bam chicka wow wow". But, unfortunately, it didn't. He raised his gunblade and swung down, slashing at his face. Like a volcano, blood erupted from the newly formed wound.

"Dude, that really hurt."  
"Oh I'm so sorry. Does it hurt?"

"Yeah of course it does," tears welled in the brown haired man's face, "no need to be so aggressive."

"I'm sorry; want me to kiss it better?"

"Wait, what?"

"Er, I said, want me too, er... It's on like Donkey Kong!"

The brown haired man stood up and swung his own gunblade, dragging it across the ground, and sliced at his opponents face.

"An eye for an eye. Or should I say a gash for a gash."

"That was awful, that wasn't even a joke."

It was only at this point that the brown haired man realised he had actually lost quite a lot of blood. Woozy, and a little bit humiliated after having been heckled, the brown haired man collapsed and fell unconscious. The last thing he heard was the blond haired man saying "it's all right, chicks dig scars."


	2. Chapter 2 Scars and Scares

Chapter 1 – Scars and Scares

The sun shined in through the window onto the unconscious body of the young brown haired man. His eyes flickered open. He could hear the birds outside, chirping away. He used to be fond of the sound of chirping birds, but now he couldn't help but feel like strangling the noisy things. His eyes focused slightly; in front of him was the doctor, Doctor Kadowaki. The doctor was stood over the brown haired man watching him.

"Were you just watching me sleep?"

"Of course not, I have better things to look at, like myself," the doctor turned to face the mirror on the wall, but soon recoiled, "oh my god! Do I look like that?"

The doctor was heavily set, some would say big boned, some would say fat. Most would say lardass. Their hair was a wiry mess, and looked pretty greasy, and they had hands as rough as gravel. Basically, a typical man, except for the fact she was a woman. An ugly one at that.

"How are you feeling?" said the doctor.

"Ok," he lied. His forehead really hurt. He couldn't quite remember what happened. He remembered talking to Seifer that morning...

***

"Hey, Seifer."

"You got something to say chicken wuss? If you've got something to say, then say it!"

"I just said hi..."

"Oh, that's it. You. Me. Training area. Now. I'm gonna kick you're skinny little ass..."

The brown haired man was understandably bemused, "what the hell did I do?"

***

"Well, take it easy next time. You might not be so lucky." The doctor checked the brown haired man's eyes. It was somewhat uncomfortable. In fact, it lasted a little bit too long.

"So... Am I ok?"

"You're perfect... ly fine, perfectly fine. Can you say your name?"

"Squall."  
"Wait, that's not your name! Oh my, you're delirious. It's ok, you're not going to die. CALM DOWN, IT'LL BE OK!"

"Er, that is my name..."  
"Really? Then who the hell is 'Kadowaki'?"

There was an awkward silence.

"That's your name. You were reading 'name of doctor' instead of 'name of patient'" Squall said, peering at the Doctor's chart.

"Huh. How embarrassing."

The doctor checked over her chart.

"Maybe you should take it easy next time..."  
Squall had a sudden flash of Seifer's smug face. And his flowing blond hair and rippling muscles. "Wait, what am I thinking," thought Squall and he shook the image from his head.

"Yeah, well tell that to Seifer..."

A mixed look of worry and anger (and, to an extent, intrigue) swept across the doctor's face.

"You should just ignore that Seifer. With his blond hair and rippling muscles. Everyone else does."

The doctor didn't realise things were different with Squall and Seifer. They had a history, and Squall couldn't just run away, lest Seifer call him a 'chicken wuss'. Well, more than he usually does.

"Oh, I get it. You wanna be cool. You wanna be hip, fly, down with the kids. You wanna be daddy cool... Or puff daddy..."  
"What the hell are you on about?" Squall looked at his doctor, puzzled.

"Who's you're instructor... Quistis. I'll ring her now," she walked away to her desk and picked up the phone, "Quistis, this is Dr Kadowaki here. One of your students has been injured. It's Squall Leonheart. Yes, he is a prissy little weakling. Yeah, Seifer did it. I know, no guesses who the bitch is. Yeah, hurry up and get your fine ass down here!"

As the doctor talked on the phone, which Squall pretended he couldn't hear, a mysterious girl, not much older than Squall, walked up to the window that lay to Squall's right. She stood there watching him. In Squall's opinion, she was stood there a little too long.

"Can I help you?"

"Squall... So we meet again."

Squall sat up, "if you're the person that keeps ringing me, I told you, it was one night, I was drunk..."

She looked at him confused.

"You're not that person, are you?" she shook her head, "I was gonna say; you don't look like a guy..."

And with those words, she backed out of the infirmary, slowly, eyes wide in disbelief.

Squall lay back down. Not long after, Quistis walked into the infirmary. Quistis was one of, if not the youngest instructor at Balamb Garden. If you were to ask any person to describe Quistis Trepe, most would respond with "sexy", "smoking" or they may even just drool. Most people saw Quistis and saw the perfect woman; a slender figure, well developed and just the right amount of attitude. But when Squall looked at her, all he saw was:

"Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag."

She strolled up to Squall's bed.

"Trust you two. Now get up, we have class."

"But my head..."

"GET UP AND GET TO CLASS!"

And with that, Squall jumped up from his bed and ran to class, cowering along the way. Even though he now had a huge scar across his forehead from the incident, Quistis showed him no mercy. Some people would find that an attractive quality. Those people were generally "sexually insane".

Squall headed through the packed hallways of Balamb Garden. Judging by the large amount of people outside of class, Squall guessed class hadn't even started yet, which raised the question, why the hell was Quistis hurrying him to class.

"Domineering bitch," he thought.

Balamb Garden was, basically, a school. It taught your everyday subjects such as Maths and Science, and also your less typical subjects such as armed combat and warfare tactics. It aimed to train elite forces known as SeeD (whoever came up with the idea that SeeD's come from a Garden must have been having a laugh) whose job it was to clean up other people's messes, like glorified janitors. But hey, it may be a dangerous, life threatening job, but it pays insane wages and the girls love a bit of SeeD. Balamb Garden was one of three across the globe. It was safe to say Balamb was the best. Galbadia Garden was just full of pumped up overly aggressive jock types and Trabia Garden was just everyone else's bitch, who trained in arts of magic and organised exchange programs. And even that they occasionally messed up. Apparently, one student had ended up being transferred to some research center in the middle of the ocean. Funnily enough, they were never seen again.

Squall made his way to the second floor, where all the classrooms were. He headed inside his own classroom and took his seat at the back of the class, opposite Seifer.

"Nice scar, chicken wuss," smirked Seifer.

"Hey, Seifer, you have a scar too you know."

"Yeah, but mines way cooler, so suck on that!"

"Oh, sorry Seifer, but I'm not used to sucking. Unlike you."

Seifer had no time to come back with a witty comment, something he struggles at even when he has a good hour or so, as Quistis had stepped into the room. Class had started.

It was only a rumour, but word went that people in Quistis' class tended to do worse in class. It was really no surprise; every male in the class, except Squall and Seifer, the latter of whom was looking at himself in a mirror, was staring at Quistis. Quistis even had her own following of students who were devoted to her every action. They were somewhat overly defensive of Quistis...

***

It was a warm summer's day not long ago. Squall had just finished class.

"Damn," he said holding a sheet of paper, "she gave me a C?"

And then, seemingly out of nowhere, emerged a small gang of similar aged students.

"Excuse me," said one of the members, "but is there something wrong with Ms. Trepe's marking?"

"No, I just..."

Another member stepped forward and grabbed Squall, "You just what? Are you too good for Ms. Trepe's C?"

"I need an adult!"  
The third member stepped in front of Squall and grabbed him by the collar, made even more humiliating by the fact she was a she and a whole foot smaller, "you don't even deserve a D from Ms. Trepe!"  
Squall looked his female attacker up and down, and asked, "Should I be scared or turned on?"

***

Back in reality, Quistis was still talking. It appeared she was talking about today's field exam.

"About today's field exam," looks like Squall was right, "yes, the rumours are true, it is today. Those who will be participating in the SeeD exam must be ready at 1600 hours. And make sure you go to the toilet BEFORE we leave, we are NOT going to stop for toilet breaks. Anyone who isn't going must remain in class. Anyone who was too stupid to put pen to paper and pass the written task well, ha ha, sucks to be you."

It appeared she was done. Squall sighed with relief; no embarrassing comments about his incident with Seifer...

"Oh and Seifer, try not to injure your classmates while training, especially the cute ones. If you must cause grievous bodily harm, do it to one of the ugly ones, like Carole."

She pointed to one of the girls on the front row. Seifer banged his fist on his desk.

"Class over. Get the hell out of here. Squall, if you would kindly stay behind. We need to talk."

A few of Quistis' fans shot him looks of jealousy. One person looked as if they were about to cry. Squall knew what it was about. He headed to the front of the class. Quistis was talking to her moronic followers who gazed at her. Some even had the decency to actually look at her face instead of her chest.

"Squall, have you been to the Fire Cavern yet?"

"Er... no," Squall said tentatively.

"If you want to take part in today's field exam then you have to go to Fire Cavern, you know that don't you?"  
"Er... yeah."

Quistis struck Squall, "then why haven't you done it?"

"That hurt..."  
"Answer her you little bitch," said one of Quistis' followers.

"Yeah, answer me you little bitch."

"I was preoccupied..."

"Doing what?"

"Seifer."

Quistis stood, dumb-struck. Squall quickly tried to correct himself.

"I mean, this morning when he gave me a taste of his gunblade."

Quistis was truly lost for words.

"I mean the incident where he cut my face open and gave me this scar. Remember?"

Quistis came back down to Earth, "of course. But that's no excuse. We have plenty of time until the field exam. I will accompany you to Fire Cavern. Meet me at the front gates. And we'll go together since you can't go on your own."  
"But..." Squall tried to retaliate.

"Wah, wah, wah. Just hurry up."

Quistis headed out of the classroom, closely followed by her loyal fans. Squall would quite happily miss today's exam just so he didn't have to spend time with Quistis. He headed to his desk and turned on his computer. He withdrew his GFs from storage.

GFs, or Guardian Forces, were key to combat. A person who could control a GF could summon forth a powerful being, almost god like, into battle to assist them. Currently, Squall had two GFs, Shiva and Quezacotl. He junctioned them and stood up. He was ready for battle. But he thought it would be much funnier if he made Quistis wait.

"That'll teach the bitch for hitting me." Squall stood up and smugly strode out of the classroom.

---------

So this is my first proper chapter. Please read and review!

Updates will, from now on, come every Friday, so if you're a fan, please tune in on Fridays to read a new chapter.

Ok, begging over. Hope you enjoyed.


	3. Chapter 3 O M G Directory!

Chapter 2 – O. M. G. Directory!

Squall emerged from the classroom. The corridor was empty; all the classes must have finished. Squall headed for the elevator. As he turned the corner to the corridor on which the elevator stood, a young woman, same age as Squall, crashed into him. She hit him head on and was thrown to the floor. Squall couldn't help but be proud; he had no idea he was manly enough to make a girl fall over. Now he could take on that girl that beat him up two days ago.

"Ouch," said the girl, "ooh, hello! Are you going to help me up?"

"No." Squall said.

"Oh," she picked herself up, "I don't think I would..."

"Would what?"

"Have relations with you, I do like a bad boy but you seem like the kind of guy that lasts five minutes and then cries for fifteen more."

"Jokes on her," Squall thought, "I can last seven and cry for ten. Her loss."

"Did you just come out of that classroom?"  
"Yeah."  
"Has class finished?"  
"Yeah."

"Can you give an answer that isn't just one word?"  
"Sure."

The girl laughed at Squall, "hey, I'm new here. Could you give me a tour?"

"I'm kind of busy..."  
The girl looked at Squall with unbearable puppy dog eyes.

"Fine," Squall sighed, "I can't give you a proper tour, but I can do something."

He set off for the elevator, girl in tow, and pressed the button for the elevator. It arrived and out emerged a young man, holding something in his hands.

"Hey, dude," said the young man, "want some cards."

Squall stared wide eyed at the cards, a droplet of sweat trickled down his brow.

"No. No cards..."

"I don't really like the game, so you can have them," he thrust the cards into Squall's hands.

"No cards!" said Squall in a shrill voice. Squall didn't like cards. Last time he had some, it wasn't a pretty sight.

***

One year ago. While on a day trip to Balamb, Squall picked up a pack of cards.

The shopkeeper handed him the cards, "they're insanely popular. There are over one hundred of them to collect."

Suddenly, a sleeping beast woke up inside Squall. His inner kleptomaniac, a raging beast, growled deep within.  
"Cards. Must collect cards."

He headed back to Balamb Garden, grabbing anyone he could.

"Play cards!"

"I'm a bit busy, man..."  
"Play cards! Play cards! Me want cards!"

"Dude, get off me!" Said man quickly broke free and fled.

For the entire week, Squall chased whoever he could, searching for cards he didn't own. He even chased a young lad around Garden for there were rumours of him owning a very rare card. He knew he should quit after this event, as well as the time he was caught in a girl's room at one in the morning, even though he was there only to play cards. After that, he threw away his cards and vowed never to play again...

***

But, one year later, like some twisted anniversary celebration, he was handed some more cards.

"They're only cards," said the young girl, confused, "we should play sometime, I have loads of cards!"

"Me want play cards," growled something deep inside Squall, "not now," he thought, "he had stuff to do."

"Let's go. Quickly."

They entered the elevator and arrived on the ground floor. In front of them was the Directory. It was, quite simply, a map of the Garden. Squall approached the Directory with the girl in tow.

"This is the Directory. Enjoy." Squall started to head away.

"Wait. I don't understand. What's the liberry?"

"Wait, what? You mean Library?" Squall couldn't quite believe the level of stupidity. He was surprised she wasn't picking fleas out of his hair and throwing faeces everywhere.

"Fine. We'll start at the top and work our way round. This is the dormitory. Most students live here..."

"Oh my god! I live here!"

"Well it'd be a hell of a commute..." Squall laughed. The girl, unsurprisingly, didn't.

"This is the cafeteria, where you go to eat..."  
"Oh my god! I eat!"

Squall had to stifle a laugh. Unfortunately, he was unsuccessful and laughed quite blatantly in her face. He spent the next ten minutes explaining the rest of the Garden, including the library ("Oh, a LIBRARY. I get it now").

"This is the car park. There's cars and stuff here..." Squall sighed, bored.

"Right. They have cars, how about automobiles?"

"Wait, what? Cars and automobiles are the same thing."

"No... What about..." she paused, musing over the topic.

Squall moved on, "this is the quad, a sort of hang out point, and they're planning a festival that'll take place here."

"O. M. G. I'm thinking of joining in!"  
"Did you just say OMG? Seriously?"

"LOL, of course I did. Want to help out with the festival?" she said, looking at Squall wide eyed.

"LOL," he thought, "there goes the English language..."

"Training Center. Be careful, lots of monsters here," Squall said, "such as Seifer," he thought.

"And that's the infirmary; the doctor here is called Dr. Kadowaki. She's a nice enough doctor, but some of the girl's don't like her for some reason..."

***

Many stories circled the Garden regarding Dr. Kadowaki. Some girls claim to have had conversations like this:

"Er, Dr. Kadowaki, I have a bad cough, could I get some medicine or something?"

"We're going to have to check that cough first."

"Er, why do you need to put surgical gloves on?"  
"No questions. Now sit on the bed. Skirt off."

Some girls say they've gone into the infirmary for a check up, only to be drugged and wake up confused, half naked and with no money. But then again, they're probably just making a mountain out of a molehill.

***

"There is a third floor, where the Headmaster's office is, but you need permission to go up there. He's called Headmaster Cid. Are you even listening?"

"Sure you can! Thanks Squall, I'm gonna go to the infirmary now and register!"

And with that, the girl set off for the infirmary.

"Er, wrong way."

"Oh, cool!"

And with that, the girl set off for the infirmary. Again.

After going to his dorms to pick up his gunblade, and then being harassed by people asking to see his gunblade, and then himself harassing people to play a game of cards (including a run in with an old nemesis; damn that kid that spends all day running around Garden) Squall eventually made it to the front gate. There was Quistis, waiting, tapping her foot impatiently; as if she had been stood there for ages, even though Squall literally just saw her arrive, she was like three feet in front.

"About time, I was waiting for ages."

"BS," thought Squall. He then made the mistake of verbalising said thought. Quistis was, understandably, annoyed. She had changed out of her uniform and into her normal clothes. She looked like she was trying too hard to be 'cool'. She had an awful coloured dress; pink or peach or some crap colour. She had gloves, at least, they seemed to be gloves. They were more like sleeves. They were a mix of both. Either way, they were laughably unstylish. It also looked like she was trying to cover every possible piece of skin, as if she were trying to avoid looking like a prostitute, but unfortunately, it did come across a bit whoreish. But what did Squall know; he was wearing a leather jacket with fur collar and matching leather pants. And two belts. They both looked like they had stumbled through the nearest clothes store. But hey, this is a Final Fantasy game; they have to dress like morons. Some would say they dress "uniquely". Others would simply laugh at them.

"Are you ready?"  
"Yes, Quistis."

"It's Ms. Trepe to you, I am your teacher."  
"Yes, Ms. Trepe."

"Have you junctioned your GF?"  
"Yes, Ms. Trepe," sighed Squall.

"Good, then we're ready. You take the lead Squall, if you're man enough."

Squall was hurt by the comment, but he'd show her he was man enough. Off they went, Squall leading the way, being manly enough. Off to the Fire Cavern.

-------

There's the next chapter. Read and Review please.

Nice to see there are some fans out there, it means a lot. Motivation to carry on!

Not much to say but see you next Friday!


	4. Chapter 4 Man's Greatest Weakness

Chapter 3 – Man's Greatest Weakness

It was a nice day. You could go as far as saying beautiful. Not that Squall cared. After his accident he seemed to be less like himself. It was as if Seifer had knocked all the care and emotion out of Squall. To be fair, he was never the emotional type. The walk from Garden to the Fire Cavern was a good twenty minute walk. And, considering Squall was far from a conversationalist, twenty minutes of silence makes for a very awkward journey.

"Have you junctioned your GF?" inquired Quistis.

"Yes. You already asked me that," retorted Squall.

"Ok, no need to get pissy. Have you junctioned your magic?"

Squall sighed, "yes, believe it or not, I do remember all the basics I have been taught."

Quistis rolled her eyes and mimicked what Squall had just said. For an Instructor, she was rather immature.

"Do you remember how to use your gunblade?"  
Squall stopped in his tracks. He had trained for years, perfecting his skills with the weapon that most people couldn't handle. He was deeply offended by Quistis' inference that Squall couldn't use his own weapon.

"Excuse me? Do I know how to use my gunblade? The same gunblade I have used for over five years? No Quistis, I now realise I am quite incapable of using MY weapon. At the same time I forgot how to properly socialise and how to use the shitter."

Quistis was quite taken aback by the comment, which was far from over.

"When we met at the front gate, did I say 'oh, Quistis, do you remember how to use your chain whip?' It seems that all the vital knowledge has slipped out of my head and gone on a frigging vacation! Oh no, I forgot how to walk!" Squall collapsed on the floor.

"I get the idea..."

"In fact, I've forgotten why I'm here. Where the hell are we going? What the hell is my name? I can't remember."

Quistis was stunned into silence. She strode ahead of Squall.

"Seriously. Yes. Yes I remember how to use my bloody gunblade."

They carried on walking, Quistis slightly ahead. Over the next few minutes, Quistis slowed her pace so her and Squall would be in line. She was biting her bottom lip, as if holding something back. She eventually came level with Squall.

"Sorry about that, Squall, I was just being dutiful teacher," she was still biting her lip, something which Squall had noticed.

He waited with bated breath.

"You do know how to use the trigger mechanism, don't you?"

***

After another ten minutes, and more harsh words, they reached Fire Cavern. They may have been outside of the cavern still, but the heat from inside seemed to seep outside. Outside the entrance to the cavern were two Garden Faculty members. Rather mysterious people were the Faculty members. They were hired by the actual owner of Garden rather than the headmaster. The owner was shrouded in mystery; no one had ever actually seen him. His assistants were equally mysterious; they were donned in purple robes and the yellow caps they wore helped cover their faces. Squall had lived most of his life at Balamb Garden, but he had never seen the face of a Faculty member. Even today, Squall couldn't help but wet himself a little bit every time he saw one.

"Name?"  
"Squall Leonheart."

"Your objective: to obtain a low-level GF. A SeeD member must support. Hello, Instructor Trepe."

Quistis gave the Faculty member a sly wink, to which he, or she (very hard to tell which), did not respond.

"Select a time limit."

Squall had the choice of a time limit ranging from ten minutes up to forty minutes, jumping in ten minute intervals. It was at this point Squall doubted his own ability; could he accomplish the task in ten minutes? He heard from the horse's mouth that Seifer had done it within ten minutes. He couldn't let his rivalry with Seifer hinder his chances of becoming SeeD. So what if Seifer did it quicker. Did it mean he was better? No. Or did it? Was Seifer better than Squall? Would Squall be put to shame if he couldn't match Seifer's time? Would he have to live on the streets of Balamb, begging people for money, dancing for their entertainment while playing 'pop goes the weasel' on a recorder? Squall's answer; hell no.

"Ten minutes."  
Quistis gasped rather dramatically.

"Squall, I know why you're doing this but don't be a moron. Be the bigger man and show Seifer true talent comes from the ability to balance strength and reasoning."  
Squall pondered this. It was true that he was being foolish. It was true that he was being the bigger man. But Squall couldn't help but think of Seifer's smug face, and the fact that said face could do with a shave.

"Ten minutes. My mind has been made up."

Quistis had no choice but to agree; she was only there to advise and assist, not dictate. They headed into the cavern.

The heat was immense, sorry to be cliché, but it was like being in an oven. That was on the Sun. Squall had no time to waste. He could stand there and pant like a dog, but that would be inappropriate, mainly because Squall had the ability to sweat unlike a dog, so panting was rather unnecessary. They journeyed deeper into the cavern. The monsters inside Fire Cavern were bountiful. The entire cavern spawned Buels and Bombs. Squall found no trouble dispatching these low level creatures, which was handy considering he had limited time.

"You're an idiot, Squall," Quistis eventually said, "ten minutes. Let me guess why you chose such an inappropriate time; Seifer by any chance."

She was right, "you're wrong. I decided to challenge myself."

"You're going to fail. That means you won't become a SeeD until next year."

"So be it."

They carried on. With just over seven minutes left, Squall was getting nervous. He felt like vomiting, but such an act would be inappropriate in front of a lady.

"Too bad there isn't one here, then," thought Squall.

They battled through the cavern and reached a large pool of lava; the home of Ifrit. And Squall had just over five minutes to beat him.

"Shit," thought Squall. He could already see Seifer laughing in his face at the prospect of Squall failing.

The earth below them started to shake violently. Squall took a deep breath and readied his weapon. Quistis took a seat on a nearby rock and pulled out a gossip magazine.

"Not going to help?"  
"I only step in if you're life's in danger."

Squall gulped. The lava in the pool started to ripple, and soon, it started to spurt into the air. Eventually, a giant ball erupted from the pool and landed on the ground. In front of Squall was a large beast. Its mane was full of lava, which it shook out. It flexed its muscles and growled at Squall.  
"Oh hell no," Squall cried as he turned to run out of the cavern. With a quick snap of her whip, Quistis had Squall by the ankle.

"Don't chicken out now," she said without looking up from her magazine; she was obviously too busy reading about a scandal with the President of Esthar.

"WHO AWOKE ME?" growled the large beast.

Squall timidly raised his hand. He had about five minutes left.

"I GUESS YOU WANT TO FIGHT ME? I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF WATCHING AN EPISODE OF FRIENDS."  
"Well I guess this is the one where I kick your ass," Squall said, feeling more confident.

"IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!" roared Ifrit. He swung his fist and Squall quickly jumped out of the way, the fist narrowly missing him. Ifrit reminded Squall of Seifer; they were both overly aggressive, overly confident, they both liked to throw their weight around and they were both generally assholes.

Squall was struggling to land a hit. Forty seconds into the fight and he hadn't struck a blow. Ifrit continued to pound the ground with his fists, missing Squall each and every time. He quickly grew impatient, and formed a fireball out of nowhere, and threw it at Squall. It hit him square in the chest, taking the air out of him.

Squall had been taught well; if there was one thing he knew, it was that fire is weak against ice, and he just so happened to have a GF who specialised in ice; Shiva. Ifrit seemed very proud in how the battle was going, but not for long. Squall called upon the warrior within him, and Shiva arose from the ground, covered in ice.

"Oh, shit," said Ifrit, "you have Shiva."  
"Yeah, fire's weak against ice," Squall smugly exclaimed.

"But that's not the problem..." winced Ifrit.

The ice in which Shiva was encased started to shake and eventually shattered. Shiva wiped all of the ice out of her flowing hair. While Ifrit emitted heat, Shiva gave off a cool breeze, negating the sweltering heat in the cave. Shiva slowly opened her eyes and raised her hand, ready to cast her icy spell. But she didn't. Her eyes fell upon the now cowering Ifrit. She tilted her head, simply observing the once powerful creature.

She took a deep breath and with a large cry she said "YOU!"

She still didn't cast a spell; instead, she walked over to Ifrit and slapped him hard across the face.

"You said you'd call."

Quistis looked up from her magazine and joined Squall in being completely confused.

"Well?" Shiva said.

"I lost the number..." Ifrit said timidly.

"What a load of BS," she said, "Now man up and tell me why you didn't call. Did you not like me?"

"Well, you weren't my type."

I wasn't your type? So smart and sexy isn't your type."  
Ifrit rolled his eyes, "yeah, but I also don't like the domineering side, or the bossy side. And you could have paid some of the bill!"

Shiva edged closer, "excuse me? Bossy? Domineering? You don't see me complaining about your body odour. You have to make sacrifices in a relationship!"

"We went on one date to some crappy Italian place."

"It wasn't bad..."

"The owner wasn't even Italian, he was Australian!"

Squall had three minutes left, and he was getting nowhere, but he felt it was wise to not intervene.

"You still could have rang me and told me you didn't want to go on another date."

"What? Who the hell would do that? If you don't mind, I have a battle to fight..."

"Oh hell no, we're settling this right now. So what was wrong with me?"

"I said, you're bossy and rude..."

"No, I want to know what's WRONG with me..."  
"I just said... This is why it wouldn't have worked; you don't listen!"  
"Of course I am, you're just talking rubbish."  
"Hey guys, what's going on?"  
"And who's this?" Ifrit said pointing to a new arrival on the battlefield. This person, or GF, was Quezacotl, Squall's other GF. He had the figure of a bird, a giant green bird that controlled the element of electricity. His wings and chest were painted with dark tattoos.

"I'm Quezacotl; I'm here to do some fighting." In a last chance effort to actually win the fight, Squall summoned Quezacotl to finish off Ifrit.

"Oh, is this your boyfriend?" queried Ifrit, eyeing the giant bird.

"No, he's just a travelling companion..."

"I see, you're one of those women who have a finger in every honey pot..."  
"Are you calling me a skank?"

Squall had a minute and a half, his brow was sweating, probably from Ifrit, he was also shivering from Shiva and his hair was standing on end thanks to Quezacotl.

"Look, if there's something going on, I can leave," Quezacotl said, wisely trying to avoid the conflict.

"It's all right, I was gonna give us a chance Shiva..."

One minute left.

"But obviously you're busy with this guy. It's a shame; we could have been something good..."

Forty seconds.

"You little coward..." Shiva blurted.

Thirty-five seconds.

"You think you can get away like that. Me and this guy ain't doing anything, so you can stop worming your way out of a relationship."

Twenty seconds.

"You and I are going on that second date..."

Fifteen seconds.

"And you, my fiery little friend are going to enjoy it. Do you understand me?"

Ten seconds.

"I..." Ifrit stalled.

Eight seconds.

"You don't have an option. You are coming with us."

Five seconds. Four, three, two...

"Fine, I'll come. You have me beat, kid."

Squall couldn't believe it. The stress, which had most likely given him an ulcer, had been unbearable, but, somehow, he had done it. He had beaten Ifrit. The beast had truly been defeated by man's greatest weakness; a woman. Like all men in a relationship, the energy and life had been drained from him. He looked depressed and most likely the only thing he wanted to do was sit, watch television and drink beers. But that wasn't going to happen. Ifrit surrendered his self to aid Squall (and appease Shiva).

Squall spent the rest of the journey home looking smug. Sure, he hadn't actually physically done anything, but his choice to summon Shiva was what won him the battle. And he did it all with one second to spare. It didn't beat Seifer's time, but he did it with more style and finesse than Seifer ever could. The journey back to Garden was a quiet one. Squall wasn't sure whether Quistis was proud or annoyed, but Squall couldn't give a damn. In four hours, he would be heading off on a mission, doing someone else's dirty work, cleaning up someone else's mess and he'd most likely have to fight, and ultimately kill, another human being, all for someone who isn't strong enough to look after themselves. After this thought, Squall was a little less enthusiastic about his win. It was dampened even more by Quistis' smart comment; "you didn't actually do anything. A great quality for a SeeD."

---

Here's your Friday fix. As far as I know, there's a few people reading this, which is damn good news!

I'd really like some reviews, just for some sort of literary satisfaction. But hey, it don't matter.

Enjoy!


	5. Chapter 5 Discipline This!

Chapter 4 – Discipline This! (*Point to Crotch*)

Squall and Quistis soon arrived at Balamb Garden once again. They were both sweaty and dirty after their time in the Fire Cavern, where Squall managed to acquire the GF Ifrit, and he did it without even touching the beast. Squall was still undecided if this was a good thing or a bad thing. Either way he didn't care. They stood outside the Garden's gates.

"Well done, I suppose. That was certainly a unique performance." Squall didn't like the emphasis she put on the word "unique", she may have well have said "that was certainly the worst performance I have ever seen, and I've seen six year olds perform Shakespeare." But Quistis bit her tongue; she didn't want to offend any six year olds.

"We have three and a half hours before departure. I suggest you eat something; you can't work on an empty stomach. Meet at the Directory for briefing. And don't be late, lest you suffer my wrath," Quistis said, not joking one bit.

Quistis headed off, and Squall wasn't far behind her. She headed to the elevator, while Squall listened to Quistis' advice and headed for the cafeteria. Squall would have killed for one of Balamb Garden's famous hot dogs, but they were always sold out, which was baffling as they tasted quite disgusting. Rumours flew around that they contained nicotine, thus building up an addiction in people. This was most likely not true, if they even did such a thing, surely they would use a more addictive drug, like cocaine, but Squall was sure there would be some legal issues when it comes to drugging your students. Squall reached the canteen and his stomach turned when he saw who was there. It was bad enough that Carole was there; eating a burger, looking like she was devouring it whole, but Seifer was there also. Squall entered with his head held low, but Seifer noticed him instantly.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't scar-face, how's it going, scar-face?" Seifer said smugly. It was bad enough Seifer was there, but he had brought along his cackling hyena henchmen; Fujin and Raijin. Fujin was a girl of few words, usually only one at a time. She reminded Squall of a pirate, probably because of the eye patch and nautical attire; she also sported shocking silver hair, most likely dyed to be "different" from the crowd. She easily had control over monkey number two, Raijin. Wearing pants that were rejects of the MC Hammer wardrobe, he was easily the most stupid person Squall knew. Most likely the brawn of the pack, he followed Seifer everywhere. If Seifer wasn't there, he would follow Fujin. If neither of them were there, Raijin would probably sit in a corner and cry. Together, the three of them made up the disciplinary committee, or "weak excuse to bully people and get away with it." They regularly scolded people for the most random of things...

***

The disciplinary committee were infamous throughout Balamb Garden. Seifer probably had an image that he was feared, more likely he was ridiculed. Squall had witnessed many occasions where the disciplinary committee took things too far.

"Do you know why we stopped you, son?" Seifer asked.

"Er, no," quipped the boy.

"You were running inside of the Garden, you could have injured someone. Someone could have been killed by your stupid actions. Killed. KILLED! Do you want the bloods of young students on your hand, leading to sleepless nights full of nightmares where the souls of the deceased haunt your sub conscience. Is that what you want? IS IT?"  
"Not really," sighed the boy.

"Add him to the list, Raijin."

"What's your name, boy?" Raijin said in an attempt to be intimidating.

"Jass. Hugh Jass."

Raijin continued to take down the name.

"Raijin, it's a fake name," Seifer said.

"I think he knows his own name... How many 'C's in that?"

***

"So, did you get Ifrit, or did you fail?" Seifer said, hoping Squall would break down and cry.

"I did it, and I did it in ten minutes," Squall said smugly. The look on Seifer's face was one of agony and disgust.

"Really?"  
"And I did it without laying a finger on him."  
"BULL!" cried Fujin.

"Bull indeed, how is that possible?" queried Seifer, clearly shocked at the revelation.

"If you don't believe me, you can just ask Instructor Trepe," as he said this, he noticed one of Quistis' followers perk up in the background.

It took a second for Seifer to respond, "you know what, I'll believe you. I know I did way better than you anyway. Come on guys, let's go discipline. I think I saw a kid eating an out of day candy bar, let's go teach his ass a lesson."

And with that, Seifer and his cronies left the cafeteria; off to bully innocent children just to make himself feel better.

Squall purchased some food and sat on his own, eating his sub-standard meal. He had plenty of time to waste, so he played a few people at cards, just for fun. Well, kind of. When he noticed someone had a very rare card, Squall lost most of his composure ("CARD! ME WIN CARD!"). After that moment of losing his cool, he decided to spend his last hour in the training center, fighting some monsters and drawing some magic, the usual stuff. After his workout, Squall headed to his room to change into his SeeD uniform. His uniform was all navy blue, with silver lining. The girls also had a yellow scarf to accompany their attire. Squall readied himself for the upcoming battle. He wished he hadn't eaten anything, because it seemed like it was about to make a reappearance at any moment. Squall eventually worked up the courage and headed for the Directory.

When Squall arrived, all of the other candidates were already there, including Seifer who had decided against wearing a uniform, which made him, if anything, more of a moron. Squall knew he would fail, he couldn't even be bothered changing. In fact, when was the last time he washed his coat?

"Squall. Over here," he saw Quistis beckoning him over. She had changed into her SeeD uniform, "I'm about to announce the squad assignments. Let's see... You're with Zell Dincht."

"Oh crap..." thought Squall.

"He's quite a... erm..."  
"Ass," said Squall

"I was going to say lively, but yours works too. Zell, over here," Quistis waved over Zell.

Now, any normal person would simply place one leg in front of the other and walk towards Quistis and Squall, but Zell was no normal person. Some people thought that Zell may have been dropped on his head as a baby, or the years of martial arts training had affected his brain, Squall didn't really care as long as he wasn't with Seifer.

Zell, obviously thinking he needed to put on a show, punched the air a few times, sweeping and kicking all over the place. He had to stop momentarily, obviously too dizzy from all the spinning around. Zell had a tattoo covering most of the left side of his face, it was, to say the least, a ghastly image. When he recovered, he headed towards Quistis and Squall, back-flipping all the way. It would have been impressive if he hadn't landed on his rear. Squall, and probably Quistis too, stifled a laugh. Zell stood up, rubbing his backside.

"Whoa! I'm with you!" Zell exclaimed, holding out a hand to Squall, the same hand that had just been rubbing his backside. Squall decided against it, instead putting on a cool façade.

"You're a fun guy... Whoa, cool scar! Is that were Seifer got you? I heard he whooped you this morning..."  
"We were training, not fighting. I don't even care about Seifer, let him gloat..."  
"Yeah, I know! He's a right pain in the ass. If I could, I would so kick his ass, wipe that smug grin off his face and watch him suffer! I HATE HIM!" It looked like Zell was on the verge of tears, which amused Squall.

"Ahem," Quistis cleared her throat, "that Seifer you are talking about is..."

"If she says he's our team leader, I'm not gonna be happy," Squall thought.

"Your squad leader. Seifer, over here please."

"I'm definitely not happy," thought Squall. This was the worst scenario; Squall, Seifer and Zell. Any of them would be lucky to make it through the mission alive, hell, if they made it to the docks alive.

Seifer strolled over, Fujin and Raijin in tow. Seifer, as per usual, looked smug, like the control he had was going to his head. In fact, his head looked two times bigger than usual. Squall could only hope it was a tumour of some sort.

"Seifer, you are the Squad Captain. Good luck to you!" Quistis said happily.

"Luck? Save that for a bad student who needs it." Seifer scoffed.

"Ok. Good luck, Seifer." Quistis totally burned Seifer, and proceeded to high five Squall, but not Zell, he needed to wash his hands first.

"Raijin... No, Fujin, add Instructor Trepe to the list..." Seifer said, not amused.

"What list?" Quistis gulped.

"My death list," Quistis was taken aback by the revelation, "don't worry, it's only a name. Maiming list didn't sound as good to me."  
"Am I on that list?" asked Zell.

"Of course. You are number two on my list. Guess who number one is..." Seifer said, eyeing up Squall.

"Whoopee," Squall said unenthusiastically.

"Right! You three are in Squad B! I am the Instructor in charge. Let's work like a team," an impossible task considering the mix of participants.

"Everyone here?" a warm voice said. The voice belonged to Headmaster Cid, "good, twelve of our finest students in Squads A through D..."

Squall couldn't help but lose interest, in fact everyone seemed to have lost interest, including Seifer (who was staring at his reflection in the floor), Zell (who was staring into the distance blankly), in fact, the only person listening was the girl Squall met that morning, the transfer. She looked so hyper, Squall wouldn't be surprised if it turned out she'd consumed the cafeteria's entire supply of cola.

Squall realised he hadn't heard anything said at all, "and that's why you should always tip your Waiter. Learn from them, obey their commands and accomplish the mission. Best of luck," Headmaster Cid waved the troops goodbye. Squall was still wondering if he had actually heard the Headmaster say "waiter".

Everyone moved out, towards the Car Park. All of Squad B, including Quistis, climbed into a lemon yellow armoured car, not exactly the most discreet colour. This was it. 1600 hours, and soon they would be on a real battlefield against real enemies. Squall looked on the bright side; they couldn't be any worse than Seifer. And if the worst were to happen, at least Zell could scare them off.

-----

Sorry it's about a day late, damn internet was down...

Not much to say, big thanks to those who bothered to review.

To sissyHYAH, don't worry, all characters will have their chance to shine. And as for Quistis attacking Squall, well, that would be an inappropriate thing for a Teacher to do...

Please read, enjoy, review and all that jazz. Thank you and goodnight!


	6. Chapter 6 The Chicken, The Bitch

Chapter 5 – The Chicken, The Bitch and The Rivals

Their yellow armoured vehicle cautiously drove to the nearby town of Balamb, a quaint little town, complete with dock and train station, the only ways off of the island. Squall was actually relieved to be leaving the island, he always wanted to see some sights, maybe sit on a beach without being attacked by fastitocalon. The number of times he had tried to have a picnic and had been ambushed by the horrible little sand creatures. If it wasn't them, it was those bloody ants...

Squall hadn't realised that Zell had been talking to him when he eventually snapped out of it.

"Come on man, show me it!" Zell pleaded.

Squall wasn't quite sure what "it" was.

"Just whip it out!" Zell asked desperately.

"Is this really the place..." Squall said.

"I just want to touch it!"

"Whoa," Squall said jumping up, "line crossed, look at Seifer's if you must! Or your own!"

"But I don't have one..." Zell said.

Squall stared, eyes wide. Words seemed to fail him.

"And he's not going anywhere near my gunblade," Seifer said

Squall quickly came to realise what Zell was talking about.

"You're really protective over your gunblade..." Zell said disappointedly.

Squall sat back down.

"Why you gotta be so selfish. Scroooge."

Squall stayed silent. In fact, everyone did, even Zell. Although, it didn't take Zell long.

He stood up in the unusually roomy car, and started punching the air.

Seifer rolled his eyes, "Would you stop that, it's annoying... Chicken wuss..."  
"EXCUSE ME?" Zell shouted, puffing out his chest.

"I said, stop that... Chicken wuss."  
"Oh sorry, my bad. I thought you said something much worse. I mean, who would get annoyed at chicken wuss?" Zell said as he sat back down.

Seifer looked depressed at the fact that he hadn't offended Zell.

Silence fell in the car once again. This time, I was Squall who spoke.

"Quistis..."  
"INSTRUCTOR!" Quistis snapped back.

"I'm sorry, Instructor, who was that girl in the infirmary this morning?" Squall asked meekly.

Seifer sniggered.  
"I didn't notice anyone..." Quistis said.

Seifer carried on laughing.

"Great, we're about to enter a battle zone, and one of my Squad members is having girl issues! Ha!" Seifer burst out into a full blown guffaw.

"Hey shut up! Just cos you've got the hots for Squall!" Zell slyly said back.

"Hey chicken wuss! Shut it!"

"Hey, that chicken wuss name is actually quite annoying..." said Zell to himself.

"Wonderful, I've got a chicken wuss and a guy who's balls just dropped..." Seifer muttered.

The car remained quiet for most of the trip, save for Zell's random outbursts of noise, like he had tourettes. The car reached Balamb and parked at the docks. Waiting for them were vessels to carry them to their destination. Seifer got out first and confidently strode over the last remaining vessel. Squall, Zell and Quistis followed, all of them anxious. In fact, Zell was sweating so much he was going to flood the vessel if he didn't calm down, and it would already be full of testosterone. They boarded the vessel and sat down, two either side of a small table. They were joined by a current SeeD member, Xu. She had short, dark hair and was dressed in full SeeD gear. All eyes were on her, everyone's except Seifer. Xu took centre stage in front of a screen, in front of the party of four.

She waved at Quistis, "hi, Quistis!"

"Meet the members of Squad B. Quite a lively bunch, I'd say," she pointed out Seifer and Squall, who were sat opposite her.

Xu recognised Seifer, "Seifer, how many times has it been now?"  
"I just love these exams... As much as I love your sarcastic little smug face." Seifer said.

"Wow. Seifer doesn't really love anyone..." Zell said, the sarcasm lost on him.

"Right," chirped Xu, "our destination is Dollet Dukedom Parliament. SeeD forces were requested yesterday..."  
"Wait," thought Squall, "they only planned the SeeD exam yesterday? What the hell were we going to do if Dollet hadn't asked for help?"

If Dollet hadn't requested assistance, the SeeD exam could have ended up like last years exam, where SeeD were required to go to Timber and clear out all of the drunkards. God knows how Seifer failed that exam, although he did come home quite merry after the exam...

"Dollet was invaded by Galbadian forces. Dollet retreated not long after the invasion..." everyone let out a laugh, "currently, the Galbadian army is trying to reach the mountain."  
"What do they want that's up there?" Zell asked.

"Probably nothing, Galbadia just like throwing their weight around. If they get bored they invade somewhere," said Xu.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, what do WE do. When I say WE, I mean ME." Seifer said.

Everyone gave him looks of disgust, Xu responded, "Squad B are required to reach the central square and secure it, eliminating any Galbadian forces along the way."  
"Sounds important!" Zell said enthusiastically.

"Sounds boring. West Wing boring." Seifer said, rolling his eyes. He rolled his eyes so much, it was surprising they hadn't rolled right out of his head.

"I'm sure with that attitude you'll pass with flying colours!" Xu said sarcastically.

"Psst," whispered Zell to Xu, "that'll just encourage him..."  
Xu leaned over to Zell, "psst, I was being sarcastic,"

"Squall," Seifer barked, "go check outside."  
Squall had no choice but to follow orders.

"Yeah, I'm the boss, you HAVE to follow MY orders..."  
Yeah, we already established that. Squall exited the vessel interior and emerged outside, on the vessel's gun turret. Ahead of him he could see it; Dollet. He looked at the map he had picked up during the briefing. It showed Dollet and it's major areas; beach, civilian district, central square, radio tower. What did Galbadia want.

The vessel fast approached Dollet's shores, so Squall retreated inside.

"Anything interesting?" Zell asked.

"Yeah, some people were performing Shakespeare..." Squall retorted.

"Really? At this time? Some people are idiots..."  
"Yeah. Good job there aren't any in here," Seifer scoffed.

"Brace yourselves!" Shouted the vessel's captain.

Their vessel rushed over the sea, colliding with barricades along the way.  
"Johnny, go round the barricades!" Xu screeched.

The vessel carried along and soon enough hit the beach and came to an abrupt stop.

This was it; judgement day.

Squall's last thought was, "I need a change of pants."

------

Not a long chapter, I just thought this was the best place to stop.

Hope you enjoy! Keep reading and reviewing! Please...


	7. Chapter 7 A Taste of Things to Come

Chapter 6 – A Taste of Things to Come

The vessel crashed into the sandy shores of Dollet. Squall stood up, as did the rest of the team. The doors flung open and Xu ran out ahead, the rest hesitantly emerging into the war zone. Everyone except Seifer who strode out of the vessel as if he was on vacation.

"Remember! Secure the central square! Good luck!" Quistis shouted over the noise of war.

"Save luck for someone who needs it, Instructor!" scoffed Seifer.

"Oh can the crap and bugger off!" she shouted back.

"Let's move out" mumbled a disgruntled Seifer.

Seifer ran up the beach, his two team members in tow. They reached the stairs that would take them off the beach and up into the town. There were already some SeeD candidates there.

"Good luck you three!" shouted one of the chirpier ones.

Judging by the look on Seifer's face, it looked like he could have killed her, but he resisted. Nothing says bad SeeD candidate like murdering one of your own. They ran up the stairs, two, three steps at a time. They reached the top to find two paths, one of which was blocked by the burning remains of an upturned car. Luckily for squad B, it wasn't blocking their path.

"Look out! Here comes some Galbadian troops!" Zell shouted to Seifer.

"Oh thanks for that, there's me thinking they weren't Galbadian troops!" Seifer quipped.

The Galbadian forces were clad in the usual attire; a blue fabric layer, with metal armour covering the major points of the body. They also wore helmets with three red sights, used for, most likely, seeing.

The squad prepared themselves; Seifer and Squall drew their gunblades while Zell drew his fists.

"Dollet reinforcements!" shouted one of the two Galbadian troops to the other.

"Oh thanks for that, there's me thinking they weren't Dollet reinforcements!" quipped the other soldier.

"Hey look, Seifer, there's more than one of you..." said Squall.

"Ha ha ha, jackass..." Seifer sighed. He jumped into battle, slicing at one of the Galbadians, cutting through their armour, causing them to fall back, clutching at their chest.

The other troop member ran straight towards Seifer who spun out of the way of the oncoming attack, countering it by slicing into the back of the Galbadian troop. He stumbled up to his feet and swung his weapon maniacally at Seifer. Squall jumped in and cut him deep. The soldier crumbled and fell on the floor. He had done it; Squall had killed someone. It was a big moment for him, it'd take a person with a dark heart to kill mercilessly.

"Done and dusted," Seifer said moments after finishing off the other soldier, "feel free to jump in at any point, chicken wuss. Let's see if those pipe cleaners you call arms can actually do any damage..."

Zell bit his tongue; he didn't want to fail his exam for attacking his squad Captain.

Seifer moved on into the town of Dollet. The street they ventured through was full of shops and bars, it was your usual shopping district. They headed through the streets cautiously, well, all but Seifer, who marched through shouting at non-existent soldiers.

"Bring it on! Come out and show me what you're made of! Probably made up of cow droppings! Or something of equal patheticness!"

"Dude, patheticness isn't a word," Zell said to Squall.

"It is in Seifer's world..."  
"Well this ain't Seifer's world. If it was, then we'd all be licking his boots, and I don't see no one doing that..."

"Everyone except Fujin and Raijin..." Squall thought.

"Don't leave me hanging!" Seifer shouted. It appeared no one was listening.

Then, suddenly, above them they saw two Galbadian soldiers preparing to jump them. Seifer drew his sword and impaled the one who was going to land on him.

"Seifer's one rule: Seifer's always on top," he said discarding the now dead soldier.

The other soldier landed right in front of Zell. The soldier made a wild swing for his left arm and grazed it.

"Now you've done it," Zell said fuming, "no one messes with my arms! It's on like Donkey Kong!"

Zell, in one quick movement, hit the soldier right in the jaw with an uppercut from his left arm. He followed through with his right fist, landing it in the stomach. As the soldier landed on his knees, Zell lifted his right knee into his face with a dull crunch. The soldier collapsed, face on the cold street.

Zell stepped back, looking at what he'd done, the blood on his hands. It looked like a tear formed in his eyes; his innocence had been snatched away.

"Dude," he said solemnly, "that was awesome! Did you see me there! I was all like 'boom' and 'pow'!"

Squall seemed more taken aback than Zell.

"Great. I did that years ago. Let's keep moving," Seifer said unimpressed. It was likely that he was annoyed by Zell's approach to the situation. He had hoped Zell would have chickened out and run home to mummy.

Seifer ran ahead of Squall and Zell, up to the Central Square. Squall and Zell ran to keep up. When they arrived, Seifer had already finished off a stray soldier.

"You two scout the area," Seifer ordered.

"And what will you do?" Zell muttered.

The Central Square was exactly that; a central hub, with roads leading off to major parts of the city. There were also a couple of shops, an empty café and a hotel. All was quiet, except for a dog which was running around Seifer, who actually hated dogs. There were three paths; one from which they came, one which led to the mountain and another which was blocked off by vehicles.

"All clear!" Zell shouted.

As soon as that was said, two Galbadian soldiers pounced from behind the abandoned cars. With one swift movement, Squall eliminated the two guards.

"Maybe not!" Zell shouted.

They checked and rechecked three more times, until they were satisfied there was no one else.

"Go away, dog," Seifer barked at the poor animal, "now all we do is standby, how boring, and I know boring, I once saw one of those one woman monologues."

"They're enough to put you off women for life, am I right?" joked Zell.

"What he hell are you trying to say?" Seifer asked angrily.

"Dude, there was no malice in what I said, chill out," Zell said trying to cool off Seifer, "although, you got a little too offended. Trying to hide something?"

"Ok, that's it! My foot, your ass!" Seifer shouted, standing up and raising a leg.

But as Seifer approached a cowering Zell, a dull roar rang from further in the city. It appeared Dollet had started a counter attack on the Galbadian forces. Gunfire continued to ring out.

"Sounds like it's starting..." said Squall.

"Duh, you think," mocked Seifer, "bloody dog. Go! Shoo!" Seifer waved his gunblade at the little dog, who just sat there and looked at him.

"Dude, you're not scared of dogs, are you?" Zell asked.

Seifer glared at him, "of course not, what kind of baby is... Oh my god it just licked me!" Seifer jumped five feet into the air as the dog innocently licked his hand.

"Ew, gross!" he whined, wiping his hand on Zell, "and I don't just mean the dog," he followed this with a mocking laugh at Zell.

Minutes passed without anything happening. The most exciting it got was when the dog stepped towards Seifer, who proceeded to freak out and scream like a girl. Actually, that would be offensive to girls.

"Come on you Galbadian soldiers! Show me what you're made of! Probably made up of cow droppings. Wait, have I used that already?"

Squall and Zell nodded.

"Damn. Whatever. Come and show me what you've got!" Seifer taunted to the invisible foe.

"And I'm stuck here with dumb and dumber," he motioned to Squall and Zell, "you can work out who's who between yourselves."  
"Dude, I'm dumb," Zell said.

"You're right there..." Squall said back.

"And then there's this stupid mutt, who has done nothing but sniff me! What good are you?" Seifer shouted at the canine.

Almost immediately after Seifer shouted at it, the dog ran off to the other side of the square and started to howl. Galbadian troops were heading their way. And lots of them.

"Crap!" Seifer whispered as he ducked behind the fountain.

Squall dragged an oblivious Zell behind a low wall.

"Dude! What the..." Zell was stopped as Squall placed his hand over his mouth. He raised his other hand to his lips and signalled to Zell to be quiet.

Zell pulled away Squall's hand and whispered, "what the hell are you doing?"

Squall mouthed, "Galbadian troops."

"Oh yeah, of course. I didn't think you did it for some other reason. I certainly didn't get my hopes up..." Squall told him to be quiet again.

The Galbadian troops headed down the road leading to the mountains. When all was clear, the squad stood up.

"Where the hell are they going?" asked Zell. They all looked to the mountain. The only thing up there was the abandoned Radio Tower.

"What the hell is that?" Zell asked, despite me just saying it was the Radio Tower. Really, does anyone listen?

"That is our next destination!" Seifer said, pointing at the Tower dramatically.

"But, we're not supposed to..." Zell said meekly.

"Aren't you bored? Shouldn't we take liberties?"

"I thought we could play twenty questions. I've got a great one!"

"Is it 'dog'?" Seifer asked.  
"Ok, Seifer's go!" Zell said, beaming.

"Ok, two words, rhymes with wadio wower," Seifer said, uninterested.

"Squall..." Zell said, turning to the quietest of the three.

Squall looked at Zell, and then to Seifer, "I stand by the Captain's decision."

Zell stood there, open mouthed, lost for words.

"Well done. Want some action, do you?" Seifer smirked.

"I want to test my training. I didn't get this scar for nothing," Squall said, pointing to his head, "although they won't fight as dirty as you."  
Seifer gave out a single laugh, "you'll thank me when the time comes."

Seifer left for the mountain road, Squall following.

"You coming?" Seifer asked a stationary Zell.

"But this is an exam. Life changing!" Zell said, his voice cracking.

"Fine. Don't come. I don't need any girl scouts on my team," Seifer turned round and carried on up the mountain.

"Excuse me!? Girl scout?" Zell chased after the other two.

"So, what are we doing?" Squall asked his Captain.

"Well, we, Squad B, are to secure the Radio Tower. Let's move out!" Seifer marched ahead of the other two.

"He's an asshole," Zell said to himself as they headed up the mountain.

Squall couldn't help but wonder if following a sociopath into dangerous mountains was the smartest idea. He'd heard worse ideas, such as Seifer being made Captain in the first place.

-----

Here's your next slice of pie.

Next week they're gonna start getting longer. But until then, enjoy this!


	8. Chapter 8 The MisAdventures of Squad B

Chapter 7 – The (mis)adventures of Squad B

Squall and Zell followed their leader, Seifer, into the mountains, with the aim of flushing out Galbadian troops currently residing in the Radio Tower. Seifer was marching ahead of his team mates, smug as usual. He stood still and sniffed the air around him.

"Smells like it's gonna be a good day," he said before carrying on.

"How can he smell the future? The dude has some cosmic powers, either that or he's high," Zell said to Squall, loudly enough so Squall could hear, but quiet enough that Seifer couldn't. Unless he could smell noise as well.

"Seifer's just full of it. He thinks he's the best Captain in the world, let him have his moment," Squall said back, trying to reassure Zell.

Suddenly, Seifer stopped, "ssh, quiet! Can you smell that?"

"Smell what? Why the hell do I have to be quiet?"

As soon as Zell had spoken, an injured soldier crawled out of the bushes in front of them.

"He don't smell of anything. I think you're smelling things. I'd get Kadowaki to check it out," Zell said.

"Help... Me..." whimpered the injured soldier.

"I don't think so you aggressive little pig," spat Seifer.

"I think it's a Dollet soldier," Squall whispered to Seifer.

"Oh right," he said, "I don't think so you cowardly little bastard!"

"Seifer!" shouted Squall, "what are you doing?"

"Oh yeah, Dollet's on our side..." Seifer lowered his gunblade, disappointed.

"Don't worry, we're SeeD reinforcements," Squall said, bending down to tend to the soldier.

"The Galbadians! They've taken the Communication Tower..."  
"I feel like an idiot," Seifer interrupted, "I've been calling it the Radio Tower. How embarrassing."

"You gotta be careful, that place is a breeding ground for monsters."

"Nasty," Squall said disgusted.

"Nasty," said Seifer, throwing up a bit.

"Nice," Zell said. His team mates shot him strange looks, "I mean NASTY..."

Squall pulled his team mate and his Captain to one side, "Seifer, I know you're the leader, but monsters? They can get pretty strong in a breeding ground."

"Squall, Squall, Squall, you're so naïve. Monsters? Here? I don't think so," Seifer scoffed.

Suddenly, a loud cracking noise erupted behind them. They saw the injured Dollet soldier being dragged back into the bushes by a fearsome monster; an Anacondour. This monster looked like a snake, a giant snake, and was much more venomous and dangerous than you're average snake. Some say just a drop of it's venom can kill you in seconds. Some also say that it's venom is an aphrodisiac. Both statements may be true, but you're not going to find anyone to test those hypotheses any time soon.

The great snake spotted the Squad; the wary brown haired teenager, quietly assessing the situation. The cocky blond haired teenager, who had drawn his weapon and was already charging. And the badly dressed blond haired tattooed teenager, who looked like he was crapping his pants from fear, but hey, what does a snake know? Seifer's blade sunk into the Anacondour with a satisfying squelch. The look on Seifer's face was one of pure pleasure, quite an odd look. Squall circled behind the creature and hit it with a fire spell, while Zell took a big gulp and jumped forward, pounding his fists into the snake. With one violent shake, the three candidates were thrown from the snake. The Anacondour swung it's tail, knocking over Zell and then Squall. It's head came down and narrowly missed Seifer who jumped just in time. The snake was too fast for the team, as it was already attacking again. It wrapped its tail around Squall and flung him into the air. He hit the brick path with a horrific crunch. Luckily, Squall's junctioned GF had given him the strength needed to survive the hit. He got up to his feet, only to be knocked back by the snake's tail. Squall was thrown to the cliff edge, only just managing to grab onto a rock. He was now currently hanging above a twelve foot drop, one that his GF couldn't help him survive.

Meanwhile, Seifer and Zell were still trying to land a blow on the beast. Zell hung at the back, firing spells at the snake, which hit with minimal effect. Seifer on the other hand was jumping around, slashing at the snake when he could. He spotted Squall out of the corner of his eye, his nemesis was hanging on. Just.

"Great," Seifer thought, "if Annie Angst dies, then it'll be my head on the block."  
With little thought, Seifer jumped over the body of the snake, eventually stabbing its tail to the ground with his gunblade. Momentarily, the snake was stuck. Seifer used this small window to run to Squall.

"Need a hand?" Seifer smirked.

"Help. Please!" Squall groaned, his fingers slowly slipping.

"Say 'Seifer is the greatest.'"

"Seifer is the greatest.

"Say 'Seifer is so hot.'"

"Seifer is so hot. Can you help me now?"  
"Hey Zell," Seifer shouted to the cornered warrior, "Squall just said I'm hot! What a gay!"

"Seifer!" Squall shouted  
"What, Seifer is what? 'Seifer is a model student who isn't a bad influence and didn't set fire to that teacher's car, even though the teacher was asking for it and totally came onto me.'"

"No... Seifer help me. Please?" Squall said, barely hanging on.

"Fine," Seifer grabbed Squall and dragged him from the cliff face. And not a moment too soon; the Anacondour was trying to flail its tail, and the gunblade was now coming loose.

The gunblade was shook from its position, and was thrown in the air, landing next to Seifer.

"Let's beat this SOB..." Seifer grabbed his weapon and charged at the snake, Squall right next to him. The snake was confused, it turned its head to the charging forces, forgetting about Zell, who jumped up and slammed a fist into its head. The snake hissed with pain and flung its head around in agony. The two blade wielders slashed and stabbed at the dazed snake, who started to flail in a final attempt to win. It spun its head and sunk a fang into the nearest flesh; Squall's flesh.

"Oh no," Squall said before stumbling around. The venom was quick acting, but luckily not quick killing. Squall was getting dizzy. He tried to find an antidote somewhere on his person, but the disorientation wasn't helping. If anything, it was hindering. Squall was starting to feel sick. He started out feeling dizzy, like he'd just been on a bouncy castle and was on a sugar high. But now he was the bad kind of dizzy, like he'd been on a boozy pub crawl and was on a different kind of sugar high. Finally he found an antidote and drank the contents of the bottle. It was blackcurrant flavoured; Squall hated blackcurrant flavour, he had asked for strawberry flavoured. The shop where he bought it from was soon going to face Squall's wrath. The antidote worked quickly; Squall's balance came back, and is stomach settled. More importantly, he didn't feel like he was going to die. His vision focused just as Seifer plunged his sword into the skull of the near dead Anacondour. Now it was not near dead, but actually dead. Dead as a doorknob... Not that doorknobs were ever alive... What a strange saying that is... Come to think of it, what's with the saying 'easy as pie'. Is pie particularly easy? Easy at what? Who the hell comes up with these sayings? Why can it not be 'easy as a war with the French'?

"Done," Seifer said, wiping his hands clean of snake blood, "easy as pie."

"Easy as what?" Zell exclaimed, "anyway, didn't you say there weren't any monsters?"

"Yeah, laugh it up, I might just report your lack of team work, I didn't see you rush to save Squall. That could get you a big fat fail. Then what? Your career would be as dead as a doorknob. Let's carry on."

Seifer had ran ahead of the team again, leaving Squall and Zell to try and keep up. They eventually reached Seifer, who was lay flat on his stomach, watching a couple of Galbadian soldiers outside of the Communication Tower. Seifer was watching intently.

"What are they on about?" Seifer asked himself.

"What they talking about?" Squall asked, squatting beside him, "repairs?"

"No," said Seifer, "they're talking about LOST..."

"I love that show!" Zell said, joining the other two.

"I was joking you moron. Of course they're not talking about LOST..."  
"Of course," Zell nodded, "they look like they prefer Heroes..."

Seifer turned to Zell, "you are THE stupidest person I know. Squall was right, they're talking about repairs to the tower..."

Squall took a gulp. There was an imminent battle.

"Scared about the imminent battle?" Seifer asked.

"Er..." Squall started.

"I love battles. As long as you make it out of the battle alive, you're one step closer to your dream."

Zell choked. On what, who knows.

"You have dreams?" asked Squall. He'd never thought of Seifer like this before, he always saw him as an emotionless robot.

"Dreams?" Zell said, squeezing between the two, "I have a dream. I want to own my own candy store, where all the children go after school. That's my dream."

"You're dream is to give candy to children?" Seifer asked, "someone alert the authorities, Mincing Millie here's got the perfect perverted plan."

"No! Wait!" Zell called after Seifer, who had already set off towards the Communication Tower.

"I didn't mean it like that Squall, I promise..."

"There you are!" called a squeaky voice from behind Squall and Zell.

They turned around to face a hill, at the top of which was a familiar face.

At the top of the hill was the spunky girl Squall had met earlier that day. He couldn't recall her ever revealing her name. In fact, he couldn't care less what her name was. If Squall remembered correctly, she was a transfer student. Trabia maybe. Did she even say where she was from? Oh well, may as well fill any blanks in her back story. There she was, short brown hair and equally short skirt. Whoever designed the SeeD uniforms must have been a man; no one else would design such a revealing outfit. Squall hoped to God there was a trouser option; the thought of someone like Carole wearing a short skirt made Squall sick to his stomach. In fact, it made him sick everywhere in his body. It took all of his effort not to vomit. And now he had the image of Carole in his head with all those rolls of fat...

"Squall, you all right?" Zell asked shaking Squall's arm.

"It's like a stack of tyres..." Squall said, grimacing.

At that moment, the girl at the top of the hill tried to make her decent. Squall could have guessed what would happen, after all, this girl didn't seem like the brightest of people. Just that morning she had ran into Squall (an event that was in no way Squall's fault) and Squall predicted exactly what would happen. He guessed as soon as she made her way down the hill, she would lose her footing, leading her to collapse down the hill. And that she did; her foot slipped, and in a comical fashion, she landed on her rear end, her legs higher than her head (the two boys caught a glimpse of what was under the skirt, Zell seemed uninterested; was he being noble? No, probably not. Naïve? No, probably not), she then toppled down the hill, head over heels, and landed on her knees at the bottom of the hill. It was a painful, rock filled fall, and most people would be left injured and bloody. This girl, on the other hand, got up unscathed and just brushed herself off, not a scratch on her.

"Clumsy me!" she chirped, "are you Squad B... Wait a minute... It's you!"

She started to squeal and jump excitedly.

"Hello..."

"Like hi! Thanks for helping me before! I don't get lost any more. That Dr. Kadowaki was a nice lady! Said I looked nice in my uniform!"

Her naivety made Squall laugh. Not out loud of course; he didn't want to hurt her feelings.

"I'm a messenger! Selphie's the name. Selphie Tilmitt from Squad A. Where's your captain?"

Then, appearing with impeccable timing, Seifer appeared in front of the Communication Tower.

"One of these days, I'll tell you about my ROMANTIC dream!" he said waving at Squall.

"Ew," Zell said, "Seifer's sex dreams? No thank you."

Squall couldn't help but think that Zell didn't mean that.

"Captain! Wait up!" Selphie stood still for a moment, evaluating the situation. In front of her was a five or six foot drop which led directly to the Communication Tower, this was obviously the quicker yet more dangerous route. Then to her left was a safer yet slower road to the Communication Tower, the one Seifer had just used. Now, any normal person would take the road, but young Selphie was far from normal. Yes, she jumped the drop and landed safely, most likely due to her junctioned GF aiding her.

Squall stepped to the edge.

"Dude," Zell whimpered, grabbing Squall's shoulder, "you're not gonna jump that, are you?"

"That's the plan..." Squall said as he leaped from the cliff.

"Are you serious? Damn, here goes! Geronimo!" Zell cried as he leaped after Squall.

Both of them landed safely at the bottom, unscathed like Selphie.

"Geronimo? Who says that any more? I was unaware you'd just arrived from the fifties," Squall said as Zell landed.

"Let's get going! Have you equipped GFs?" Selphie said innocently.

A part of Squall snapped, "equipped GFs? Oh no, thanks for reminding me. There's me blissfully unaware that I need to equip GFs! I mean, it's not as if I've been trained to do exactly that for the past umpteen years!"

"Umpteen? Who says that any..."

"Oh sorry Zell, I was unaware my vocabulary had restrictions on it. I was unaware that I'm not allowed to say whatever the hell I want!"

"Dude," Zell said, "you just criticised me for saying 'geronimo'"

"Sorry, I kind of lost it..." Squall said, breathing deeply.

"Okie!" Selphie chirped, "but seriously, did you equip your GF? I wasn't sure what your answer was..."

A part of Squall snapped. Again.

The group entered the deserted Communication Tower. It sounded like there was fighting upstairs, most likely Seifer versus everyone else.

"Wow, sure is big," Selphie said in awe, standing with mouth wide open, "looks like someone was over compensating..."

The tower was bare. The only thing in the room with the group, apart from defunct electronics, was an elevator shaft. With no safety rails; no wonder the place was shut down; the health and safety inspector probably had a heart attack after seeing the shambles.

"Squad B Captain?" Selphie shouted into the darkness above.

"He's called Seifer," said Zell.

"Yeah, but if I call him by his name it's gonna freak him out. He'll be like 'how do you know my name?'" she said in a deep voice, a poor imitation of Seifer, "I don't know what his voice sounds like."

"Nails on a chalkboard," thought Squall.

"Let's go after him!" said Selphie, jumping onto the elevator.

Zell jumped on after her, with Squall getting on last.

"Going up!" Selphie said, slamming the 'up' button.

The elevator shot up, leaping multiple floors in only seconds. They fast approached the light at the top; their destination.

The elevator stopped with a jerk, causing the group to lose their balance.

"That. Was. AWESOME!" Selphie cheered, jumping off the elevator, "let's go again! Oh wait, no time! Captain!"

They looked around, but Seifer was nowhere to be seen...

***

Seifer was somewhere below Squall, Zell and Selphie. Instead of going straight to the top, Seifer and his arrogance had decided to make a few stops along the way. After three floors, Seifer was starting to feel hungry. Luckily, the tower had a McDonald's!

"Hello and welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" said a voice from the speaker.

Seifer leaned over to the receiver, "yeah, can I have a Big Mac, medium size, with fries and a coke. Can I get a ketchup with that as well..."

"Big Mac, what size will that be?"

"Medium. I just said that," sighed Seifer.

"Do you want fries with that?"

"Seifer brought his had to his head, and rubbed his temples, "yeah, I said fries. I said it already..."

"What drink do you want?"

"A coke," shouted Seifer, "a coke, I said I wanted a coke. Can I get a ketchup with that?"

"You already said that, sir."

"I already... Already... Yeah. Thanks." Seifer said, clenching his fists.

"You can collect it from window B. Have a nice day."

"Thanks. What window do I collect it from?" Seifer asked.

"Window B. I already said that sir..."

Seifer stomped over to window B, now not in the mood for a Big Mac. He'd much prefer KFC.

"Thanks," Seifer grunted as he snatched his order, "oh look, no ketchup... Thought I said ketchup..."

***

In front of the group was another tower. At the bottom of this tower was a Galbadian soldier, dressed in red, meaning he was of a superior rank, possibly Major.

"Major Biggs!" (yeah, Major) "there's been reports of a monster shaped shadow on top of the tower. There's a possibility it may be a monster."

"What are the odds?" grunted Biggs, who was busy repairing the tower.

"Well, Granger says about forty-five percent, it may be a balloon or possibly a build up of leaves."

"Leaves..." Biggs pondered, "isn't it Spring time?"

"About ninety percent chance that it is, sir!" whimpered the soldier.

"Then how could it be leaves! No wonder you're only a lowly soldier. You'll never reach Major with such narrow minded approach to problem solving!"

"Yes, sir! I'll check around while you prepare the tower..." the young soldier saluted and started off.

"Wedge!" shouted Biggs to the young soldier.

"Yes sir?" said the soldier, expecting a compliment or social interaction of equal splendour.

"Nothing. I was just establishing your name. Now bugger off!" Biggs shouted, throwing a wrench at the cowering Galbadian.

Squall and the group stayed quiet, watching the Major fix the tower. It appeared he was now done.

Below them, in the depths of the tower, ancient machinery started to wake up. The cogs and other mechanical bits that I can not be bothered naming started to move and do whatever it is they do. Suddenly, a large piece of machinery shoots up from the depths, up into the tower. Like a blossoming flower, the object opened up to reveal itself to be a satellite dish. A large satellite dish. Most likely broadcasting hundreds of channels, all of which had nothing good on them.

"What the hell's going on here?" shouted Squall, startling the once smug Major Biggs.

"What the hell? Whoa! Kids! I could ask you the same thing. Wait a minute..." he looked the three up and down, "uniform? Are you SeeD? Is the female one a striptease? It is my birthday after all."  
"Aw," Selphie cooed, "and here's me without a gift..."

"Wedge... WEDGE!" Biggs shouted, sweating furiously. Well, most likely he was sweating. It was a hot day after all, and he was wearing a lot of armour.

Biggs' calls went unanswered, "well, I'll just be off..."

"Wait right there..." Squall said.

"Sorry. Me no speaky English!" Biggs cried as he tried to make his escape. He made a run for the elevator.

"Sorry to crash the party!" Seifer said as the elevator rose up, revealing Seifer standing dramatically.

"Sorry to crash the party? Lame ass introduction," Zell scoffed.

Seifer sipped the last bits of coke from his cup, "going somewhere?"

"Yeah," said Biggs, "I was hoping to go home. It's my birthday and I promised the missus that we'd go out for a fancy meal..."  
"Stop with your lies!" Seifer demanded.

"You're right, I'm not married, for who could ever love a beast?" cried Biggs.

"Seifer could," Zell laughed, "he loves himself!"

Everyone looked at him, shaking their heads.

"Did he really deserve that?" said Squall.

"No I couldn't..." Selphie said, her head cocked.

"Couldn't what?" asked Zell.

"Have relations with you. So heartless. And that tattoo is real off putting. You'd have to wear a bag..."

"He needs to wear a bag full stop." laughed Seifer.

Everyone joined in with raucous laughter, even Biggs.

"Hilarious!" laughed Biggs, "but I'm gonna have to kill you."

And with a swift move, Biggs jumped forward, arm outstretched, bashing Seifer in the head, knocking him unconscious. The uniform of a higher ranked Galbadian contained a steel plate on the arm, obviously capable of incapacitating anyone.

"Sir?" Wedge asked meekly as he appeared to find his superior fighting three SeeD candidates on his own.

Biggs was jumping around the tower, firing his gun at whoever he could, "Wedge! Nice of you to join us..."

The sarcasm clearly hurt the young soldier, who joined the battle with little enthusiasm.

The two teams danced around each other. Squall made quick swipes with his gunblade at whoever he could (even catching Zell once, with no remorse). Zell chased after Wedge, the weakest one of course, trying to land blows on him, sometimes managing to dent the armour. Selphie's weapon of choice was nunchaku, a dangerous weapon capable of long distances. She swung it round with no thought of her team mates who had to duck and dive under the swinging chain.

"We're doomed!" cried Wedge.

"Wah wah wah," mocked Biggs, "this is an easy battle! We're going to win this one!"

No sooner had Biggs uttered these words, that a large gust of wind swept up Biggs and Wedge.

"What the..!" cried Wedge as his feet left the ground.

"Ahh!" screamed Biggs, "I would of gotten away with it if it weren't for these meddling kids! And Wedge, that bastard!"

The two Galbadians were thrown away like discarded candy wrappers, and down from the top of the tower, most likely disturbed by the fighting and ruddy big satellite dish, came a monster. Huge in size, it floated above the ground, looking menacingly at the team.

"Aww, it's so cute!" Selphie said, staring at the ghastly creature.

"What the hell is it? Does anyone even know?" Zell said, bemused.

"Yeah, it's an Elvoret," said Seifer, finally waking up, "did you not listen in class, ass?"

"No, too busy thinking of you!" Zell shouted back, "wait! I meant thinking of beating you up! Damn, I gotta watch what I say..."

The grumpy Elvoret gave out a deafening roar. It swung a claw at the group, which they all avoided. Just.

"Right," Seifer barked, "new objective. Kick it's ass."

Seifer drew his blade, somewhat dramatically, and charged at the monster.

"Selphie!" Squall shouted, "concentrate on drawing magic. Heal us and use it's own magic against it!"

"Thanks, Squall," Selphie shouted back, "it's not like I've been trained to do stuff like that!"

As the men fought, Selphie took a back seat, and concentrated on the Elvoret, looking for magic deep within. What she found was not just simple fires and cures, but something much more powerful. It was a GF. She reached in deep and drew the soul of the GF from the monster. Siren; an apt fit for Selphie, both loud females who draw the attention of males, with rather fatal consequences.

The three men had a system going; they formed a triangle around the monster. One person would hit the monster, attracting its attention. Whoever was facing the back end of the monster now had to attack. Such a simple system, rather amazing that three hormone driven men came up with it. But the Elvoret was smart (well, smarter than its foes) and figured out the cunning little plan. It flew up high, and swooped down, swinging its claws at whoever it could get. It managed to knock down Squall and Seifer. Zell took a large jump back, then lunged forward, pounding Elvoret with all he could. The Elvoret was less than impressed; it swung its giant claw and picked up Zell, shaking him violently. Each individual finger pierced Zell, who cried out in pain. He reached deep within himself, calling for help. Help from Ifrit. From a fiery pit, Ifrit rose. He stretched all of his limbs, assessing the situation, noticing his master was in pain.

"Zell!" Squall called, "using GFs can lower your SeeD score!"

"Sorry, but I'm kind of dying!" Zell cried.

"You need my help?" Ifrit said, leaning towards Zell.

"Can you take care of this please?" Zell winced.

"Ok, excuse me?" said Ifrit, tapping Elvoret on the shoulder, "can I have that for a sec. Thanks," Ifrit took the cowering Zell out of the monster's hands, placing him on the floor.

"Now it's on like Donkey Kong!" Ifrit roared, creating a massive molten ball from thin air. He jumped into the air, throwing the fiery ball onto Elvoret, burning its skin.

The monster cried out with pain, blinded by the attack.  
"Finish him off!" Zell said with menace in his eyes.

"Sorry, kid, I only do it once. If you want me to do it again, you'll have to wait," Ifrit started to disappear back into Zell, "oh, and if you see Shiva, tell that bitch I want my mug back!"

The Elvoret was currently flailing around in agony, but coincidently kept missing the Tower on which the satellite dish was sat.

"He's nearly finished..." Seifer said, "let's finish it off..."

Seifer jumped forward, Squall not far behind. They both swung and stabbed at the dying monster, while Zell cast spells at it and Selphie healed the party. The monster was confused, it couldn't deal with all the abuse.

"Ok! Ok! Can we just stop a second!" cried the monster.

"Whoa. You speak?" Zell said, dumbstruck.

"Yes I speak. I was just sitting at home, watching ER, when someone comes and sends a satellite dish right through my house! And then, some punk kids start attacking me, even though I only came down to see what all the noise was about! I don't deserve this treatment!"

Everyone was silent. Humbled by the words of a monster. No, Elvoret wasn't the monster, Squad B was the monster.

"We're sorry. We didn't destroy you're home. That was Galbadia," Selphie said, approaching the monster and stroking its wounds.

"Really?" sniffed the monster, "but why did you attack me?"

Zell also approached the monster, "dude, we thought you were going to kill us. Isn't that what monsters do?"

"No," sobbed Elvoret, "most monsters just approach humans to talk to them."  
"Wait," Seifer interrupted, "what about that Anacondour that attacked us?"

***

Ah yes, the Anacondour. For what reason did it eat a poor Dollet soldier? And why did it attack Squad B?

"Where's daddy?" asked a young snake to its snake mother.

"I don't know, Johnny, he went out to buy food ages ago..."

"What happened to the soldier who asked daddy to kill him, for he was in so much pain?" asked Johnny.

"Daddy did him a favour. Daddy killed the soldier because he was dying slowly. Stay here Johnny, I'll go look for daddy."

The mother snake slithered outside, hoping to find her husband. Surely he wouldn't run away on his son's birthday.

"Max?" called the mother snake, "Max? Are you out here?"

She slithered on further, and there in front of her was the bloody body of her husband. His body was littered with puncture holes, and his head had suffered a massive trauma. The young widowed snake stopped dead, tears filling in her eyes. She hugged the lifeless body of her husband and wept into his skin. And there she sat, with her deceased spouse, next to his dead body was a cake, which read 'Happy Birthday Johnny'.

***

"What a load of b.s!" shouted Seifer, preparing his sword.

"It's all right..." said Selphie, patting the creature, "I'm sure Seifer will offer you compensation..."

They all looked to Seifer, who begrudgingly pulled out his cheque book, and wrote out a cheque to Elvoret.

He handed it to the monster, "thanks! Now I can redecorate. I'm off to get wallpaper samples!"

And with that, Elvoret flew off into the setting sun, to buy wallpaper of questionable taste.

"Not nearly thrilling enough..." Seifer moaned, kicking at the tower.

"Oh!" Selphie said, "I have a message for Squad B Captain!"  
"That's me," moaned Seifer, still bitter.

"We have withdrawal orders. All SeeD must withdraw by 1900 hours!"

"1900 hours..." Seifer said, checking his watch, "we have thirty minutes..."

"How long?" spluttered Zell, "thirty minutes! Let's not just stand here! Let's move!"

"Excuse me," Seifer said, grabbing Zell by the collar, "I'm the Captain. I give the orders... Let's not just stand here! Let's move!" Seifer threw Zell to the ground and took on of the elevators, all to himself as well.

"Better run!" Seifer laughed as his elevator started to descend.

"Great..." Squall groaned, "let's go..."

The three remaining SeeD quickly found a second elevator, and took it down to the bottom, leaving a wounded Biggs and Wedge. Their bodies lay motionless, as if they were dead.

"Oooo," groaned an injured Biggs. He crawled across the tower, heading towards a hand held control panel.

"Get those little twerps. DESTROY them," he said as he aggressively pushed a button.

"Wrong button..." he pounded a second button.

"Not that button either. Wedge, which is the button to start the machine?"

"The red one, sir," groaned a motionless Wedge.

"Which one? There's like three red buttons..."  
"It says 'start' on it, sir,"

"Oh yes. Now GO!" Biggs cried as he pushed the red button. Which said 'start' on it.

The noise of a machine could be heard as it sprung to life. Whatever it was, it wasn't going to help the team make an easy escape...

"To the beach!" Selphie cried as the team exited the tower.

They started for the beach, but something caught their attention. High above them they could hear something rather large moving, moving closer. Above them they could see the silhouette of a spider like creature, most likely made from machinery.

"What the..." Zell said, staring with mouth open.

Suddenly, it pounced. It fell from the top of the tower, and landed on all legs as it hit the floor with a loud crush. This thing was a piece of Galbadian warfare mastery. It was the X-ATM092.

"Oh crap," Zell winced.

The monster lurched forward, almost hitting Zell.

"Let's deal with it quickly!" Squall shouted as he ran for the robot. He swung his gunblade, but barely left a scratch. Selphie swung her nunchaku, but it just bounced off. Zell jumped in, and pounded it with his fists, which did more damage to him than it did to the machine.

"Looks like we need another tactic..." Squall said, racking his brain for an idea.

"I got it!" Zell called, "what gets wetter the more it dries?"

The robot stopped in its tracks.

"Hmm," it pondered, "quite the riddle..."

It stood motionless, staring into the beyond looking for an answer.

"Let's go!" Squall whispered, beckoning Selphie and Zell.

They ran up the mountain path, up to where they met Selphie.

"Oh, I know!" Selphie shouted, "it's a towel!"

Her voice rang out, reaching the robot.

"A towel? Of course!" the Robot cried. It quickly noticed its absent pray and headed towards them again.

The group ran as fast as they could, away from the Robot. They headed back down the mountain road where they fought the Anacondour (the body wasn't there, only flowers), with the X-ATM092 hot on their heels.

They reached the bridge which connected the mountain to the town, only to be ambushed by the robot.

"Erm, erm," Zell stuttered, sweat dripping from him, "if you enjoy wasting time, is that really time wasted?"

"Whoa. Weird," the Robot stopped again, pondering this new thought.

The team ran off again, into the central square where they had once been. Then they headed down the streets; the beach wasn't far off now. Unfortunately, the X-ATM092 had snapped out of its philosophical thought and was closing in on the group.

"You got another one, Zell?" Selphie asked as she jumped down the street.

"No, I'm fresh out!" Zell panted.

"Just keep running!" Squall shouted from behind his companions.

There it was; the beach. They had finally reached their goal and with ten minutes to spare.

"Run you sons of bitches! You're the last ones!" Quistis screamed to the group. She ran into the vessel.

The robot was closing in on Squall. It was no more than three feet behind him. He thought it was all over. He made a desperate leap...

Just when he thought it was all over, the sound of gunfire rang from close by. He looked up to see Quistis manning the gun on top of the vessel. She was pelting X-ATM092 with bullets, the force of which caused it to be pushed back. Squall jumped back up and dived into the vessel which started to close its doors. The last thing he saw was the exploding figure of X-ATM092.

From above he heard Quistis scream, "No one pisses about with my kids! No one!"

-----

Yep, told you it was going to be a long one!

Hope you enjoyed it, this took FOREVER to write, but it was worth it.

I Next chapter should be up same time as it always is, but I'm falling behind on work, so there may be a hiatus. But believe me when I say that this will be seen through til the end!

See you next time, folks!


	9. Chapter 9 Foot In Mouth Disorder

Chapter 8 – Foot-In-Mouth Disorder

The vessel docked back at Balamb with hardly a scratch on it. Everyone in the vessel had just about stop crapping themselves when they reached Balamb. Zell was massively shook up, the adrenaline from the chase still flowing through him. Seifer was the complete opposite. He was massively proud in himself and he obviously thought he had passed. Selphie (who really should have been on another vessel, she was taking up way too much room) was calm and relaxed, she was singing to herself. It was like she hadn't just been chased by a massive robotic spider. Quistis just looked happy that all of her students were alive, nothing says 'bad instructor' like a missing student. Then there was Squall; he hadn't talked since leaving Dollet. He breathed deeply, taking in everything that had just happened. How many SeeD could say they had been chased by a giant robotic spider, after having had a fight with a flying monster, which was also after disobeying official orders. The answer: not many.

The vessel doors opened, Seifer striding out first, to be greeted and applauded by the class dunce and Captain One-word.

"SEIFER!" shouted Raijin as his master left the vessel, "How'd it go?"

"Man," Seifer sighed, flicking back his hair, "all they did was get in my way. Being leader ain't an easy job."

"SAFE?" Fujin hissed.

"Yeah... Was that a question...?" Seifer said as they headed back to the armoured car.

"Good job!" Quistis said as she exited the vessel, Squall, Zell and Selphie right behind her, "wait, where's Seifer?"

She looked around and noticed the Garden vehicle driving out of the car park.

"That son of a... Well, even though you've just fought an army of Galbadians, probably worn out from all the battling, you have to walk home! See you back at Garden!"

"Wait, Instructor," Squall called, "how are you getting back?"

"Well, Squall," said Quistis, rearranging her uniform, "I have my ways of getting home..."

And with that Quistis turned to the SeeD waiting for returning vessels, giving one young gentleman plenty of attention.

"Damn, Seifer," Zell said, kicking the ground, "there goes Mr. Ego."

"Mr. Ego," Squall said, "that's a pathetic nickname. You're such a loser, Zell..."

The party headed for Balamb Garden. It would have been a much quicker journey if it weren't for Zell. He came from Balamb, so he knew everyone in it. Every five seconds, someone would stop Zell to ask about his life, to which Squall always responded "what life", to which everyone laughed. And then Zell would cry. And everyone would laugh some more. It was a vicious cycle. They even paid a visit to Mrs. Dincht's house, so Zell could see his mother. Zell seemed very private about his house. He probably felt obliged to visit his mother, and even more obliged to invite his friends into his house. When Selphie tried to go upstairs, she was quickly stopped by Zell.

"Why? What's up there? Are there lots of 'happy socks'?" Selphie asked innocently.

"What? No!" Zell exclaimed.

It was a small house. Probably because only one person lived there; there was no Mr. Dincht, just a lonely Mrs. Dincht. All she had was Zell. Squall felt sorry for her, but this didn't stop him taking Mrs. Dincht's special 'Zell' playing card from her.

"Another card to add to my collection! Oh, don't cry Mrs. Dincht, I just have a competitive problem. But I don't care! I've got a new card so eff you!" Squall said excitedly as he stroked his new card.

"Thanks for being so nice to my mother, you bastard," Zell said as they approached Garden.

"Sorry, Zell, I got carried away..." Squall said.

Ten minutes later they reached Garden.

Zell stretched as they reached the gate, "finally made it back! My leg's are killing me..."

"Tell me about it..." Selphie said as she rubbed her legs from the pain.

"Ok, well, all that walking builds up lactic acid..."  
"It was a figure of speech, dumbo!" Selphie said, hitting Zell, "I guess we just wait for the results now. See you guys later when we become SeeDs!"

Selphie skipped away, with Zell not far behind. Squall felt sick; what if he didn't pass? Would he become bitter like Seifer?

"No," he thought, "Seifer's always been bitter. He just becomes more bitter the more times he takes the SeeD test..."

Squall headed into Garden, still feeling sick.

Squall headed to his dorm, he felt like some brooding, maybe a bit of moping. He had to pass the Directory, which meant he had to pass Quistis. He had seen enough of her today, with her well proportioned body and sexy can do attitude. Bitch.

"The mission was a success, Headmaster!" chirped Xu, who was stood with Quistis and Headmaster Cid, "no maimings!"

"Good," nodded Cid, "was anyone left behind?"

"Nope!"  
"Not even Seifer?"  
Xu shook her head.

"It'll happen eventually. Please let it happen eventually..."

Quistis cleared her throat, "what happened to Dollet? Are Galbadia still there?"

"No," sighed Cid, "Galbadia withdrew from Dollet before any accidents happened, which may have led to Dollet aborting their mission..."

Squall sneaked past the group and headed towards his dorm. At least he was free and didn't have to have any awkward conversation...

"Squall, did you hear?" growled an all too familiar voice, "if we hadn't have had to withdraw, we, sorry I, would have been a hero! Seifer never withdraws, no matter what the consequences!"

"You were only looking for a fight," came the voice of Quistis as she strode towards Seifer confidently, Xu in tow, "you always pick fights with the weak, like Zell and Squall."  
"Excuse me?" Squall blurted.

"My dear instructor, those are such hurtful words. My poor heart..." Seifer mocked, grabbing his chest.

"If you even had a heart..." Quistis quipped back.

"Such cruel words for an aspiring student. I guess you can't help it, being such a mediocre instructor, you don't get things like this."  
Quistis took a step back, stunned.

Squall needed some popcorn. Sweet, none of that salted crap.

"Get a grip on reality, Seifer," Xu said, stepping in to defend Quistis, "it's all your responsibility for leaving your designated area!"  
"Isn't it the Captain's duty to make the best decisions?" Seifer barked back.

"Seifer, you'll never be a SeeD. Calling yourself a Captain is a joke."

Seifer's lips curled, anger clearly etched on his face. He took a step forward, grabbing his gunblade.

"Xu, please give us a minute," came the calm, soothing voice of Headmaster Cid. He walked over to Quistis, whispering in her ear. She regained her composure and followed Xu back to the Directory.

"Seifer, your actions today will be disciplined. Your lack of respect for official orders from your superiors is appalling. I don't want you all to be machines, I do want you to think for yourselves, just don't put the safety of other students in jeopardy."

A Garden Faculty member, donned in their red robes, approached Cid.

"Headmaster, you have business in your office."  
Cid furrowed his brow, "so much to do. Listen to what I've told you, Seifer. Maybe you will listen. Maybe you will learn."  
"I wouldn't hold your breath, Sir," Seifer said.

With that, Cid headed for his third floor office and Seifer headed for his dorm, muttering under his breath.

As Squall started for his own dorm, a voice came over the loudspeaker, "all students who participated in today's field exam, report to the second floor hallway. I repeat..."

Squall turned back, heading for the elevator, something which Seifer did not do.

Squall exited the elevator and headed for the hallway. He could hear worried mumbles and excited chatter. Zell was there, pacing up and down, sweating an abnormal amount.

"You all right, Zell?" Squall said, staring at his fellow student.

"Yeah," he squeaked, "like a chocobo in May..."

"Wait, what?"

"I don't know! I can't string together a coherent sentence. Apart from that one. And this one. And that one. And..."

Squall rolled his eyes, leaving Zell to his stupid ramblings.

A couple of minutes later, Seifer strode in, his obedient lapdogs following him. He didn't even acknowledge Squall. Raijin did though, he waved at Squall, which Squall ignored. Fujin then proceeded to kicking Raijin in the shins.

A couple more minutes passed before a Faculty member entered the corridor.

"Dincht. Zell Dincht."

Zell gulped, "yeah?"

"You passed. I thought that was fairly obvious..."  
"Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhh! See you all later! I'm moving on up!"  
"Hurry up. I can always take away your SeeD status..." the Faculty member growled.

Zell shrank into himself and slumped towards the elevator.

"Squall. From Squad B."  
Squall sighed with relief. He wanted to throw up, but it was all made better when he saw Seifer's disgusted face. Squall walked past him, slyly giving him the middle finger.

"That is all. Dismissed," said the Faculty member as he walked away.

Seifer took a deep breath. And screamed. Odds were he wasn't entirely happy.

"Squall and Zell exited the elevator, onto the third floor. The doors to the Headmaster's office were before them.

"Is it just us two?" Zell asked the Faculty member.

"No. There are two others."

Zell looked confused.

"But they weren't on the second floor. You only called two names..."

The Faculty member turned to Zell, "it is better not to ask questions..."  
"But..."  
"No questions!"

They entered the Headmaster's office, where two others were already waiting; one was a rather average, plain looking male, whose name Squall did not know, nor care to know. The other was non other than chirpy little Selphie, who was giddy to the point she could wet herself. Squall and Zell approached her, and as she started to talk, the Faculty member cleared his throat.

"Bullet dodged," Squall thought.

"Line up for the Headmaster," growled the Faculty member.

They all lined up obediently, waiting for the Headmaster. Not long after, he walked in.

"These are the four candidates who passed," said the Faculty member to Cid.

He surveyed the new recruits, "what a crap bunch," he muttered to himself, "hello! Congratulations on passing the exam. This looks to be the finest bunch we've ever had!"

He stood in front of the new SeeD members.

"Being a SeeD is a big responsibility; you will be dispatched all over the world, usually to clean up other people's mess. It's not the nicest job, but what do you care, you get paid a ridiculous amount..."

"You have another meeting. Time to wrap this up..." said the Faculty member from the corner.

"And what do I get? A crappy pension! I can't retire on it! I'll be living in the slums of FH!"  
"Headmaster..." growled the Faculty member.

"Yes, yes. Don't get your over-paid knickers in a twist!"

Cid snatched the SeeD rank reports out of the Faculty member's hands, and walked to Selphie, who was on the end of the line.

He handed her her report, and whispered, "I'm looking forward to the Garden Festival. I'll be first in line to get a ticket!"

"We've got the Jonas Brothers to play!" she smiled back.

"Balls to that plan..." he shivered as he moved on.

He handed the plain looking boy his report, "well done, Eric!"

"That's not my name, sir," he said nervously.

"Ok... Well done... Boy!" he hastily moved on to Zell.

"Well done," he leaned closer, "just try to control your emotions..."  
"Shut up! I can control my emotions, you old hag!" Zell screamed, throwing his report in the air.

The Headmaster simply looked at him, with an "I told you so" look on his face.

"Oh right... You might be on to something there..." Zell murmured, blushing.

Cid stood in front of Squall, the last in the line, "finally, a gunblade specialist..."

"Thank you, sir," said Squall, taking his report.

"Right. Done. Go away. Scram!" shouted the Faculty members, "don't make me get the hose!"

Squall and the rest left quickly. Squall didn't want the hose turning on him. Especially if it was euphemistic.

The four new SeeD members took the elevator back down to the second floor hallway. They stepped out and entered the hallway, where everyone was still waiting, including Seifer. The silence was uncomfortable. Unbearable. And then Seifer raised his hands and started to clap.

"How odd," thought Squall. He was half expecting those hands to close around his throat.

Everyone else joined in the clapping as well. The SeeD thought the silence was uncomfortable, but it was nothing compared to the shallow claps of your ex-peers who failed their SeeD exam. Now that was awkward. All they could do was stand and scratch their heads. Although, it looked like Zell was enjoying the attention. The bastard.

Squall spent the rest of the day doing what he did best (apart from brooding) and that was training. He knew that if he spent his day elsewhere in Garden, he'd get unwanted attention from well-wishers. Attention he'd rather not have. He finished for the day, and returned to his room. Guess who was waiting there...

"Where have you been?" asked Selphie, donned in her SeeD uniform.

"Training..." Squall said, trying to get past her.

"You need to change! The ball's soon!"

"Selphie, the ball is three hours away. Now excuse me, I need to shower..."  
He tried, and failed, to push past her.

"I don't know..." she said, pondering something, "you have an interesting musk. I don't think you need a shower."

She leaned close to Squall, and took a big sniff of his jacket. She regretted it immediately.

"No! Go shower! Now, you smelly moron!" she said, coughing at the odour.

Squall entered his room, a little crushed. He was hoping he had a nice musk...

The SeeD inauguration ball was that same night. Wow, first Squall had to fight Ifrit, then he had to travel to Dollet and take part in a SeeD mission, and then he was admitted as a SeeD and now there was a ball. That's a lot to do in one day. Squall hoped he didn't have to do anything else, like go to the training centre with his instructor. The odds were slim on that one. The ball was everything Squall hated. Firstly, there was lots of socialising. Sure, Squall wasn't some social reject who couldn't talk to anyone, but he just didn't like idiots he hated making small talk to him.

"Yo, Squall!" Zell called, mouth full of food, champagne in hand.

"Speak of the devil..." Squall thought.

Zell handed him the champagne, "thought you might want one!"

"Nothing like getting drunk to make you forget all the awkwardness..." Squall sighed, taking a large gulp of his drink.

"Yeah. Wait, what?" Zell scratched his head, "anyway, look at us! We're SeeD baby!"

"Don't call me baby..."

"SeeD baby!" Zell jumped in the air, and on landing, offered his hand to Squall, "put it there!"

Squall looked at Zell, and then at the hand. He thrust the drink into Zell's hand, "I'm not a big fan of champagne..."

"Yeah... See ya, Squall," Zell turned on his heels and slumped off, muttering to himself, "jackass. Still the same as he used to be..."

Squall sighed with relief at the prospect of being able to spend time alone...

"Hey!"

Squall slapped his head. Selphie's voice wasn't welcome.  
"Zell! Wanna join the Garden committee?"

"Thank god," Squall thought, "she's not coming over..."  
"Hi, Squall!"

"Crap," he thought.

Selphie bounced over, and landed in front of Squall, as cheery faced as ever, maybe more so if she had alcohol in her system.

"I thought you were talking to Zell..." Squall said, not even lifting his head from the palm of his hand.  
"Nah, he was busy. I hope he wasn't avoiding my Garden committee question, lest I kill him..."

"I think he was avoiding the question. That's something you should definitely deal with right this second. Don't worry about me..."

Selphie nodded and turned to find Zell, but stopped before she could bound off. She turned back around, "do you wanna join the Garden committee?"

Squall was cornered. He couldn't escape. If he said yes, he would have to sit through hours of planning what colour the decorations should be. If he said no, then he would break Selphie's heart, and that would make working with her very awkward.

Squall gave a non committal grunt.

"What was that? Was that a yes?!"

Squall was trapped. He couldn't get away now. He had no choice but to nod.

"Really! OMG!"  
"OMG?"

"Oh my God!" Selphie said.

"Couldn't you have said that in the first place?"  
Selphie ignored him, "I know we're gonna be busy with SeeD stuff, but we're gonna put on a rocking show! With the Jonas Brothers?"  
"Good," Squall thought, "maybe I can kill them. Do some good while on the Garden committee..."

Selphie gave a cheery wave goodbye and bounced off to find another helpless candidate to join the Garden committee.

Squall spent the next ten minutes at the back of the room, on his own. He loved the fact that no one else had talked to him. He looked to the sky; a shooting star flew by. It was beautiful. His eyes lowered. There, in the middle of the dance floor, was a young woman, roughly the same age as Squall. She was also somewhat beautiful, but compared to the shooting star she was nothing. She had also been watching the shooting star. After gazing (with mouth closed, much more dignified than Squall) she lowered her eyes, which met with Squall's.

Squall couldn't not stare. Their eyes were locked together. Squall wondered whether he should talk to her.

"Oh crap, she's coming this way..." Squall thought as the young woman walked towards him.

She had flowing dark hair and was wearing a shimmering golden dress. Appropriate length as well, not too long; so she didn't look like a shut off cow, and not too short; so she didn't look like a prostitute. Some would say it was natural beauty. Others would see the fact she was wearing loads of make-up, but none of this mattered to Squall. All that mattered was that he didn't look like an idiot.

"Hello," she said cheekily.  
"I once urinated into a fish bowl," Squall said. It was, strangely, the first thing that came to mind. Miles ahead of "hello".

"I mean, hello," he corrected.

She shook her head, trying to erase the memory, "I was looking around and couldn't help but think that you were the best looking guy here. Dance with me?"

She stared deeply into his eyes, and all Squall could think about was more stories about urination.

"I can't dance," he said. It was true, last time he danced, his partner lost a foot.

"You'll be fine, I'll teach ya!"

She grabbed his hand and dragged him to the dance floor.

They took a spot right in the middle of the floor. The girl grabbed his left hand, and moved the right one to her waist.

They may have only known each other for a minute, but obviously this was appropriate.

Much to Squall's dismay, this was one of those actual dances, with proper moves and everything. Not one of those where you can move our hips a bit and claim to be "dancing". It was a classical dance. Squall had no idea what he was doing, it was probably why he kept standing on the girl's feet. This raised a question; Squall had been, up to know, somewhat anti-social towards the girl, in fact, the first thing he said to her involved urinating, and now he was standing on her feet. Why the hell was she still with him? By now any normal girl would have ran away to another guy, even if he wasn't the best looking in the room. Either this girl was stupid or determined. Squall was going with stupid.

"So, what do you think of the placebo effect in spinal nerves?" she said with a lot of seriousness.

"Ok," thought Squall, "she's determined."

Squall kept on stumbling around, losing his place and stepping on toes.

The girl gripped his hands again, with some force, putting them back in their place.

They span around, trying their best to stay in time with the music. There was one move where the dancing partners must extend their arms and spread apart from each other. Squall overdid this move, flying out into another guy, and flew back in to crash into the girl.

Squall had had enough. He felt embarrassed and tried to flee the dance floor.

"Where the hell are you going!" said the girl, grasping his collar and dragging him back.

They span and span, the music carrying them. Squall crashed into more and more people. He got plenty of dirty looks, which the girl more than matched. She actually scared someone enough that they fled the dance floor, even the room.

Their eyes met again. Squall manned up, took her hands again and danced. And danced well. He actually managed to dance without stepping on people, or running into people. Basically he did it without making an ass of himself.

He span her around and they met again. Their noses were almost touching. The lights dimmed and the sky was illuminated by glorious fireworks. He stood watching their beauty, but he felt like he was the only one. It even felt like someone was watching him.

"Play it right Squall and you could get lucky..." he thought to himself. He lowered his gaze, hoping his eyes would meet with the girl he had only known for three minutes. But the romance was drained when he realised she wasn't looking at him, her gaze was elsewhere.

She glanced back at Squall, gave him a wink, and took off for the mystery person at the back of the room. Squall felt deflated.

"At ease, soldiers," he muttered to himself as he turned round and headed to the balcony for some fresh air.

The night air brushed against Squall's face as a cool breeze came by. A cool breeze was good, but Squall could probably do with a cold shower.

"That's some good dancing," came the voice of Quistis.

"Thank you," Squall muttered.

"Was that a sincere thank you?"

"Depends," Squall said, turning to face his Instructor, "was that a sincere compliment?"

Quistis just laughed. It probably wasn't a sincere compliment. She leaned against the railings.

"Yes?" Squall asked, the air had quickly become uncomfortable.

"Oh, you can dance with some girl you don't even know, but you can't stand being around me?" she said with a grin on her face.

"Pretty much," Squall said, staring into the night sky. Quistis' grin soon vanished.

"I'm here to give you official orders. You and I are to go to the 'secret area' in the Training Centre. It's where students meet to talk after curfew," Quistis said to Squall.

"Are we going on some discipline hunt, telling people they're violating curfew? Leave that to Seifer. And Captain and Tennille."

"Just get changed and meet me at the entrance to the Training Centre," Quistis started to walk away, "this will be my last order."

Squall watched his Instructor walk away, "last order?"

Squall went to his room and changed, just like he'd been asked. Part of him was going to find out what Quistis meant by "last order". He also felt like doing some more training for the quadrillionth time today. He changed out of his SeeD uniform and into his normal clothes, and headed for the Training Centre. The Garden was a strange sight at night. During the day it is full of hustle and bustle, but at night it became eerily quiet. The lights were dimmed and Squall could hear the echo of every one of his footsteps, loudly banging over the faint noise of the ball which was still taking place. The Training Centre was the only place, bar the dorms, that was open at night. All the entrances to other areas of Garden were blocked off by Faculty members, who Squall was sure were watching him. Squall reached the Training Centre and walked inside. He met Quistis, now in her normal clothes, in the corridor leading to the actual Centre.

"Right. Are you ready?" Quistis asked.

"Don't you dare ask..." Squall thought. If she was going to ask another benign question again, Squall was going to flip.

"Hey, Squall, I have a question..."  
"Careful," he thought, "you're on thin ice."

"Have you ever fought T-Rexaur?"

Squall kept his cool. It was a reasonable question, not directly part of his training. Even though he had encountered them in the past, how was Quistis to know?

"Yeah, I have," Squall answered.

"You can beat it easily by junctioning status magic. Do you know how to do that?"

Squall flipped, "oh gee, do I know how to junction status magic? Let's think. I'm now a qualified SeeD, probably one of the best students of the year, yet I don't know how to junction status magic. I mean, it's not like I've been taught it since I was twelve! But hey, you're the Instructor, you must be right!"  
"Squall, please..." Quistis said.

"I think I forgot all about it, Instructor, you'll have to teach me it again! I've also forgotten how to talk! Blah gah gah blah!"

"Squall! Shut up!" Quistis shouted.

"My point has been made. Let's just go..."

Squall marched ahead, Quistis keeping her distance. Squall wondered if he'd been a bit too harsh, it almost seemed like Quistis was crying.

They fought their way through the thick jungle. The Training Centre tried its best to mimic the real world, to create a realistic environment, for both the monsters and the students. Trees and plants littered the entire expanse. Squall and Quistis tore through the monsters, all low level grats, with ease. They reached the secret area within minutes. The secret area was a balcony of sorts, away from the foliage and the monsters. Couples were gathered there, some of them wincing when the Instructor entered. Squall leaned on the edge of the balcony looking at the main building of Garden.

"I haven't been here in a while..." Quistis said, sighing over past memories.

"Well this is used mainly for making out," Squall noted, "when was the last time you..."

Squall stopped when he noticed Quistis was giving him evil eyes.

"I mean, you're an Instructor, why would you come here?" corrected Squall.

They both stared at the Garden. Squall knew that Quistis had something to say, but she wasn't letting on.

"What time is it?" she asked, avoiding the thing she wanted to say.

"Midnight," Squall answered.

"Balls to it," Quistis said after more silence, "I'll just tell you. I, Quistis Trepe, am no an Instructor as of now!"

"Really?" asked one of the other students, "so it's cool if I carry on making out with my girlfriend?"  
"Sure..." Quistis replied, "what do you think, Squall?"  
"Really..." he said apathetically.

"Is that it?"

Squall turned to his ex-instructor, "what else is there to say?"

"I'm a SeeD now, like you. Maybe we'll work together."

Squall had flashes before his eyes, premonitions of being nagged to death.

"They said I failed as an Instructor," Quistis said, getting teary eyed, "I was a SeeD by the age of fifteen, an Instructor at seventeen. That was only one year ago. Are you even listening?"  
"Sure, I'd say about four," Squall said staring at the night sky.

"All I wanted to do was get my feelings off my chest, but you..."  
"Maybe I don't want to hear your problems. I don't have anything to say..."  
"I'm not asking you to say something, I just want to talk to someone..."  
"Then go talk to a wall!"

Quistis was taken aback. She was speechless, and more tears started to gather.

"Everyone has to take care of themselves. I don't want anyone else's burden," Squall said, turning away from Quistis.

"No leadership qualities... Failed Instructor... Perhaps they're right. God knows I failed with you..." Quistis ran out of the secret area, leaving Squall on his own.

"Dude," said one of the students, "that was a bit of a mood killer..."  
Squall turned back towards Garden, his home. Maybe he should turn back to Quistis, his friend. He walked out of the secret area, hoping to track down Quistis.

Squall searched through the thick forest, looking for the ghastly pink number Quistis always wore. He couldn't find her anywhere.

He had been such a jerk.

No, he had just been himself. God her was an ass.

He stumbled through, now heading for the exit, giving up all hope of finding Quistis. He walked through, his head in the clouds, and walked straight into a monster. A T-Rexaur. A T-Rexaur that was attacking Quistis.

"Help me," she mouthed.

The monster hadn't realised Squall was there, so Squall jumped on its back. It was at this point it noticed Squall.

Squall had been hoping for a sneak attack, but generally jumping on a monster's back isn't sneaky. The monster shook about, trying to get Squall of its back. Squall held on, even making progress to the head.

The monster span in circles, even taking out Quistis with its tail. Squall clawed up the back of the beast, climbed on its neck, lifted his gunblade high and sunk it into the skull of the T-Rexaur. The effects were sudden, and the monster crashed to the ground, Squall rolling off with panache.

"I'm sorry," he said as he landed at Quistis' feet.

"I'll show you sorry!" she lifted her whip but was distracted as screams tore through the trees.

"Who was that?" Squall asked, cowering.

"Somebody help!" came the voice.

"Come on Squall!" Quistis ran ahead, Squall following, jumping over fallen trees and dead animals.

They emerged near the entrance, to find a girl, not much older than Squall, being attacked by a giant wasp.

Squall recognised the girl instantly; it was the same one from the infirmary that morning.

"It's the girl from the infirmary this morning!" he said to Quistis.

"I know," Quistis said, "the Narrator said first."

"Squall? Squall!" the girl called, "and Quisty?"

The creature was a Granaldo, a giant wasp, and it was accompanied by four Raldo, comparable to armadillos, just made of stone.

Squall drew his gunblade; if he saved the girl, maybe he could find out who the hell she is.

Squall dived in, taking out one of the Raldo immediately. Quistis ran to the aid of the girl, taking her to safety before using her whip to wrap around one of the Raldo's necks.

They had already taken out three Raldo, and as Squall was preparing to take out the fourth and final one, it curled up and stormed towards him. Squall dived out of the way, but it still caught his leg. Squall grabbed it and cried out in pain. He stood up, supporting his weight on his other leg, but found that the Raldo was taking another run at him. Squall waited and timed his jump perfectly. Squall was now standing on top of the Raldo, the perfect place to attack. He slammed his gunblade into the monster, killing it immediately.

Squall and Quistis turned to the last enemy. It was too high in the air for Squall to reach, but Quistis had him covered. With one swift crack of her whip, the Granaldo was dragged down to the ground by its stinger. It tried desperately to escape, but Squall jumped in and sliced off its head. All that was left was its squirming body.

Squall and Quistis were victorious. Squall turned to the girl, who was on her knees. He wanted an answer.

But before he could ask, two men in white suits jumped out of nowhere.

"It's not safe here," said one of the men, "let's go!"

"Ok," said the girl. She walked off without a word of thanks to Squall or Quistis.

"Who the hell were they?" Squall exclaimed, "and who the hell was she? And what the hell just happened?"

"I don't know. Let's not think about it. We'll never see her again anyway..." Quistis said as she led Squall out of the Training Centre.

They reached the corridor where their night started.

Quistis stopped suddenly, but Squall carried on.

"No one can get by on their own, Squall," called Quistis.

Squall stopped, and turned to face Quistis, "says who?"

"Me. Did you not just hear me."

Squall rolled his eyes and set off again.  
"Wait, Squall!" called Quistis. She ran up to Squall, "one last thing..."

And suddenly, without warning, she slammed her fist into Squall's jaw.

"What the hell?!" Squall cried, grabbing his now throbbing jaw.

"That's for all the smarmy ass comments you made to me today!"

She took out her whip and wrapped it around his leg, pulling him over.

"That's for the times when you had a go at me for just HELPING YOU! Sorry, I forgot how to properly socialise!"

She cracked her whip at Squall a couple more times.

"And that's for shouting at me before in the secret area!"

She stormed off, kicking him in the ribs before leaving.

Squall watched her leave, "what the hell just happened?!" he cried as he grabbed at his ribs.

Squall somehow managed to limp back to the dorms. All he wanted was to collapse on his bed, but as he reached the corridor...

"There you are!"  
"Oh god, not now Zell..." Squall said as Zell ran up to him.

"Where the hell were you, man!" Zell said, playfully punching Squall in the chest.  
"Don't do that..." Squall winced.

"Sorry, man. Hey, we're both SeeD now right?"

Squall didn't answer; it was fairly obvious.

"Right...?"

Squall sighed, "yes Zell."

"Well guess what? We get brand new rooms! They're much bigger, and you don't have to share an area with anyone. Sweet, huh!" Zell was too excited at the prospect of a bigger room.

"Great. I'm going to bed, " Squall said, pushing past Zell.

"Hey guess what else?" Zell called.

"Please say you're going to be quiet as a SeeD..." Squall sighed as he turned to face Zell.

"Nope! We're next door neighbours!"

"Woohoo?" Squall asked.

"Yeah. Our beds are right next to each other," Zell approached Squall, "all that separates us is a wall..."  
"I'm rearranging my room..." Squall said as he limped to his room.  
"Oh, and if you hear any noises like bed springs, then that's me jumping on my bed. Yeah, jumping..."

"Stuff rearranging my room," Squall thought, "I'm full on changing rooms. And if I can't, I'll gladly sleep outside..."

-----

Another one for ya!

Enjoy!

p.s. Thanks to those who review my story, and those who just read it also deserve kudos!


	10. Chapter 10 Not In Kansas Any More

Chapter 9 – Not in Kansas Any More...

Squall had a restless night. His head swam with thoughts of that girl at the dance, and then about the girl in the Training Centre, and then about both girls together which was the thought that sent him into a happy sleep. What was mainly annoying him was the question of "who the hell are they?" and "why do they both know me and/or feel they can approach me as if we know each other like good friends, not best friends, just those friends which you see occasionally, usually because they live far away, you want to see them more often but train tickets are so expensive these days and I'll be damned if I'm paying for an adult ticket when I'm a student, it's not my fault my rail card got lost in the post!?" was also a question which plagued his mind. He fell asleep, happy he was now a SeeD and knew that tomorrow was going to be a good day!

"Squall!" Selphie called through Squall's bedroom door.  
Squall couldn't help but think today was going to be, in nicer terms, shit.

"Squall, it's our first SeeD mission! We're going to Timber! Super awesome!"

"Super awesome?" Squall thought, "super lame, more like..." Squall wasn't the best at witty responses.

Squall got up, didn't need to get dressed or anything, because it's apparently all right to wear the same clothes you wore the night before, which are stained with monster blood. He picked up his gunblade and put it in it's sling... Or holster... Whatever the hell it is, and walked out into inevitable annoyance. Selphie had already left, and Squall could only assume they had to meet at the front gate.

It was a sunny day, the school was bustling with activity, and plenty of noise which rang through Squall's head; he was somewhat hungover from the night before. It's rather strange that there was a mission arranged the day after the Inauguration Ball, most would assume the SeeD would be out getting drunk off of their asses. Squall reached the front gate and saw Selphie there already. Along with her was Headmaster Cid, obviously there to give them their mission and wish them luck. There was also one of those creepy Faculty members, hidden under their robe. Squall wondered what they had to hide; some sort of disfigurement, gruesome face scars, or maybe they had no face at all... Or maybe they had an anus for a face. Squall eventually settled with the idea that they had anus faces, and it amused him to think of face's faeces. Squall did notice a lack of something... A severe lack of pain in the backside...

"One more minute..." the Faculty member said.

Squall and Selphie exchanged looks with each other; it was apparent they were both thinking the same thing...

"Trust Zell to be late..." Squall thought.

"I wonder," Selphie thought, "what would Squall look like if you shaved his head?"

Without warning, crashing and screaming came from the direction of the school.

"Zell..." Squall thought.

"It'd be like a peanut. I'm allergic to peanuts... Wait, was it peanuts or cucumbers...?" Selphie thought.

Sure enough, Zell came zooming through the school on a hover-board. It was the ultimate in douchebag accessories, so trust Zell to own one. It appeared he hadn't quite mastered it; Squall assumed the screams came from people who had to leap out of the way of oncoming Zell traffic. Squall was also pretty sure there was some blood on the hover-board.

"Made it! Quickly and painlessly!" Zell said, jumping from his board.

"Yeah, maybe you made it pain free, don't know about everyone else..." Squall said.

"Hey! If they don't want to get hit by a hover-board then they shouldn't be walking there!"  
"Where!?" Squall asked, "the corridor!?"

"Damn straight!" Zell huffed, lifting up his hover-board.

"That is a forbidden item..." said the Faculty member apathetically.

"What? This can of soda?" Zell said, holding out a can of soda.

"No. That in your hand..."

"What? The latest issue of Balamb Buzz Weekly? With hot stories such as rumours of Deling's political movements and other stories which quite clearly make hints to later aspects of the storyline?"

"No..." sighed the Faculty member, "that hover-board..."  
"What hover-board?" Zell winced.

"The one in your hand..."  
"You mean the latest issue of Bal... Hey!" Zell cried as the Faculty member snatched the hover-board from Zell's hands, muttering obscenities.

"You must set an example as SeeDs. This is not setting an example!" he barked at the three team members.

"To be fair, it is still setting an example, just a bad one..." Zell muttered.

The Faculty member tried to grab at Zell, but Headmaster Cid stepped in the way.

"Good morning Gentlemen and Lady!" he bowed to Selphie, "you're first mission today! Hope you're not too hung over!"

"Not me," Zell said proudly, "stomach of steel!"  
"Is that why you spent most of last night throwing up?" Selphie giggled.

"Nuh-uh!" Zell cried back.

"Yuh-uh!"  
"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-uh!"  
"Oh my god, shut up..." Squall said, rubbing his temples.

"I concur!" Cid beamed, "shut the hell up! Now, you'll be off to Timber to assist a resistance! That is your mission, do as they say. If they tell you to kill someone, kill them. If they tell you to clean up their mess, you clean up their mess. If they tell you to dress in skimpy costumes and re-enact the entire of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, you better god damn do it..."

"Skimpy clothing?" Zell said, "easy!"

Squall gave him concerning eyes.

"When you get there, one of the resistance members will be there to meet you," the Faculty member stepped in, "he will say 'the forests of Timber sure have changed' and you will say 'but the owls are still around'. That is the password."  
"I'll so remember that; 'but the chocobos are still around...'" Zell said to himself.

"No, owls..." Squall corrected him.

"What about owls?"  
"The password is owl's..."  
"I know the password's ours, sheesh Squall..."

"Is that it?" Selphie asked.

"Yes. We are doing this for very little money, we usually don't deal with cases like this but..."  
"That is not important, Headmaster..." the Faculty member said.

"They wouldn't stop pestering. They kept saying 'we know a good lawyer'..."

"Headmaster..."  
"But I didn't do it! She groped me first!"  
"HEADMASTER!"

"What!? Oh yes, that's all! Wait!" he said as they started to head out, "there's still this..."

Headmaster Cid picked up a small ornament off the wall. It was a lamp, not in the traditional sense, but the kind that you would find a Genie in.  
"Take this!" Cid said, handing it to Squall.

"What is it?" Squall asked, holding the object at arms length.

"It's a magic lamp!"

"Magic!" Selphie squealed.

"Sweet! Do we get three wishes?" Zell said, buzzing with anticipation.

Squall took a better look at the lamp. It was black, with a shine that you could see yourself in. Squall had his reservations; it didn't feel very good to hold, as if it was oozing evil. On the other hand, it was a MAGIC lamp, and that must mean good things were inside. Maybe, like Zell said, it would grant them wishes, because, let's face it, what the hell else would be in a magic lamp?  
"Should we rub it?" Squall asked the other two.  
"That's always a good idea!" Zell said, jumping around with excitement.  
"I'm gonna wish for world peace," Selphie said, "ooh, or my own dictatorship!"

"It's unanimous," Squall thought. As he rubbed the lamp, he couldn't help but wonder what mysteries awaited him...

Some hours later, they re-emerged.

They were all breathing heavily, and were bloody all over.  
"I meant to warn you..." Cid said, offering a handkerchief.

"What... the hell... was that?" Squall panted.

"Well..."  
"Did you know what was in there?"  
"Yes..."  
"Why didn't... you say something?" Squall wheezed, grabbing his chest.

"I thought you knew..."  
"In what world would I think that an innocent looking lamp, one which was given to me by my friggin' Headmaster, would be dangerous!?"  
"Well it was black..."  
"What you trying to say?"  
"Well, dark colours do denote evilness... It's the basics of media..."  
Squall rubbed his eyes.

"We just had to fight the freakin' devil! The devil!"  
"I know... I..."  
"Look at the other two, Zell's never gonna be the same again!"  
Zell was sat on the floor, rocking back and forth, "Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs..."  
"Who the hell's Theresa? Who knows!" Squall carried on ranting, "and look at Selphie!"  
"Hi!" Selphie said, waving at Squall and Cid.  
"Okay, so Selphie's no different, but she died seventeen times! Seventeen! Good job we can disobey the laws of the world!"

"Well I tried to warn you..." Cid said, cleaning his glasses.

"At what point did you try!?"

Cid started, but stopped, "ah yes, I was going to, but then I saw a leaf falling off the tree. It was so majestic..."

"It's a good job we beat that thing... I'd be careful, Sir, because now I can control the devil!"

Squall and Selphie picked up Zell and carried him off. Squall gave Cid glaring eyes as they went.

"What an ass," Cid said, "I'm so demoting that cocky son of a..."

The journey to Balamb was an uneventful one. Squall was sure Zell was flirting with Selphie; every time he killed a creature, he would follow it with "yeah, I'm a badass..." Selphie may appear stupid, but she knew what Zell was up to. Every time she killed a creature, she would follow it up with "I hope it was a guy, 'cos I hate men!" Unfortunately this did not deter Zell, probably because he was questionably male as far as psychological issues go.

Squall just walked past all the awkward moments between the moment. Zell must have assumed to awkwardness was of a sexual nature, whereas Selphie thought, and was right in thinking so, that the awkwardness was the kind where you walk in on your girlfriend doing it with your best friend... What has he got that I haven't! Sorry...

They reached Balamb quickly, although it felt like hours to Squall.

"I'd like to buy three tickets to Timber," Squall asked.

"That'll be three thousand gil please, sir!" chirped the receptionist.

"Rip off!" whispered Zell, "haggle!"  
"I'm not going to haggle..."  
"How about one thousand for three tickets," Zell asked, raising his eyebrows.

"How about no. If you're not going to buy the tickets then please leave, I need to go have a cigarette..."  
"Wait, wait, how about one and a half thousand?" Zell said, leaning in.

"I need my fix!" she roared, punching Zell in the arm, knocking him over.

"Oh, it's on bitch!" Zell said jumping up.

"Here," Squall intervened, "take this three thousand for the tickets, and an extra five hundred for yourself."  
The receptionist looked at the money in Squall's hand, and snatched it away, "it's lucky your leader is so charming and handsome, otherwise you wouldn't be going anywhere," she walked past Squall, leaning in to whisper to him, "your train doesn't leave for fifteen minutes..."  
Squall just looked at her, then walked away. Was he being a proud man and walking away from potential good times, or was he now numb to sexual suggestions? Who knows...

They boarded the train, waiting for it to leave. They found themselves in a rather swanky looking train. The room they were currently in was metal all over, with a sparkling finish. Squall was used to riding trains with homeless people and crazy men who said the moogles were talking to him. This was a step up; a definite benefit of being a SeeD.

"This. Train. Is. Awesome!" Selphie said, mouth wide open.

"Intercontinental train, baby! It even goes underwater to get to Timber..." Zell said matter-of-factly.

"Wow, know anything else about trains," quipped Squall.

"Well, this particular line was opened only twenty years ago, as a means to directly connect to Timber. It used to be that you had to catch a boat to Dollet, and then a train to Timber..."  
"I was joking Zell..."  
"This particular line used to be owned by the Timber Train Transport until Galbadia occupied Timber an made it Galbadian Train Service..."  
"Zell, shut up..."  
"But then Balamb Transport Association bought them out and made their own trains. Currently, the BTA is in financial loss, and talks are in the pipeline for Dollet Transport to merge with the BTA so they have enough money to continue. Wanna know more?"  
"Yeah!" Selphie said, as she sat on the floor, legs crossed, staring at Zell wide-eyed.

"Hell no..." Squall said.

Squall looked at the door to the corridor, where the SeeD suite was.

"Dude, you have to use the ticket to get in..." Zell said.

"Thanks. My tiny head couldn't work it out, even with the sign that says 'scan ticket here'..." Squall swiped the ticket and Selphie barged past him.

"Let's check this bitch out!" she shouted.

The other two followed after her. Zell spotted the SeeD suite first and raced in. Selphie was looking out of the window. The train had set off already, and Selphie was watching the scenery flash by. Squall followed Zell into the suite. He found Zell bouncing on the furniture.

"This is awesome!"  
"I wish people would stop using the word awesome. It's not cool..." Squall said, observing the room. It was very plush; the room was carpeted and the walls were papered. The couches which Zell was bouncing on looked incredibly comfortable, good enough to sleep on if the two beds were already occupied.

"Nice, innit!" Zell said, settling down.

"Yeah..."  
Selphie walked in, looking dazed.

"Hey, Squall, wanna hear about Timber?" Zell asked.

"Not really..." Squall said. He wanted to make sure Selphie was okay.

"Dude, it might help..."  
"Zell, shut up..." Selphie was going pale, she might collapse.

"Fine, if you don't want to be prepared..."  
Zell, shut the hell up. Timber, sixteen years ago, Galbadia invaded! Timber fell easily. Timber is now under Galbadian occupation. Some say there are loads of resistance factors, but I'll be damned if they've actually accomplished anything! Happy now?"  
"Dude," Zell said, shocked, "it was eighteen years ago..."  
"Oh you little f..."  
"Guys," Selphie whimpered, "I don't feel so good..."

She stumbled forward and collapsed on the couch.

Squall checked to see if she was all right.

"Dude," Zell slurred, "I feel... Sleep... shap-al-ar-baa..."

Squall didn't know what to do. First day as a SeeD and he was already being... Pois... Wow, feeling incredibly sleepy...  
"Oh no..." Squall said. His consciousness went and he fell to the floor like a log. Good job it was carpeted...

-----

Somewhere, far away, deep in a forest, three Galbadian soldiers marched. It was odd. Squall wasn't there, but his consciousness was. Was this a dream?

"Do you know where the hell you're going?" said one of the three, a skinny man with a black complexion, who had two knives on either side of his hips.

The man who he was talking to, presumably the leader, ignored him. He surveyed his surroundings.

"Laguna?"

Laguna (as that appears to be his name, could be anything, this is a dream after all) carried on ignoring him. He flicked his flowing black hair out of his eyes. All three of them were dressed in the blue Galbadian uniforms, showing they must have been low in rank. Laguna carried on, walking through the burning forest.

"Where am I?" thought Squall.

"Oh boy," said the larger man, "not again..."

It was clear he was talking to Laguna, rather than making a general statement. But Laguna ignored it still, and carried marching onwards, almost with a skip in his step.

"Hey Kiros," the larger man said, "aren't we supposed to be fighting a war against the Timber army?"  
Kiros grinned, "oh yeah, Ward, so wait, why are we messin' around with a bunch of animals?"

"Well, Laguna, do you have an insight into this?" Ward asked.

"Well..." Laguna started.

"Not lost again, are we?" Kiros laughed.

"Of course not!" Laguna exclaimed, "we're on our way home, boys. Deling City here we come!"

"And how are we supposed to accomplish that feat?" Kiros said sceptically.

"My dear Kiros, I am in possession of a driving license..." Laguna said smugly.

"Yeah. Anything to drive?"  
"That!" He said dramatically, pointing to an abandoned armoured car, owned by Galbadia.

"And the keys are still inside! Jackpot!" Laguna said, hopping into the driver's seat, "all aboard!"

The other two just looked at each other, and that was enough. They climbed aboard, hoping they would actually make it home.

Laguna drove the car back to Deling City, luckily without crashing it. He raced into Deling City, parking it in the middle of the road.

He jumped out and smelled the air.

"Er, Laguna," Ward said, climbing out of the car, "you can't park there..."  
"Don't be absurd, Ward! We are Galbadian troops! It is one of the perks of fighting for our glorious nation!"

"Er, no it isn't..."  
"Quiet, Ward, I think I know more than you..."

"Excuse me, sir," called a policeman who chased after them, "you can't park there!"  
"Don't be absurd, Ward!"

"I didn't say anything..."

"Sorry, I assumed you were the one being an ass... Hello, Officer, may I help you?"  
"Is this your vehicle?"  
"Nope!"

I just saw you park it..." the policeman pulled out a notebook.

"My dear, Officer, we are members of the Galbadian Army! We deserve respect!"

"Yes, you do," the policeman said, looking up from his book, "but that does not mean you can break the law. And it would also help if you were actually in the war that is currently going on... Now if you don't move this vehicle, I will have to have it towed..."  
"Splendid!" Laguna threw him the keys and bounded off to the city centre.

Kiros and Ward followed, offering their apologies to the stunned policeman.

"How about a drink!" Laguna asked, rubbing his hands together.

"A drink? We all know you ain't going for a drink..." Kiros said.

"Yeah, you'll just drink your juice and gawk at the Piano Lady..." Ward chuckled.

"Her name is not the Piano Lady!" Laguna snapped, "fine! We won't go for a drink..."  
They stood there in silence.

"Stuff it, I'm thirsty..." Laguna muttered as he slumped off to the bar.

The bar in question was the one in the basement of the Galbadia Hotel. It was decorated in lush reds, and a piano sat on the stage at the front, currently unoccupied. They took their usual table in the corner.

"May I take your order?" asked the waitress.

"The usual," Laguna said, eyeing the stairs.

"So two pints of beer and an orange juice for you. Do you want a straw with that?" she giggled.

"Ha ha. Now get stuffed!" Laguna barked. He was in no mood for jokes. Actually, he wouldn't mind a limerick.

And then something caught his eye. He looked to the stairs to see a woman walking down them, in a flowing red gown. Laguna stared with open mouth. She was so sexy and sophisticated and classy...

She took her seat at the piano and started playing the ivory.

"There's Julia. You going to go for it tonight?" Kiros said, taking a sip of his beer which just arrived.

"I think she's a bit busy working..." Laguna said, not letting his eyes leave her.

"Yeah, we're supposed to be working, but it ain't stopping us from getting wasted!" Kiros said, giving him a nudge.

"You can't go back on your word..." Ward said, "that's how I ended up with a tattoo on my ass. Remember?"  
"Sure, you couldn't sit for a week... But come on, give me a break."  
"We know you'll do it..." Ward said, gulping down his drink, "another over here!"

Laguna took a sip of his orange juice ("it's a bit too tangy for my liking") and strode over to Julia.

"I'm so close to her..." Laguna thought.

"Is this guy serious?" Squall thought.

Laguna wiped the hair out of his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Oh shi..." he thought, "my leg's cramping up..."

He limped back to the table, not forgetting to turn back and give Julia a weak wave.

"Mission accomplished..." Kiros said, grinning.

"Good work, you sly dog..." Ward said, smirking.

"You can laugh if you want..." Laguna said, banging his head on the table.  
Squall couldn't help but laugh.

"Even my consciousness is mocking me!" Laguna cried.

"Hey, Ward, what would you say Laguna's manliness rating is?"  
"Hmm, about a minus two; because he sure is missing two of something!" Ward guffawed, gulping down another drink, "the same again!"

"Look, you better do something now, otherwise you'll be left to drag Ward back home..." Kiros said.

Kiros looked up, Ward followed his gaze, and downed another drink.

"Let's call it a night, Kiros," Ward said, standing up.  
"We're going?" Laguna asked, his voice unusually high in pitch.

"We are, you're not. Have another drink on us... Maybe two..." Kiros stood up as well, and he and Ward walked off.

"Wuss! Can't hold you're alcohol!" he turned round to watch them walk off and froze at what he saw.

Julia was walking towards him. Laguna gulped. He felt his heart racing and his palms became sweaty.

"May I?" she asked. Her voice was silky and sexy.

Laguna made a whimpering noise and let her take a seat.

"I'm not interrupting anything am I?" she joked.

"No, no. I could do with some female company... N-Not in a rude way, it's just that I spend a lot of time with men... N-Not that that means anything, we just d-do man thing... I-I mean stuff like play c-cards and shit like that..." Laguna's voice was quickly becoming higher.

He tried to take a gulp of orange juice, his hands were shaking like jelly and the glass hardly touched his lips.

"You okay now?" she asked Laguna, pointing to his leg.

"Yeah, yeah, it's just an effect of war because I'm in the army..."  
"I noticed. Such a pointless war against Timber..."  
"I know, isn't it. I mean, what good is Timber, we should be taking Dollet or something..."  
"I meant war is pointless, full stop. I hate it."  
"Yeah! That's what I meant! That's why I joined the army!"  
Julia just looked at him, "so you joined the army in protest against war?"  
Laguna freaked at his mistake, "I, I, I, I..."  
"Oh! So you're boycotting the army!"  
Laguna almost wet himself, "sure, exactly that!"

Julia and Laguna took a good look around the room. It seemed everyone was watching them, even Kiros and Ward who hadn't left. Lying bastards.

"Maybe we should talk somewhere more private. I have a room here..."  
Laguna bolted upright, "you're, you're room!?"

Julia stood up, "if you want to see me, just ask at Reception for my room number..."

And with that, Julia walked off, only looking back to give Laguna a stare.

Laguna sat and pondered for a minute.

"You coming, Laguna. Me and Ward are going to play cards..."  
"Cards?" Laguna thought, "balls to that!"

Laguna shot up and ran out of the room. He ran up the stairs and threw himself at the Receptionist.

"Julia... Room..." Laguna panted.

"You must be Mr. Loire? Let me show you to Miss Julia's room..."

Laguna took a deep breath and followed the Receptionist into the elevator.

"No going back, Laguna," he thought to himself, "if you're going to throw up, do it now..."

"Thanks for coming. Please have a seat..." Julia said as she opened the door to a very nervous Laguna.

"It's my pleasure. I came as fast as I could..."  
"That's what she said..." thought Squall.

Laguna tried to find a seat, but couldn't get comfortable.

"Going so soon?" she asked.

"No, I'm just kinda nervous. I'm a big fan of yours..."  
Julia blushed, "so is that why you come to see me play so often?"

Laguna's stomach jumped, "you saw me?"  
"How could I miss you? You have beautiful eyes..."  
"Whoa! That's a bit too like a stalker!" Laguna said, stepping back.

"Says the guy who always watches me play the piano!" she said back.

They both glared at each other. But it wasn't long until they both burst out laughing.

"Do you want some wine?" Julia laughed.

Laguna took the glass, "I better be careful, if I drink to much I won't be able to shut up talking about myself..." he thought. He decided he should just relax for once, and thought one glass couldn't hurt...

Although, a couple of glasses later...

"And that's the story of my first day at school. You know, I never liked fighting, I just wanna travel! See places and write about what I see! I wanna be a journalist, so combine the two and ta-daa!" Laguna slurred, spilling his wine everywhere.

"I mean, being in the army means I get to travel with Kiros and Ward, and their cool guys, but I, I, did you say something?"

"No... Julia said, staring into his eyes.

"What was I talking about? Oh yeah! When I grow up, I wanna be a journa... Journey... I wanna write and stuff! You know, the other day, the paper printed one of my pieces of writing!"  
"That's great!" Julia said, pouring more wine.

"It was only an ad for my old car, but it was so well written. They musta done some editing, 'cos I sent it in at four pages, but they cut it down to four lines! What bastards!"

He took a swig of his wine.

"Oh yeah, and then... Sorry, I didn't mean to grab your breast, and then..."

Laguna's ramblings carried on into the night. Several bottles of wine later...

"How'd I fall asleep?" Laguna said, stumbling off of Julia's bed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know wine made you sleepy..."  
"Only, only red wine..." Laguna said, swaying to and fro.

"That's what we were drinking..." Julia said, cleaning up the glasses.

"Really, I coulda sworn it wasn't!" Laguna stumbled over to Julia, "I musta been talkin' about myself loads. Tell me about yourself Julia..." Laguna slumped onto a chair in the middle of the room.

"I... I want to sing..." Julia said looking into Laguna's eyes.

"Wow! I bet, I bet you're really good! Let's hear you sing!"

"I'm not very good at writing lyrics..."  
"Aw! Bummer! Just... Copy someone else's and change the words. No one will notice!"

"Er, no thanks... But that's going to change, I want to thank you for helping me with my songs..."  
"Me? I'm no lyrical genius. If I've said anything remotely artistic..."  
"Well, kind of. All of those stories of the faces you've been and places you've seen... All of the emotions you felt and the situations you dealt... Your face, your smile, your eyes... With that I can write a song..."  
Laguna looked into her eyes, as she did into his.

"Look Julia..." Laguna said, grabbing her hands, "before anything happens, I gotta tell you, I don't have protection..."

"That's sweet..." Julia said, taking her hands back. She placed them on Laguna's face.

The moment was destroyed by a knock at the door.

"Laguna, new orders!" Kiros called from outside.

Laguna shot up and straightened himself out.

"We can meet again, can't we?" she said with desperation.

"Of course! I have to hear you sing!" Laguna said. He ran to the door and swung it open.

"See you soon!" Laguna said, winking at Julia. He started to sway; the drink was catching up with him.

"Be with you in a minute, boys..." he said as he collapsed, face first.

-----

"Next stop, Timber. Next stop, Timber."

Squall's senses began to come back, one by one. His vision focused and his balance came too. He stumbled up, "were we all asleep?"

Zell and Selphie had recovered quicker than Squall had, nice to see they had helped Squall up.

"Maybe it was sleeping gas. People don't like SeeD..."  
"So they put us to sleep and didn't do anything. Criminal masterminds..."

"Is anyone hurt?" Selphie asked meekly.

"No, we're all fine..." Squall said, sitting on the bed. His head was still spinning.

"What a relief!" Selphie chirped, bounding around, "I had such a nice dream..."  
"Mine was hardly nice..." Squall thought.

"That Laguna was pretty handsome..." she said dreamily.

"Laguna? There was a Laguna in my dream! A Galbadian soldier, right?"

"Squall! Zell's been invading my dreams!" Selphie cried.

"Laguna..." Squall started, "Kiros and Ward..."  
"Dude..." Zell said.

"That's freaky... Oh well, we've got other things to deal with!" Selphie said.

"You're right! No matter how synchronised our dreams were, we can't lose focus! We can report it when we get back to Garden..."  
"Suits me!" Zell said, jumping up, "we'll be arriving soon. Let's do this!"

Zell ran out of the room.  
Selphie followed him, "I'm still sleepy... Maybe if I go to sleep I can see Laguna again... And do things..."

Squall didn't know what to think. He shook his head of all doubt and headed after the other two. As long as he never had to see that jerk Laguna again; conscious or otherwise...

-----

I really enjoyed writing this chapter! Drunk talk is so much fun!  
I can't wait to take control of Laguna again!

Now, excuse me if you will, but I would like to tell you about a new forum I'm a part of, .tk.

It's a british forum about tv, movies, music and games. I'm just telling you in the hopes that you'll join this friendly community and make it even better! I'm a writer on the website, so if you enjoy this then you might enjoy my writing elsewhere!

Okay, shameless plug over! Please come back next week for more of the same!

Thanks again!


	11. Chapter 11 The Little Squall That Could

Chapter 10 – The Little Squall That Could

All three of the group stumbled off of the train. They had all experienced dream synchronisation and it was weird as hell. Squall tried putting it to the back of his mind, where it could niggle away quietly, slowly causing a tumour. Timber was a murky looking place; it was a rather industrial town, so little effort went into actually making it look like a nice place. There were greys and faded greens all over the place; as if some godly artist had run out of paint. But Squall had to keep his mind away from the topic of abstract art; it wouldn't be helpful in a mission.

"So," Zell said to the other two, "we're looking for some guy?"  
"Yeah..." Squall said, looking to see if anyone was trying to catch his eye. There was no one, apart from the person who looked like a transvestite, but they wanted Squall for other purposes and Squall really didn't have the time right now.

"Okay, some guy... Some guy... Is that him? No wait, that's a woman..." Zell searched the station.

"Oh, the forests of Timber sure have changed!" shouted someone on the platform. He was young, not much older than Squall, and wore a white shirt over which he had a sleeveless yellow jacket. What kind of person wears a sleeveless jacket?

"Is that him?" asked Selphie.

Squall nodded. Now all he needed to do was say the password.

"Yeah!" Zell said, strolling over to the man, "but the chocobos are still around..."

Squall launched forward and grabbed Zell.

"Chocobo?" the man asked.

"Sorry..." Squall said, offering his hand.

"Yeah, chocobo! This guy ain't part of the resistance! Let's kick his ass!" Zell drew his fists.

"Zell! You got the password wrong you putz!" Squall said, throwing him back.

"Sorry!" Selphie chirped, "but the OWLS are still around."  
"Oh, thank god," the man sighed, "for a minute there I was like 'oh no, we hired idiots'!"  
"You hired one," Squall muttered.

"Welcome to Timber! Please follow me!" He walked off to a small platform in the middle of the road. It looked like a local track; the trains that rode on it could only travel around town and surrounding areas.

No sooner had they stepped onto the platform, a rusting yellow train screeched to a halt in front of them. Or so it tried; it screeched right past them and stopped a couple of feet after the platform.

"Sorry about that," the man said, beckoning them forward to the train, "we've been having trouble with the brakes."

The three members exchanged cautious looks as they boarded the train.

The inside of the train was as shabby as the outside. Parts were falling off. Lights were flickering. And the train didn't sound too healthy.

One of the doors, which led to a conference room of sorts, started to open. But it was also broken, and kept stopping as it opened.

"What the hell is this!?" shouted a voice from the other side.

"I'll help you, sir!" said the man from the station.

Together, he and the man on the other side pried open the door.

"That was effort... Don't let it close!" the other man shouted at the one from the platform.

"I don't think that door's going anywhere..." Squall thought.

"Well well, what do we have here?" he said, eyeing them up, "SeeD?"

This one was wearing a simple blue hooded top, which was stained with food and oil. His hair was also unkempt, giving him the look of a hard worker. Or a homeless person.

"I'm Squall," Squall said, stepping forward, "I'm the leader. And this is Zell and Selphie."

"Good to meet you! I'm Zone, leader of the Forest Owls!" he offered his hand to Squall, who just nodded hello instead of taking the hand. Selphie took the hand and shook it excitedly. Zone withdrew his hand and shook the pain away, leaving Zell hanging.

"What the---" he stuttered, "but it's only my left hand..."

"This here," said Zone, pointing to the one in yellow, "is Watts. You've met him."  
Watts gave a meek wave.

"Right," Squall said, "let's get down to business."  
"Whoa, whoa, hold your horses. We've not met everyone! There's still the Princess!" Zone said.

"But it's the Princess' nap time. She doesn't like being woken up. Especially if she's having one of her 'special' dreams..." Watts noted.

"Squall, would you be a darling and go wake her..." Zone asked, beaming.

"Wake up someone I've never met?"

"What? I do it all the time. Easy peasy!"

"I'm not some errand boy... I'm a SeeD."  
Zone's smile disappeared, "you're not angry are you?"  
"No," Squall snapped, "I'll do this one thing, but not again. We're not here to do your laundry.

"Oh course not!" Zone laughed, kicking away a basket of dirty clothes. Suddenly, his face screwed up and he crouched down in pain.

"Are you all right, sir?" Watts asked, concerned.

"The less you know, the better..."

Squall shook his head and just walked away.

"There must be something in the water. Today's been abnormally trippy..."

Squall searched the train for the 'Princess'. Luckily, trains have a habit of being a rather linear experience, so Squall's search didn't go beyond 'she's not in the is room, so let's move on'. Soon enough he found her room, right at the end of the train. He instantly knew it was the Princess' room; it was adorned in pink all over. Squall wasn't going to enjoy the company of this girl.

He walked over to the Princess' bed and gave her a nudge. She was still wearing her day clothes, a simple black shirt and shorts combo with flowing blue knitted top, which tied neatly at the front. She had beautiful black flowing hair, which reminded him of someone he knew.

He nudged her a few times more.

She grunted and rolled over, slowly opening her eyes. Squall's apathetic face transformed into one of shock. The girl in front of him was very familiar, looking strangely like the girl he met not twenty-four hours ago. The same girl he danced with at the Inauguration Ball.

"You!" she screamed.

Squall was stunned. She was a big player in a Timber resistance, something which Squall had never expected. Although, if he had of expected it, it would have been weird. Who sees someone and thinks "they must be the leader of a resistance".

"You're the one from the party! The rubbish dancer!"  
"I'm Squall, leader of the SeeD you hired..."  
She shot up, "you're Seed!? I just thought you were some weird stalker!" she jumped on him, hugging him.

"Take it easy," Squall may just get along with this one...

"I'm just so happy! I didn't think Cid would listen to me, I mean, why would he want to help out a small resistance group..."  
"Yeah," Squall thought, "why would he go to the effort, unless he had ulterior motives..."

"So, it was Headmaster Cid you were looking for at the party?"  
"Yeah... You know Seifer?"  
Squall's stomach lurched, "we've met before..."

"Well he introduced me to Cid! And Cid said yes straight away! And now you're here! I need the toilet!" she skipped off to the toilet, "stay away from my fish bowl..."

Squall's head was spinning again. What the hell was going on? First he has a freaky dream which was made freakier by the fact that his team mates had the exact same dream. And then he met the resistance which was nothing more than three people in a tin on wheels. The leader of said resistance was an arrogant, constipated idiot who used the SeeD to do his odd-jobs and now it turns out one of the members of the resistance was the same girl he danced with the night before who somehow managed to get Cid obeying her every whim. And it also turned out this girl knew Seifer, and by the look in her eyes, it was a special kind of pre-existing relationship.

What the hell was going on!?

"Squall," said the girl, returning from the toilet, "is he here?"  
"He?"  
"Seifer?"

Squall bit his tongue. If she did have a relationship with him, it would be better not to offend, "no, we left that bastard back home..."

"Oh..."  
"He's not a SeeD. He's too immature and self-righteous and cocky and arrogant and smarmy and is the worst leader in the world, no regards for safety..."  
"I get the idea..." she looked down in the dumps now.

"Rinoa... I'm Rinoa by the way..." offering her hand to Squall. Squall took it and shook it.

A dog walked into the room. Squall's head was going to explode; he explored the whole of the train and never saw the dog, where the hell did it come from!? Squall was now sure he was still unconscious on the train.

"This is my partner, Angelo!" Rinoa said happily, it appeared the dog had cheered her up.

"Nice dog..." Squall winced; he wasn't a dog person.

"He's a smart dog. He helps me all the time. Aren't you a smart doggie. A yes you are, yes you are. A boobauidnakjd..." Rinoa said... Kind of...

"We better get to this meeting..." Squall said, looking at an imaginary watch.

"Yes, captain!" Rinoa saluted. She jumped up and ran for the conference room.

Squall was left in awkward silence with the dog.

"Smart dog... Bet it can't talk. That's where I trump you, you smug son of a bitch! Quite literally!"  
Squall backed out of the room, not taking his eyes off of Angelo. Dogs can smell fear...

"I'm Selphie, and this is Zell!" Selphie chirped, shaking Rinoa's hand vigorously.

"Yeah, I'm Zell," Zell said, acting cool, "I have a penis..."  
"Interesting..." Rinoa said, backing off.

"What the hell Zell!?" Selphie said, disgusted.

"What? The chicks dig that kind of dirty talk..." Zell raised an eyebrow to Rinoa.

Squall emerged at this point, unaware of his comrade's ramblings.

"We've only just met, but that won't stop me kicking you in the balls so hard that you'll only be able to communicate with dolphins, and even they'll be complaining about your high pitched voice!" Rinoa stormed off into the conference room.

"What did you say Zell? I leave you alone for two minutes and you immediately alienate Rinoa..." Squall said, barging past Zell to enter the conference room.

"What? Seifer said it would work!" Zell said, confused.

"Since when did Seifer give good advice?" Selphie asked.

Zell scoffed, "what would you know, you've only known him five minutes..."  
"Yeah," Selphie fumed, "but at least I have the brains to know he's full of shit; just like your head!"

Selphie stormed into the conference room, Zell cowering behind her.

"Right gang!" Zone chirped as Zell sneaked in, hiding in the corner, "time for Operation Train... Steal... Thing... I'm no good at coming up with names..."

"How about Operation Rainbow, sir?" Watts said as he walked into the conference room, holding papers close to his chest.

"Rainbow!?" Zone choked, "it hardly brings fear to a man's heart..."  
"I thought it would brighten up the day, sir!"

Zone shook his head, "what have you found out?"

Watts shuffled his papers, "I got the info, sir!"

"About the VIP from Galbadia?"  
"Super VIP, sir!"

A smile spread across Zone's face. He looked to Rinoa, who's eyes lit up.

"Vinzer Deling! Our nemesis! President of Galbadia! He's gonna be on that train! And we're gonna do him in!"

"He's a scoundrel, sir! More a dictator than a President!"

Rinoa jumped in, "his train is coming to Timber, and we're..."  
"Ooh, ooh!" Selphie squealed, "we're gonna blow it up with a rocket launcher!?"  
Rinoa looked in disbelief, "not quite..."  
"Aww... It's never a rocket launcher..."  
Zell leaned to Squall, "when the hell else would it be a rocket launcher?"  
Squall rolled his eyes, "this is Selphie. I wouldn't be surprised if it's always about rocket launchers..."

Rinoa cleared her throat, "have you girls finished talking?"  
Zell and Squall nodded.

"Good! Let's get on with this plan!"

Rinoa grabbed a cloth that covered the only table in the room and yanked it from its resting position. Underneath it was a model train track, with a couple of badly made trains. Squall didn't like the look of this...

"Right, this model here," Rinoa pointed to a yellow train, "this is us, the train we're in right now. The carriage attached to it, the red one, is the dummy car, it is a near exact replica of the actual Presidential car."

"Okay," Squall thought, "we have a dummy car. What do we do with it?"  
"You may be asking 'what do we do with it?'. Well I'll tell you; this train here, with three carriages, is the actual presidential train. This is the First Escort carriage, followed by the Presidential carriage and then the Second Escort Carriage. All we have to do is get onto this carriage..."  
"Wait, wait," Squall interjected, "how are we supposed to get onto the Second Escort? They won't let us waltz on there, I'm sure..."  
"Well," Rinoa continued, "we jump. Jump from our car onto theirs. Simple."  
"Dangerous, too!" Selphie said. She seemed a little bit too excited.

"Our ultimate goal is to kidnap the President!" Zone said smugly.

"You look a little bit too cheery considering that isn't an easy task. What are we going to do, tie him up?" Squall said. This plan had too many holes.

"Tie him up?" Zone scoffed, "why do that? What do you think the dummy carriage is for? Aesthetic value?"  
"It's a simple matter of switching the two cars, sir!" Watts said.

"Yeah! They end up with our dummy, and we get the real deal!"

"Wait, wait," Squall interrupted again, "simple matter?"

"There are two switch points along the rail road to Timber," Rinoa said, "we just need to uncouple the cars as we reach the switch points."

Squall wasn't convinced, "I'm not convinced."

It's simple enough..." Zone said, "let us guide you through the plan..."  
"Step 1," Rinoa started, "we jump onto the roof of the Second Escort. We run across avoiding the sensors..."  
"Sensors?" Zell asked.

"Well, there are two sensors on the train; a sound sensor and a temperature sensor, sir!" Watts explained, "the sound sensor will go off it there is any sound so STAY STILL. The temperature sensor will go off if it detects heat, so KEEP MOVING. The blue guard has the sound sensor, the red one carries the temperature sensor."  
"Simple enough!" Rinoa beamed, "so, we move on to the Presidential car. Run across it..."  
"Sensors?" Squall asked.

"No," Zone said, "Deling hates being crowded with stuff like that. No need to worry."  
"Anyway..." Rinoa continued, "we cross the Presidential car and uncouple it from the First Escort. Uncoupling is easy enough; I tell you a code, you type it in and BAM, done!"

"So, who's doing that?" Squall asked.

"Er, you sir!" Watts said.

"Great..."  
"SO..." Rinoa growled, "at this point, our train will move in. So the order will be First Escort, Dummy, Us, Presidential car and First Escort. Then we move back up the train and uncouple the Second Escort while Zell and Selphie uncouple our car from the First Escort. Then BAM; we escape with the real Presidential car and they're left with the dummy. Cheesecake!"  
"Sounds good... Wait; cheesecake?" Squall scratched his head.

"Remember," Zone said, "we only have five minutes, otherwise we'll collide, and it won't be pretty..."

"Five minutes?" Zell gulped, "is that enough time?"  
"Is that enough time," Zone mimicked, "of course it is! Grow some balls!"

"According to the simulation we ran, it should only take three minutes, sir!"

"Piece of cake!" Selphie chirped.

"Cheesecake by any chance," Squall muttered.

"That's a cool train, Rinoa!" Selphie said in awe, "but this Presidential car looks... Shabby..."  
"Yeah," Zone said, "all of the trains are store bought, apart from that one, which Rinoa made herself..."  
"Made it when she was five?" Zell joked.

"Ha ha!" Rinoa said, "I made it like that to show my hatred for Deling!"  
"Sure..." Zell mocked.

Squall rubbed his temples, "let me get this straight..."  
Everyone turned to him.

"You want to kidnap the President. Okay, fair enough. But do you really think its going to be as easy as you say it is? Have you had a reality check?"

The resistance looked disheartened.

"Do you really think the security is going to be that scarce on a President? Do you think it'll just be the couple of guards? Even if you do kidnap him, do you know what to do then?"  
Rinoa glared at the floor.

"Have you thought about the consequences? Do you think you'll escape this alive? They'll have your head! Your putting SeeD at risk, threatening world safety! You think it'll all be peachy, but look at you guys; a self proclaimed 'Princess', an idiot with constipation and that lesbian from the Snoopy comics! Hardly the Round Table!"  
"Squall..." Selphie said, "we're not here to criticise..."  
"No, Mr. SeeD!" Rinoa barked, "it isn't your job to criticise! It is your job to do as your told! We hired you, we own you! So be a good little bitch and do as we say, no matter how outlandish and dangerous!"

Squall sighed, "my priority is the safety of my team and SeeD worldwide..."  
"Your priority is me," Rinoa said, squaring up to Squall, "SeeD are nothing more than expendable soldiers, just about as important as the dirt on my shoes. You'll do what I say, and you'll do it now! Watts, let's get going! The train's coming! NOW!"  
Watts jumped to his business. Zone made it look like he was busy.

"We've got a job to do, soldier," Rinoa said, marching past Squall.

Zell stood next to Squall, "be a good little bitch and get going..."  
Squall glared at him. He was in hell.

"Good luck!" Watts shouted over the roaring wind. He closed the hatch to the roof, leaving Squall, Selphie, Zell and Rinoa on top of the train.

"Follow me!" Rinoa shouted running to the dummy car.

Squall could see the Presidential train approaching. It got closer and closer, to the point where Rinoa could reach it.

She took a running jump and landed safely on the Second Escort. Squall took a deep breath and followed, along with Selphie and Zell.

The Second Escort; Squall had to watch out for the sensors. Squall was happy to see he was right; the train was crawling with soldiers, most of them decked in blue. He noticed the ones with sensors; they were the one's patrolling up and down the corridor. Squall stepped cautiously. He looked beneath him to see the soldiers bashing their sensors, screaming at them.

"They must be broken!" Rinoa told him, "feel free to make as much sound as you want! You can also go ahead and be as exothermic as you please!"

Squall took a full sprint across the carriage and onto the Presidential car.

"Just across this car!" Rinoa shouted, taking the lead.

They marched onwards, bending over to fight against the wind.

"Do you hear that?" said one of the guard, perking up.

"Hear what?" said another.

The first stood up and followed the banging sound, "it's above us..."

He wandered absent mindedly into the President's car.

"Can you hear that?"  
"Dude..." the other stepped out of the room, almost stumbling over his own feet.

The first one was stunned. What had spooked his friend.

"What are you doing in here?" came a gruff voice.

The soldier froze, "er, er..."

"Why have you disturbed me? Why must everyone disturb me?"  
"S-Sorry, Mr. Deling, sir!" cowered the soldier.  
"You will be sorry..."  
"N-Not my pay check, sir! M-My girlfriend..."  
The President chuckled, "not your pay check. I have another thing in mind..."  
The soldier cowered, backing into the corner. His eyes widened and he screamed. That was all he could do...

"Do you hear that screaming?" Squall asked.

"No," Rinoa said back, "all I hear is your whiny voice! We're here!"  
They had reached the end of the Presidential car. They hopped onto the First Escort.

"Selphie! Zell! Keep watch of the guards!"

Zell and Selphie nodded to confirm, and ran to their positions.

"Can you manage three codes?" she asked Squall mockingly.  
"Easy," Squall smirked as he attached himself to the car. It was unfortunate that the codes had to be entered on a panel underneath the door of the train, on its side.

Squall jumped down.  
"3, 3, 2, 4!" Rinoa shouted down to Squall.

"3, 3, 2, 4..." Squall muttered to himself, biting his tongue, "done! Next!"  
"Squall watch out!" Selphie shouted to Squall.

Squall glanced to his left and saw a guard walking towards him.

"Shit..." he tugged at the rope that connected him to the train and it yanked him up.

"Next code!" he panted.  
"Wait until you get down there!" Rinoa snapped.

"It's easier to give it to me now!"  
"No!"  
"Stop bickering!" Selphie screamed at them.  
"Squall sighed, checked the coast was clear and jumped back down.

"Code, please!" he barked.

"Yo! Guard!" Zell bellowed.

"If she'd given me the bloody code..." Squall muttered as he pulled the code.

Squall started to ascend, but a sudden gust of wind blew him away. His feet slipped beneath him and he started to swing wildly.

"Dude! Guard!"  
"Shut up!" yelled a frantic Squall.

He banged against the side of the train. He couldn't find his feet. He tried to pull at the rope, but it wouldn't move. He hacked away at it furiously, until it budged, throwing him towards the ground. Squall stopped short of the ground, but he was dangerously close to the wheels. He had to move, otherwise the guard would see the rope, or maybe even Squall. Squall stretched his arms as far as he could and grabbed onto the train. He tried to drag himself to the end of the train, hoping to hide behind behind it, but as he got close, his fingers slipped throwing him in the opposite direction like a swing.

This the guard noticed.

He flung open the door, "what the hell is going on!"

But before he could call for backup, Squall came swinging back – thanks to good old gravity – and smashed into the guard, dragging him out of the train and throwing him onto the earth below. Squall used the open door to regain his position, remembering to shut the door behind him.

"Code," he panted, sweating furiously.

The other two codes went in easily enough. Squall pulled himself back up onto the roof of the train and they all dived onto the Presidential car just as it uncoupled from the First Escort. It flew forward and the dummy car, along with the resistance's base, slotted into the gap.

"Right!" Rinoa shouted, "onto the Second escort! Zell and Selphie need to head over to the First Escort again! GO GO GO!"

They made a full on sprint for the Second Escort.

"This is it! Nearly done!" Rinoa laughed. Maybe it was just that easy.

Squall fastened the safety cable, "another three codes?"  
"Five codes! Don't ask why! Continuity's a bitch!" Rinoa threw Squall down to the access panel.

"4, 1, 3, 4!"

"4, 1, 3, 4..."

Squall could see the guard approaching the door.

"3, 1, 4, 2!"  
"3, 1, 4, 2..."  
They were getting closer.

"4, 4, 4, 4!"  
"4, 4, 4, 4... Who the hell made that code?"

They were practically at the door.

"3, 1, 1, 2!"  
"3, 1, 1, 2..."  
"2, 2, 4, 4!"

"2, 2, 4, 4... Done!"

Squall tugged at the rope and was pulled back up, but not completely. He was hanging just above the door, the door which a guard was currently stood at.

"It's such a beautiful day, isn't it Marv?"

"Sure is, Johnny."  
"Don't look up..." Squall begged.

"Why, if I looked above me I'd see nothing but clear blue sky!"  
"Sure would..."  
"But I won't, lest I damage my eyes with the sun! If it was a cloudy day, I may just have looked up!"  
"Shut the hell up, Johnny..."  
Rinoa pulled Squall up, "how convenient that the train waited for us to move before it uncoupled!"

They jumped back onto the real Presidential car. It uncoupled from the Second Escort, as did the base from the First Escort. The base, along with the real Presidential car, escaped onto the other tracks, leaving the dummy car with the First and Second Escort.

It had worked.

Unbelievable...

Squall, Rinoa, Zell and Selphie landed in front of a wide-eyed Watts. They were all out of breath.

"You guys were amazing!" Watts shouted.

"Now all you need to do is go have words with him..." Zone said, stepping into the corridor while buckling his belt.

"Guys, let's go!" Rinoa said, puffing up her chest.

"Good luck... Oh, out of the way Watts; gotta clean out the pipes..." Zone rushed back off to, presumably, the toilet.

They all took a deep breath, and marched confidently into the President's car.

The room was dimly lit. Mood lighting? More like moody lighting.

"President Deling!" Rinoa called with a confident façade, but with a weak voice.

The President's head lifted up; he was facing away from the group and he had a newspaper in his hands, something about lunar activity or something.

"As long as you... co-operate you'll be... you won't get hurt!"

"And if I choose to resist? Then what would you do, young lady..." his voice mocked Rinoa with every syllable.

Rinoa was understandably shocked.

"It's too bad, young lady, that I'm NOT the real President... What they call a 'body double'."

"Looks like they were one step ahead..." Zell noted.

The fake President arose from his seat and span on his heels to face Rinoa. His eyes were crazy and he stood at a slant, favouring his right leg. He stepped towards Rinoa.

"All these resistances in Timber... You leak a little bit of false information and... well, it's like flies to shit... An amateur mistake..."  
Rinoa was taken aback, "amateur!?"

The fake President's head shook violently, his cackling laugh filling the car, "sitting on my ass all day really hurts, young LADY... So, have any PLANS for me? I am reSISting after ALL..."  
Rinoa stepped back, falling over. All she could do was open and close her mouth like a fish.

Squall reached for his gunblade. Selphie reached for her nunchucks. Zell reached... Well, Zell didn't have to reach for anything, considering his weapon was attached at the arm.

"SO, what PLans do you HAve for me? A littLE bit of ROUghing up? Or how ABOut a jig? Or how about a scuFFLE? I liKE that Idea!"

The fake President launched at Rinoa. With a swift movement, Squall jumped from his position, drawing his gunblade and landed in front of the oncoming fake President. Squall stopped the attack with a deft swipe, knocking back the fake President.

"You FELL for it! AMAteurs!" the fake President sang as he danced around the car, as if he'd just come from West Side Story.

"Are we taking this guy out?" Zell asked Squall.

"Well durr!" Squall mocked as he took another swing the fake President.

"Is that ALL you'VE got?" the fake President went as far as taking a bite out of Squall's shoulder.

"What the hell..." Squall said, rubbing his shoulder.

The fake President was avoiding the attacks of the SeeD. He laughed and mocked them as their offences failed to amount to anything.

"Not JOIning in, YOUng laDY? I'm just GOIng to conTINue ranDOMly emphSISing syllabLES!"  
"Randomly emphasise this!" Zell screamed as he swung his fists into the fake President.

They hit. He fell. Zell cried.

"Good... Good... GOOD!" the fake President carried on laughing and he started to shake violently all over. His laugh deepened and his shape transformed. Mutated.

Before them stood the fake President no longer, but now a large, looming beast known as a Gerogero. It had pale skin and its body was disfigured, his left leg noticeably larger.

"What is that?" Selphie screamed over the blunt cries of the Gerogero.

"I have no idea!" Squall gulped.

This monster was nowhere as near as agile as its previous form; the monster crawled across the room taking wild stabs at the team, who's attacks were landing, but not doing much damage. Zell went in for a swing of his fists, only to be stabbed by the cold hands of the Gerogero. Suddenly things declined for Zell; the piercing had left a large hole in his arm, and blood was currently pouring from it.

"Potion..." he moaned as he span around the room, "potion!"

Selphie jumped at the word and retrieved a potion from her equipment bag. She threw it to Zell who's motor skills had fallen, thus he dropped the bottle. His eyes span in his head as he fumbled with the bottle's cap. He yanked it off and attempted to pour the contents onto his wound. The bottle slipped from his hands and the content spilt onto the Gerogero. It screamed with pain at the small splash of potion.

"What just happened?" Selphie asked as she aided Zell.

"How can potion hurt it?" Squall pondered.

He remembered a class not long ago; the properties of healing items. He remembered Seifer was being an idiot that day; slipped laxatives into Squall's coffee...

Then he remembered something Quistis said...

"I have a heavy flow..."  
No... She DID say that, but that was a different lesson. She said something else that was actually useful and not disgusting.

"Healing items have a positive effect on any living thing. I repeat, on any LIVING thing..."  
Living thing... But what did that mean...

"LIVING THING..."  
It was on the tip of Squall's tongue.

"For god's sake, Squall! On any living thing, but not on the UNDEAD! Jesus Christ, you're stupid..."

Eureka! He had it!

"Selphie! Throw me a Phoenix Down!" Squall asked cheerily.

"But no one's been killed... Or fainted... However the bloody item works..."  
"Just give it me!"  
Selphie sighed and threw Squall a Phoenix Down. He unscrewed the cap.

"Hasta la vista, baby!" Squall said (lamely, I might add) throwing the contents onto the Gerogero.

Using logic, Squall deducted that if a Phoenix Down revives a LIVING thing, then it would have the opposite effect on the UNDEAD. Take that Columbo...

The Gerogero cried in agonising pain and, with a last whimper, collapsed on the car floor.

"Thank god," Squall sighed, "so it WAS a good thing a shit my pants that day..."

-----

Whew! Glad that's done!

I'm starting to fall behind in my writing, so forgive me if there isn't a new chapter next week.

Just giving you the advanced heads up. Thanks for reading!


	12. Chapter 12 Find The Game References!

Could it be? Am I actually uploading a new chapter?  
Yes I am! Here it is! Enjoy!

Chapter 11 – Find the Game References!

Previously

-------------

"Hello, I'm Zell. I have been asked to round up the events of the last ten chapters. Well it all started when Squall and Seifer had a fight and Squall was all like 'boo hoo Seifer hates me' but they both totally love each other and the day they throw each other down and have guilty sex is so inevitable. But anyway, it's not about Squall and Seifer, it's totally about me. So while Squall was out with Quistis fighting Ifrit and fighting the thick sexual tension, I was doing my shit around school. I totally saved these two hot girls and they were like 'oh Zell, have wild sex with us' and I was like 'bitch, hell no, you ain't good enough for this beef' and then they started making out and it was so totally awesome. And then we went to Dollet and then Seifer ran away, but I caught up with him and was like 'bitch, you better change your attitude or I'll shove my fist where the sun don't shine' and I'm pretty sure he exchanged looks with Squall. Then this chick called Selphie turned up and she was all over me. She totally grabbed my ass. But then we fought this big bat monster and I totally took it out and Squall and Seifer started kissing my feet and Selphie fed me grapes 'cos I'm totally awesome. And then there was this giant enemy crab and then we had to make a heroic escape and Squall was all like 'leave me behind, save yourselves' and I was like 'no man gets left behind' so I carried him on my shoulder and there was a huge explosion and I looked badass and that Xu chick totally came on to me, even though she's totally lesbian for Quistis. And then I was made SeeD and Cid was like 'you're the only one worthy enough' and I was like 'my team did sub-par so they should totally be SeeD, as well as that guy I don't know'. Then we had the ball and there was a huge queue of girls who wanted to ride my pony *wink wink*. And then they wanted to sex me up. But I was like 'none of you is good enough'. Then we got sent on a mission to Timber, but we had to fight this Diablos thing and I totally whooped it's ass. And then we all had this freaky dream and I was this kickass whale of a guy with an anchor for a weapon and it was sweet. And then we reached Timber and their leader was this girl Squall knew, but she totally liked me more. She totally flashed me her puppies. And then we kidnapped the President, but he turned out to be fake, which I said but no one listened and they all tried apologising and I was like 'dudes, shut the hell up' and Squall threatened to cut his arm off if I didn't forgive him and I was like 'dude, chillax'. And that was it. Now you can carry on with the story... I so could have slept with all those girls but I'm a classy guy..."

-----

"Right, where's the can; I got a train that needs to leave the station if you catch my drift..." Zell said, winking at Rinoa.

"Well done, Sir!" Watts cried as he shook Squall's hand violently.

"Mission successful! Let's go get drunk until we find each other sexually attractive!" Zone said gleefully.

"We can't," Squall said, "the real President's out there. The one we just fought was a distraction, but for what?"  
"But Squall," Selphie moaned, "I want to get umpired!"  
"Umpired?"  
"Yes! Plus, our job is technically done now..."

Rinoa cleared her throat. And then again. People obviously thought she just had an infection.

"That technically isn't true..." Rinoa handed Squall her contract with Cid.

Squall read it quickly, "wait, this is a subscription form for a magazine called 'Hot & Heavy'..."  
"That's mine..." Zone said, snatching it away, "I promise you it's a magazine about volcanoes..."

Rinoa shuffled through her forms, "Zone! How many 'volcano' magazines have you subscribed to?"  
"Well, unless you're willing to, Watts is my only source of sexual release..."  
"Weren't we going to have alcohol?" Watts chirped up.

"So I have to find another outlet. Here's the contract..."  
Squall read it. Selphie read it. Zell tried to read it, but got distracted by the dust particles in the air.

"So basically..." Squall said.

"...We are in your debt until we..." Selphie said.

"...I wonder what the back of my head looks like..." Zell said.

"... Basically, we're you're bitches until Timber gains independence," Squall sighed.

"Yes. And that wasn't an easy task. Let's just say I have my ways..." Rinoa said, chuckling menacingly.

"Blackmail?" Zell asked, "were they nude photos? Can I see?"  
"No they weren't nude photos!" Rinoa snapped, "let's just say the cafeteria meat isn't from any animal you'd find on a farm..."  
"New news, Sir!" Watts said excitedly, "the President! He's at the TV Station!"  
"Maybe he's going to announce Timber's independence!" Rinoa squealed.

Everyone laughed, which isn't surprising since that is the stupidest idea ever.

"Whatever's going on, we need to be there to stop it!" Zone barked, "and when I say we I mean you four!"

"Right," Squall said authoritatively, "I'll need to choose a team of three people to visit the TV Station..."  
"Wait, what?" Rinoa spluttered, "how the hell does that make any sense."  
"What? Standard SeeD procedure..."  
"So it's safer to travel as a group of three than in a group of four?"  
"Yeah..."  
"So if we were at war, an army of three people is better than an army of three thousand?"  
Squall paused, "sure..."  
"BS. We're travelling as a four..." Rinoa stormed out of the Conference room.

"You know Squall, she's right..." Zell said.

"Zell," Squall sighed, "shut the hell up."

"Right," Zone chirped, "we're five minutes away from Timber. Better deploy the brakes now otherwise we'll shoot right past..."

The train (if you can call it that) screeched to a halt back where they had started.

"Success!" Watts cried as he jumped off the train.

"But we lost three people and half the train back there..." Squall said, confused.

"Exactly. That's a success..." Watts dusted himself off, "right, the TV Station is quite close. If you go..."  
"Blah blah blah," interjected Zell, "we'll find it. Plus, we have Rinoa!"  
Rinoa stepped off of the train, "are we going? As a foursome?"  
"I heard foursome!" Zone said, appearing from nowhere.

"Yes," sighed Squall, "foursome it is..."  
"Will people stop making sexual innuendos!" Zone cried.

"Does anyone have a hotdog to put in my bun?" Selphie asked.

Zone collapsed on the floor.

"Seriously, I've not eaten since we got off of the train..."

"Right," Watts said, "the TV Station is behind the Timber Maniacs building..."  
"Timber Maniacs! I love that magazine!" Zell interrupted.

"Can you stop interrupting me, Sir?" Watts said angrily, "now, Princess, do you..."

"Princess? Why don't you just get down and lick her..."  
"STOP INTERRUPTING ME!" Watts screamed, turning red. And then purple. He may have been having a heart attack.

"Well that was rude," Zell said meekly, "he interrupted me."  
Everyone headed off in the direction of the TV Station.

"Please finish your sentence," Zone said, licking his lips.

"Okay... What was I saying?"  
"Get down and lick her..."  
"Oh," Zell said, "lick her shoes. What else?"  
Zone rolled his eyes, "all aboard. We're leaving! Watts, give the train a push would you. Watts. Watts?"

The streets of Timber were eerily quiet. The sound of chugging machinery filled the air. That and Zell's voice. Galbadia must have sucked the life out of Timber.

They headed down an alleyway, and down some steps and appeared in front of a bar, in front of which were two Galbadian soldiers.

"Oh cool!" one of them said, "look what I took from that idiot in the bar!"  
"Whoa! A card!" the other one said in awe, "that is so coooool!"

"Yeah," the first one scoffed, "I'm really cool because I beat up a person smaller than me!"  
"Wow," Zell said, "so he's basically a bully..."  
"The author must have some troubles..." Rinoa said.

…

…

Hey! Wait a minute!

"Hey," the first soldier said, "ever get a feeling that you're being watched?"  
"You mean like a duck watching you?"  
"Yeah... Wait, what? A duck?"  
"Oh sorry, I meant a di..."  
Squall jumped out from his hiding place, "now, now boys, let's keep this clean!"  
"Wow," Selphie said, "this chapter is very camp..."

…

…

Hey! Wait a minute!

The two Galbadian soldiers charged at Squall. With a quick swipe he managed to take down one of the soldiers. But the other was too quick and managed to take Squall from behind (somewhere Zone's ears pricked up) and knocked him over. The soldier loomed over Squall and for a split second it looked like Squall's life was ending, which would really make this the worst first day at work ever.

"Do a barrel roll!" Zell screamed.

But before Squall felt the cold metal of a bullet in his heart, the soldier fell over. Squall dusted himself off and noticed blood pouring from the back of the soldier's head. On closer inspection, a small, sharp object was lodged in his head.

"You pussy," Rinoa said, rolling her eyes.

Squall hadn't noticed that the thing on her arm was a weapon. He thought it was a watch. It was like some sort of lethal slingshot that released sharp discs at such a velocity it could kill. Sweet.

Squall picked up the card that the soldiers had been guffawing over.

"What the hell?" Squall grimaced, "it's a Buel card! They seemed so excited, I assumed it would be a good card!"  
"Calm down, "he thought to himself, "don't want another episode. I've put enough children in wheelchairs..."

They entered the bar. Smoke filled the air, as well as the stench of failure and defeat. Squall would bet all his money that this bar was full of 30-something year old fathers of two, most likely working a 9 to 5 desk job.

"I've had enough of this city!" slurred a man in the corner of the pub, "I came here for a good time, tried to get away from my wife, two kids and desk job. Thought I could get laid by pretending to be a rich business man. But no. NO! Galbadia had to ruin my fun. First they take all the rooms in the hotel, so I have to stay with a single guy called Steve, who has a suspicious amount of nude photos on his wall. Nude MALES. And then, then I, sorry, I need to throw up... Nope, just a belch, and then I get my precious card stolen. And then I find out my ticket to see Mamma Mia was a fake. Then I find out I have hepatitis. Why? Tell me why?"

"I say you have another drink," the barman said.

"I would do, but I was mugged of all my money..."  
"The Galbadians took your money too!?"  
"No, I was mugged by a ten year old earlier. The kid had a knife! A knife! A butter knife!"

"Excuse me?" Rinoa said sympathetically, "is this your card?"  
The drunkard looked deep into Rinoa's eyes. Tears welled up in his eyes. He tried to take a sneaky grab of her breasts.

"It is! Thank you!"  
The drunkard took the card.

"Now you have your card back, can you move for us so we can get past?"  
The drunkard looked deep into Rinoa's eyes. Tears welled up...

"I'm not falling for that again!" she exclaimed, taking a huge leap backwards.

"Come on! I can show you a good time!" the drunkard sniggered.

"Squall," Rinoa whispered to Squall, "that's the only way to the TV Station..."  
"Seriously?"  
"Yeah, I think the person who designed the city's layout was high at the time..."  
"Hey!" the barman shouted, "you can't pay for that, you can't drink that!"  
The drunkard took another swig of his drink and simple stuck his tongue out.  
"I have a plan," Squall said, withdrawing money from his pocket, "I'll pay for that drink!"  
Squall slammed the money on the counter.

"Now I think you can do us a favour..." Squall said, lowering himself to the drunk's level.

The drunkard looked deep into Squall's eyes. Tears welled up...

"Wait a minute! You're not the hot chick!" the drunkard spat, "and I ain't movin'!"

Squall strode back to the group, defeated.

The group exchanged defeated glances. Not twenty-four hours ago had they beaten a giant robotic spider, and now they were defeated by a drunk.

"Look at this news; 'resistance groups'! Pah! They're ruining it for everyone!"

Rinoa's eyes narrowed.

Rinoa marched over to the drunk, "you got something to say?"  
"Ever heard of motor-boating?" asked the drunkard, staring at Rinoa's breasts.

Rinoa grabbed the drunk by the throat, "the resistance's of Timber are actually trying to do some good. Fighting for what they believe! They're trying to do the best they can!"  
"Rinoa, you're going super sonic..." Squall said, his ears ringing.

"Falcon Punch!" Rinoa cried, throwing the drunk across the bar, "LETS GO!"

The three SeeD exchanged glances again. This time they were glances of pure fear.

"NOW!"

They headed into the back alley. Up ahead they could see the TV Station. Squall wondered if he could get a part in an episode of CSI. He loved that show.

"Whoa," Zell gaped, "it's huge. Wonder if I can get a part in CSI?"  
Squall's eyes narrowed.

"Stay calm," he thought to himself, "Zell doesn't have his own portfolio. Score one for me..."

The area was quiet and calm. That kind of stereotypical calmness where it's actually too calm. As they climbed the stairs to the walkway that led to the TV Station, their shoes echoing as they hit the cold metal, they couldn't help but notice the large TV screen on the side of a building. All it showed was static, rolling along constantly.  
"I only just thought," Rinoa mused, "we could probably conserve electricity if we turned this off..."  
It was only now that the party noticed a panting sound, probably an overweight twenty-something year old man.  
"Hey guys!" Watts panted. Told you so.

"Watts? What are you doing here?" Rinoa quizzed.

"Oh, thanks, no 'how's the heart, Watts?'" Watts muttered, "the TV Station is well guarded. Right, see you later."  
"Wait, is that it?"  
"Oh and Zone wants to know where you left the remote..."  
"I don't know..."  
"Well you had it last."  
"Well check where I was sitting."  
"We did!"  
"Did you remove the cushions first?"  
"Yes!"  
"Did you check down the back AND sides?"  
"Yes!"  
"How about under the sofa?"

"Yes! Wait, I have a message from Zone... Oh, it was in his pocket the whole time..."  
Watts stormed off muttering about low IQ and mental retardation.

"Right! Plan B!" Rinoa said, rubbing her hands together, "do you guys know any choreographed dance sequences that can act as a distraction?"  
"I was in a production of Grease once!" Zell chirped.

"You were a T-Bird?" Rinoa laughed.

"No. I was a Pink Lady..."  
Was it a joke? Answers on a postcard please...

"Whatever you decide we'll go ahead and do it," Squall said, "we're you're bitches. If you can do this is a different thing all together..."  
"Excuse me?" Rinoa choked.

Squall sighed, "forget it."  
Rinoa forced Squall to meet her eyes, "go on! What were you saying?"  
"Just leave it..."  
"No come on!" Rinoa said, pushing Squall.

Squall couldn't stop himself, "Well excuse me, Princess! Are you serious? Really? You and your lapdogs just sit on the floor scratching your asses pretending to come up with some half-baked plan that will most likely fail, god knows how you choreographed that train mission considering those dunces are just figuring out that a rock can be used as a tool for cracking nuts, or maybe they can use them to crack open each others skulls and see if a brain does actually exist in those cavernous heads. And then you can't actually make a plan without asking us for help. Really, how do you think we feel working for a bunch of idiots who couldn't organise putting their pants on in the morning!"

Rinoa had nothing to say.

She looked at the floor, cleared her throat and said, "which Pink Lady?"  
"Did you actually hear me!?" Squall barked.

"Yes, Squall, I did," Rinoa croaked, "but I was just trying to interject humour into this conversation after your big downer! And no, this isn't a joke to us. We are so serious it hurts; that's why Zone has that growth on his back!"  
Zell almost vomited.

Rinoa fled the scene, tears streaming out of her eyes.  
"Squall, you need lessons on social etiquette," Selphie chirped, "lesson one; what not to say to your boss..."

Suddenly, the large screen behind them lit up. Their eyes met the sadistic grin of a man in a pinstripe suit.

"Testing. 1, 2, testing," he said, with an all too menacing under tone, "can everyone hear me? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in 17 years we are broadcasting live over the air waves! I told those fat cats not to tear this building down and they were all 'but what about the poor orphans boo hoo'. Well look who was right, so stuff you, orphans!"  
"How unusually cruel..." Squall sighed.

Selphie was crying. What a wimp.

"Sorry, I lost my composure," the man on the screen said, "and now for something completely different! Ladies and Gentlemen, here is the President of Galbadia, Vinzer Deling!"  
The man waddled off screen and Vinzer Deling, hopefully the real one, hobbled onto the screen.

"People of the world, I am here today to make a proposition. We have suffered through wars we could have prevented..."  
"Rinoa was right!" Selphie cheered, "it's a message of peace!"  
"Hey bitch, have you finished interrupting me?" Deling barked, "unfortunately, there are obstacles that stand between us and other nations, preventing peace. And now, I introduce to you our Ambassador... Wait, a couple of messages first, to the owner of a big robotic spider, you are double parked near the beach of Dollet. And 'to Mark, I love you, please do not go through with the operation, you are perfect as a man, from Julie'. And now the Ambassador... The Sorceress!"

"The Sorceress?" Zell blurted, "does she not have a name?"

"Thanks, I was just getting to that..." Deling retorted, "Sorceress..."

At that moment, screams came from behind the cameras. Deling's attention was split and his eyes widened at the sight of what was before him. Seifer. He had broken into the studio and was now fighting Galbadian guards. He swept them away, knocking over the camera in the process. He hurtled towards the frozen President and held his gunblade to his throat. Seifer seemed to have his eyes fixated on something. They soon found out what, or more appropriately, who it was. Clad in her usual peachy coloured dress, Quistis stormed into the studio.

"Squall, what do we do?" Zell asked, his voice shaking.

"Nothing. It's none of our business..."  
"Timber team, get your asses over here ASAP!" Quistis screamed into the over turned camera.

Zell and Selphie looked to Squall.  
"There's probably loads of Timber teams..." Squall said.

"No, I'm talking to you, yes you. SL, ZD and ST..."  
"There's probably loads..."  
"God damn you Squall! Get here now!"

Squall rolled his eyes, "fine. Let's roll..."  
"Dude," Zell grimaced, "no one says that any more; too cliché..."

"Seifer!" Quistis shouted, "if you let go of the President I'll give you a piece of cake..."  
"Mmm, cake..." Seifer druelled, "wait, are you telling the truth?"  
"Of course! Did you think the cake was a lie?"  
"Ugh," the President choked, "a Portal joke, how original..."  
"Seifer!" Squall shouted as he ran into the room.  
"Will people stop shouting at me!" Seifer shouted (how ironic), "and stop calling me by my name! Call me SA. Or Snake. Yeah, I like Snake..."  
"Chillax, bro," Zell scoffed, "it's not like he knows we're from Balamb Garden and that you live in room 23B. Oh shit..."  
"Now you've gone and done it, Chicken-wuss..."  
The President's lips curled into a smile, "Garden, eh? You do anything to me and the whole Galbadian Army will rain down on you like... well, like rain. And all of you; Squall, Seifer, Chicken-wuss, Blonde, Boobs – I made up those last two names based on your lovely features – will all perish. Mwa ha ha ha ha!"

"Quick question," Selphie asked, "am I Blonde or Boobs?"

"I'll leave you incompetent fools to clean up this mess!" Seifer spat. He dragged the President backstage.

"Quick!" Zell said, "after him!"  
"No," Squall objected, "we wait for the plot point to arrive..."

Meanwhile, backstage!

A strange haze filled the room. It was kind of like someone had burned a load of incense candles, without the sickly sweet smell.

"!?" Seifer... said? Exclaimed? Seriously, what the hell does that even mean?

"Poor, poor boy..." A voice echoed out.

"Who said that?" Seifer shouted, his voice shaking because he was scared. Poor wickle Seifer...

"Poor, poor boy..."  
"Stay away from me! I have mace..."  
"So confused..."  
"Hey!" Seifer barked, "I totally like girls and that's it!"

A woman, slim and slender, looking like some sort of show girl, one of the classy ones that doesn't show any skin but is still totally hot, emerged from the shadows. Her eyes had a cold, dead stare, piercing Seifer's soul. If he has one.

"Seifer!" Quistis shouted as she finally entered the room. She made her way to Seifer, but an invisible forcefield prevented her from getting close, "damn! If only I had entered the room straight after Seifer!"

"What are you going to do, little boy? Are you going to step forward, step backward, step sideways. Do the hokey-kokey..."  
"Shut up!"

"The boy in you is telling you to come. The adult in you is telling you to back off. The prepubescent teen in you is telling you to make a crude joke."  
"Shut up... Boobarella..."

"Don't be ashamed to ask for help, after all, you are only a little boy..."  
"I am not a BOY. And I am not little, in any sense of the word. Wink wink. I mean my penis."  
"Let go of your childhood and come with me into adulthood!"  
"Score! I am so getting laid!"  
Seifer threw down the President and headed towards the mysterious woman with wide eyes, like a child in a candy store. Or, more appropriately, a man in an adult store.

Squall burst into the room with Zell and Selphie, conveniently in time to see Seifer wave goodbye to his peers and his childhood. Him and his new Sorceress friend disappeared into the wall. They all looked on in awe.

"Hey guys," Rinoa said cheerily, "where's Seifer?"  
"I have no idea..." Squall said.

"Did someone say something?"

"SQUALL SAYS HE HAS NO IDEA" Zell shouted directly in her ear.

"Will he be okay?"

"With any luck, the bastard'll get his balls ripped off..." Squall muttered.  
Everyone stared at him in disbelief.

"Oh right, sorry," Squal apologised, "he doesn't have any..."

"All our base are belong to them..." Rinoa sighed as everyone gathered at the bottom of the stairs.

"Is everyone okay?" Selphie asked.

"They're fine. They're good at escaping; they're like rats..."

"They look like rats too," Squall thought to himself.

"Ha! I'm so awesome..." he said out loud.

Rinoa furrowed her brow, "we need to get somewhere safe, stay out of Timber for a while..."  
They entered the pub. Now, here is an unnecessary boring point in the story where Rinoa is helped out by another member of the Timber resistance. Here are the parts you need to know.

"What will happen to Seifer?" asked Rinoa.

"Probably dead." said Squall.

"Inappropriate joke!" said Zell.

"You're a big meany!" cried Rinoa.

Congraturation! You're awkward sexual tension went up another level! You are now at level 'imminent love story'!

"Where to?" asked Selphie.

"Garden code!" said Quistis.

"Galbadia Garden!" said Squall.

"Train!" said Zell.

And that's the gist of that scene.

"Psst," a strange cloaked man whispered to Rinoa as they all made their way to the train station, "I've got something for you under my trench coat..."  
Rinoa stared wide eyed.

"Wait a minute... The writer is trying to set up a flasher joke and I'm supposed to mace you or something. You're actually Zone! Fine give me the tickets..."  
"Okay, here ya go!" the cloaked man whipped open his trench coat and revealed his naked body. Should have listened to me Rinoa.

"Rinoa! It's me Zone!" another cloaked man called. By the way, this one actually is Zone.

"The train for East Academy Station is about to leave and they're sold out of tickets..."  
"Generic ditzy catchphrase!" Selphie pouted.

"Luckily I have five tickets! Three for you SeeD and two for me and Rinoa!"  
Quistis, feeling awkward, could only look at the ground.

"Here," Zone sighed, pushing the ticket into Quistis' hand, "it's dangerous to go alone, take this."

"I can't," Quistis said, grabbing the ticket.

"Well I'll take it back," said Zone, trying to pry back the ticket.

"No, if you insist then I'll keep it..."

Quistis tore the ticket away from Zone and held it close to her chest.

"Just get going," Zone cringed, bending over with... Constipation? Whatever the hell is wrong with him.

"Right guys, let's go," Squall said, marching towards the train.

"Er, Squall," Zell said, tapping Squall on the shoulder, "it's the end of the chapter, you need to finish with a joke or something..."  
"Oh," Squall sighed.

He scratched his head, wringing his mind for an answer.

"I've got one! Looks like we

Thank you Squall! But our joke is in another Chapter!

-----

Thanks for reading, boys and girls!  
Remember to read and review!


	13. Chapter 13 Trust Me, I'm an Idiot

Chapter 12 – Trust Me, I'm An Idiot

"East Academy Station..." Squall said, "let's not lose anyone. I'm looking at you, Zell."  
"Whatever. I don't get lo- ooh! Snack bar!" Zell rushed over to the mini fridge in the SeeD carriage.

"Squall," Quistis whispered, "I think you need to talk to Zell. He's feeling guilty about the whole revealing-we're-from-Garden-and-basically-screwing-us-all-over thing."

Squall looked to Zell, who was currently stuffing his face with chocolate, so much so that his entire face was covered in the stuff.

"He looks fine," Squall murmured, rolling his eyes.

Quistis hit him over the head, "don't you roll your eyes at me young man!"  
"Young man?" Squall winced, "you're only one year older than me!"  
"You go over there and comfort him! NOW!"  
Squall took a small jump back, trying to escape Quistis' wrath. He walked over to Zell, each step raising the awkwardness levels.

"So Zell," Squall said, lowering himself to Zell's level, "about what happened at the TV Station; don't feel too responsible..."  
"I'm okay with it!" he chirped.

"You're okay with it?" Squall choked, "but you endangered everyone's lives!"  
Through a mouthful of gooey chocolate, Zell said, "nah, s'all good!"

Squall rubbed his forehead furiously, "Zell, I... You... We..."

Zell wasn't even looking at Squall.

"Fine. I hope you're happy knowing you've basically MURDERED everyone back at Garden. It's all your fault!"  
"Sure you do!" Zell spat.

Squall exhaled, "are you even listening to me?"  
"About five feet."  
Squall unsheathed his gunblade and raised it above Zell's head.

"East Academy Station. Next stop, East Academy Station."  
Squall sheathed his gunblade, "RIGHT! GET ME OFF OF THIS TRAIN!"

Squall span on his heels and marched towards the door, knocking Zell's head with his elbow.

He sprinted to the door and flung it open. He breathed in the air.

"Ahh, fresh air..."  
"We were on the train for ten minutes, Squall," Quistis said.

"I know," Squall beamed, "but out here there is a distinct lack of idiocy..."  
Squall looked around and gathered his bearings.  
"Over there..." Squall squinted, pointing to a small forest. On the horizon you could make out a large structure.

"Are we all ready?" Squall said optimistically.

Little did he know, one person was still on the train, eating their weight in chocolate.

As Squall started walking, Rinoa grabbed his shoulder, "er... Zell?"  
Squall's smiling face sank into an unimpressed frown, which then turned into an angry furrow, and then into a full-blown pissed off scowl. He turned quickly and threw himself into the SeeD carriage.

"What the hell are you doing?" he hissed.

Zell looked up at him, "eating chocolate. Want some?"  
Squall's face twitched. Somewhere in his body, a Zell shaped tumour was forming.  
"Are you coming, Squall?" Selphie asked.

Squall span round and came face to face with all three of the girls. His heart stopped.  
"Bollocks..."  
"Next stop, middle of nowhere. Next stop, middle of nowhere."

There they stood. Middle of bloody nowhere. Squall sat on the ground, head in hands. Everyone looked to him, expecting an answer.

"I don't got no answer... Look at me!" Squall cried, "I can't even form good sentences!"

Zell, still eating chocolate, knelt down to Squall's level, "Squall, I'm sorry..."  
Squall looked up at Zell. If Zell could admit what he'd done wrong, that would at least be one small victory.

Zell put his sticky hand on Squall's shoulder, "I'm sorry... But I need to throw up. Back in a sec..."  
Zell ran to a nearby bush and hurled all of the chocolatey goodness back up.

"Do you have a battle plan, Mr SeeD?" Rinoa joked.

"Yeah," Squall sighed, "we live out here in the wilderness and when we need food we just eat Zell..."

"Urgh!" Selphie spat, "I bet he'd taste horrible!"  
"I'd say I'm more of a delicacy," Zell said.

"No one's eating anyone!" Quistis shouted, "now Dollet is close by..."  
"How close? An hour? Two hours?" Squall cried.

"No," Quistis said, "it's right behind you..."  
Squall turned round and found Dollet was right behind him.

"I thought we were in the middle of nowhere?"  
"No," Quistis laughed, "that's just the name of the street. Look, 'Middle of Nowhere Street'"  
"Huh," Squall said, "seems like a bit of a convenience..."  
"Seems like lazy writing..." Selphie chirped.

The train they had just arrived on turned out to be the last train for the day, so their only option was to rent a car. Or a blimp. They should so hire a blimp! That could only end well!

-----

"WHY? WHY DID WE TAKE THE BLIMP! THEY'RE ALL DEAD!"

Zell collapsed into the wreckage of the blimp and picked up a severed hand.

"This was Squall's hand!" Zell wailed, slipping the hand into his pocket.

"WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS!?"

-----

Not such a good idea. So it's a good job they rented a car!

"Stop it," Selphie barked at Zell, "stop it! Squall, Zell keeps touching me!"  
"I do not!"  
"If you two don't shut up I'll turn this car around and none of us will get to go to Galbadia Garden!"  
Squall wondered whether or not that was actually a threat.

"Zell! Stop touching my leg!"  
"She touched me first!"  
Squall slammed on the brakes, "stop touching each other's legs! It will lead to awkward sexual tension which will ultimately lead to procreation! And you two are NOT procreating! Quistis, sit between the two of them!"  
Zell's eyes brightened up.  
"On second thoughts, Zell you sit in the front with me..."  
Zell's eyes brightened further.

"Zell just get on the roof and hold on tight..."  
And off they set. Into the horizon! Who knew what adventures they would have...

In case you were wondering, they had no adventures. This is about as exciting as it got.

"Looks like we're gonna have rain..."  
"That should be good for the flora..."

"..."

"..."  
"Can I get back in the car?"

They reached their original destination; East Academy Station. They all piled out of the car, except Zell who shimmied off the roof.

"Right! To Galbadia Garden!" Squall said, leading the way.

"What about the car?" Rinoa quizzed.

Squall looked around the station. He saw a drunk hobo hobbling around.

"Here," Squall said, "drive safely."  
"Fah-baga-ahfandad!" the hobo snatched the keys and got in the car.  
Who knew what adventures he would have... Probably no adventures; he most likely died. Or maybe he pimped his ride and became Knight Rider. Nah, he probably crashed and died... I'll let that thought sink in... Burning flesh and alcohol... Remember kids, don't give your car to drunk homeless people!

"Through that forest..." Quistis pointed.

And so they set off into the forest. Soon enough they would be in Galbadia Garden with no barriers getting in their way...

"Such a beautiful day..." Rinoa opined, "isn't it Squall?"  
Squall lazily nodded his head.

"Are you even listening to me?"  
Squall couldn't listen to her. There was a loud ringing that was... Oh...

Squall looked to his left and saw Quistis collapse to the floor. And on his right, Selphie was slumping against a tree.

"No..." Squall moaned, "not again!"

Squall staggered around, trying to stay conscious. As he span around the forest clearing, he tripped over a rock, falling flat on his face.

"Please... Not... Laguna..."

"Are we in the right place?" Ward asked Kiros.

"Don't ask me. Ask Captain Cook..." Kiros span around and looked at Laguna, who was staring at his map with glazed over eyes.

"Don't worry boys! Have I ever gotten us lost?" Laguna smirked.

"Just yesterday!" Kiros said, "we ended up in a protest march!"  
"I said," Laguna barked, "I really felt for their cause!"  
"They were fighting against the use of armed forces..."  
"Exactly!"  
Kiros shook his head in disbelief, "but you're in the armed forces..."  
Laguna opened his mouth, but that's as far as he got.

"And now?" Ward asked.

"Now," Kiros said, "we are, yet again, lost..."

"Yeah, this isn't the right map..." Laguna moaned.

Kiros snatched the map out of Laguna's hands, "Laguna, this is a map of a maze that you got from that fast food place! Look, you have to help the moogle find the nut!"  
"Well, at least I found the nut!"  
"But you didn't! You gave up half way!"

"Boys, boys! Let's just carry on. Who knows; maybe we're in the right place!"

They carried on along the dirt path, littered with rocks. They arrived at an excavation site of sorts; many conveyor belts hauled rocks from A to B.

"Rocks!" Laguna gasped, "it appears we have found an illegal rock fighting ring!"  
"Wait, what?" Ward puzzled.

"Are you sure you're not getting confused with cock fighting rings?" Kiros asked.

"What! There's no such thing as cock fighting rings. Duh!" Laguna shook his head and carried on into the excavation site.

"Such a strange place..." Kiros said, looking around at the eerily quiet building that covered the machinery.

"Echo!" Laguna roared, "echo! Echo!"

"Laguna, there is no echo..."  
"Fine. Echo-o-o-o-o-o"  
"Laguna," Kiros snapped, "I know you're making the sound yourself."  
"No I'm not-ot-ot-ot-ot..."  
Deep within the machinery came a clanking noise. They weren't alone. Out of the dirty mist came a brightly coloured soldier. I think it's a soldier. Looking pretty fruity.

"Looks like Esthar are still wearing those funky uniforms..." Kiros sniggered.

"I see they are still trying to intimidate us with apparent insanity, well two can play at that game! I can't sleep because the octopuses won't stop playing chess!"  
Ward and Kiros exchanged glances; the kind of glances where they considered throwing their leader into the abyss below. The Esthar soldier charged at them.

"They're crazier than I first thought! Time to strip off, lads!" Laguna started to unbutton his uniform.

Kiros just threw him to the ground and pounced at the guard, knives drawn. He sliced into the Esthar soldier and with one deft kick threw him into the grinding machinery.

"More behind us!" Ward boomed. He took hold of his anchor and swung it round, knocking down the three guards.

"Here they come!" Laguna shouted, drawing his gun, "crap! It's jammed! Rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a!"  
He mimicked shooting his gun, sweeping it across the guards.

Kiros stepped in and dealt with the oncoming guards.

"I showed them who's boss!" Laguna smirked.

"Can we go before more come?" Kiros sighed, putting his blades back by his side.

"Sure! Let's go!" Laguna headed further into the excavation site.

"I meant can we go home. As in leave here," Kiros said, placing his hand on Laguna's shoulder.

"I'm afraid I don't understand, Kiros. Do you want to go into the excavation site?"  
"No, I want to turn back and leave..."  
"Leave further into the excavation site?"  
Kiros clenched his fists, "sure Laguna, I want to go further into the Esthar occupied mine!"

"I thought so!" Laguna laughed, "me and you, Kiros, we're on the same level. Ward, I'm disappointed in you..."

Ward looked bemused. Close to tears, even.

Laguna ran to a nearby ladder and gestured to the hole in the ground. Looks like they were going down.

"Ha... Ow, ow, ow..." Laguna cried as he fell off the ladder, "leg cramp..."

"What a load of bull..." Kiros murmured.

"What was that, Kiros?" Laguna sniffed.  
"I said do you want a pull. Do you want me to pull you up?"

"No thanks!" Laguna hopped, "boy, I should stretch before exercise!"  
"What exercise? That fight? The ladder trip?" Ward asked.  
"Pretty much all of it..."  
"But you didn't do anything."  
"Damn it Ward! Why don't you just keep your trap shut!" Laguna stormed onwards, "sometimes I just wish you would lose the ability to speak. End of badly set-up foreshadowing..."

The inside the excavation site looked like a crystallised cavern; with light reflecting off the rocks, every colour of the rainbow glistening in the eerie glow.

"Ooh! A key!" Laguna said with feverish eyes, "oh no! I lost it!"  
"Wait, what?" Kiros spluttered, "you found a key, which you immediately lost?"  
"Ain't that the way it works!" Laguna laughed.

"No, no, hold the fudge up," Kiros stood in Laguna's way, "what is the point of being able to pick up the key if you then immediately lose it?"

"Jeez, shut up, Kiros. It's only a key..." Laguna pushed Kiros out of the way and carried on.

Huh, what a pointless scene. Almost as pointless as a certain other scene involving a key. You bastards.

They carried on into the cavernous... caverns, forgetting about the fact that they probably had a mission to complete.  
"Look! Look!" Laguna said excitedly, pointing to a hatch on the ground.

"Great," Kiros sighed, "a hatch..."  
"But the hinge is loose!" Laguna drooled.  
"Okay, MacGyver, you have some sort of plan?"  
"Well, my friend..."  
"Acquaintance..."

"Acquaintance, some stupid Estharian... Estharite... Estharonian... Esthar..."  
"For the love of God, Laguna, what's the half-baked plan?" Ward growled.

"Some stupid Esthar dude might fall through this hatch if we loosen the hinge!" Laguna looked to his colleagues for support. Good luck.

"This ain't a Wile E. Coyote cartoon..." Kiros pointed out.

" A hush-push!" Laguna fiddled with the hinge. He strutted off.

"This will not work in a million years..." Ward and Kiros followed Laguna. Why? Well, they're paid to.

"Hey Frank, will you go get the drill from Steve?"  
"Sure, Rob, I'll be back in a seeeeeeeeeeeeec.... Ow."

"Oh! Look!" Laguna said, licking his lips, "another key!"  
"No, no, no. Put that shit down!" Kiros barked at Laguna, kicking his hand away.

"B-But..."  
"No! I ain't wasting my time!"  
"Kiros, calm down," Ward said soothingly, "you're slowly getting more and more ghetto..."  
"You don't tell me whadda do! Imma pimp slap yo ass!" Kiros stopped, and thought for a second, before continuing, "oh my God! I'm sorry Ward, this jackass brings out the worst in me..."  
"Damn you, key!" Laguna screamed, "look what you're doing to Kiros! Whoa! The key has disappeared!"  
"Let me shank him! Just a couple o' shanks!" Kiros lunged at Laguna, Ward only just managing to hold him back.  
"He must have jungle fever, Ward! I'll administer this black liquid I picked up from a shaman!"  
Kiros screamed.

"Laguna! Just put it away!" Ward pleaded with Laguna.

Laguna stored his potion away and, eventually, Kiros calmed down.

"Whoa! A detonator!" Laguna said. Sure enough, there was a detonator, connected to explosives positioned by boulders. That information wasn't really necessary.

"Looks like this blue switch is connected to that boulder," Ward stated, pointing to a nearby boulder, "and the red one is connected to the boulder further down, the one we just passed."  
"Cool," Laguna said, reaching for the button.  
Kiros slapped his hand away, "you could kill someone!"  
"Wait, you're a soldier; you kill people all the time. In fact, you JUST killed about four guards outside!"  
"True..."  
Laguna grabbed the detonator and pushed the red button. The whole cave shook violently.

"Now for the blue one!" Laguna laughed.

Kiros and Ward tried to stop Laguna, considering the explosives were right next to them, but Laguna's thumb had already firmly clamped down on the button.

"Oh hell no..." Kiros said, running for the exit, Ward not too far behind.

Laguna stood, looking on in awe, as the explosives gave a tiny poof of an explosion. The boulder lazily rolled down the hill, most likely crushing any Esthar workers in its path.

"How did you know it wouldn't be a big explosion?" Ward asked Laguna as he peeked up from his hiding place.  
"I didn't, Ward, I'm just stupid..."  
"So true..." Kiros sighed.

They staggered on. Further and further into the cavern. What they intended to find, who knows. It was obviously a nice little vacation for them.

"Do you hear that?" Laguna asked, stopping their parade.

Surely enough, Laguna wasn't crazy, and the sound of the sea came from one of the many caves.

They sprinted up into the daylight, which blinded them.

"Time to get the hell out of here!" Kiros said, tears rolling down his cheek.

They headed to the cliff edge, looking down to the choppy waters below.

"Thank Go..." Ward's words were cut short as a bullet shot into his neck.

Laguna swung round to find a fleet of Esthar soldiers, all of them with their guns raised. Ward had collapsed onto the ground, clutching at his throat.

"What do we do, Laguna?" Kiros gulped.

Laguna took hold of his gun, "we kick some fruity ass!"

With a speedy swoop, Laguna pelted the front row of soldiers with bullets. Kiros flanked the troops and glided through the crowd, slashing at them as he went. Laguna dove behind a rock and pulled out a grenade from his pocket. He pulled the pin out with his teeth and threw it into the masses. The explosion sent multiple Esthar soldiers flying into the air, some even flew off of the cliff face. Meanwhile, Kiros was dancing through their numbers, eliminating them one by one. Ward tried to crawl away to safety, but one Esthar soldier took hold of him and held him hostage.  
"No! Ward!" Laguna cried.

Kiros finished off the last few remaining guards and turned to find his friend in dangerous hands.

"Put your weapons down or I'll finish him off!" the guard growled, blood dripping from his nose.

Kiros and Laguna obeyed his orders and laid their weapons on the floor. More Esthar guards appeared.

"Ah, bollocks..." Laguna sighed.

So there they were. Laguna and Kiros were being held at gunpoint, while Ward was being held as a human shield while slowly bleeding to death. Laguna felt the nozzle of a gun prick his back. He turned to Kiros and gave a cheeky wink, which Kiros returned.

"Say bye bye, you Galbadian bitches!" the guard laughed.

But his words were pre-emptive. In perfect unison, Laguna and Kiros swung round and grabbed the guns that pricked their backs. They butted the guards with their own guns and turned them on the bemused Esthar soldiers. Kiros dropped the gun and swept down, picking up his knives. In one fluid motion he launched his blades at the guard holding Ward hostage; they became lodged in his temples.  
"Rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat, bastards!" Laguna screamed.

"It's over, Laguna..." Kiros panted, grabbing Laguna's arm.

They both collapsed next to Ward on the cliff edge. They both knew Ward was in serious danger.

"It... Wa... Fu... Guys..." Ward gasped, blood spewing from his injury.

"Don't talk, man..." Kiros said, dabbing at the wound.

"And don't talk like that! Look! Boats!" Laguna chirped.

Ward's eyes fluttered open and shut.

"Come on you brick shit-house!" Laguna groaned, picking up Ward.

"What are you doing, Laguna?" Kiros stuttered.

Laguna threw Ward into the waters below. He picked up Kiros next.

"Put me down..." Kiros winced, but before he knew it, he was thrown down as well.  
Laguna stepped to the cliff edge and looked down, "oh shit."  
He lowered himself down onto the cliff face, hoping to climb all the way down.

"Easy does it, Lag... oh shiiiiiii-...."

Squall's eyes burst open. He had broken out into a sweat. He jolted into an upright position and saw he was back in the forest with Zell and Rinoa. Selphie and Quistis were also just waking up.

"Squall, you're awake!" Rinoa ran over to Squall and helped him up.

"Laguna again," Zell stated, instead of asking.

Squall nodded.

"Still hot," he followed up with.

Squall nodded. Then shook. Then he stared at Zell who was in a dream like state.

"Sir Laguna's in BIG trouble..." Selphie gulped.  
"Why do you keep calling him Sir Laguna?" Zell asked.

"'Cos in my fantasies, that's just the way he likes it..." Selphie dipped into a dream like state of her own, biting her lip and sighing with pleasure.

"This isn't your first time?" Quistis asked, brushing herself off.

"No. On the train to Timber as well," Squall shook it from his head; they couldn't waste time thinking about it, "let's just carry on and say no more about it..."  
Squall marched ahead.

Zell pulled Selphie to one side, "can you tell me all about it?"  
"I can hear you Zell..." Squall said.

"Is Ward okay?" Zell asked.

Selphie didn't say anything. She just kept her head low and walked on, which was as good an answer as Zell could want.

"Can someone tell me what the hell just happened!?" Rinoa shouted.

Squall span round and grabbed Rinoa, "no. It's just an anomaly, and if you'd kindly, I'd like to get to Galbadia Garden and forget about it all. Okay?"  
Rinoa shook herself free, "Nokay. Tell me! Now! That is an order!"

Squall sighed and walked off.  
"Squall! Tell me!"  
Squall ran ahead, "la la la la la, I can't hear you..."  
Squall emerged from the forest. There, looming in front of him, was Galbadia Garden. The rest of the group weren't far behind him.

"Galbadia Garden," Zell said, "I've never seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy..."  
"Zell, please no Star Wars references..." Squall demanded.

"Okay..." Zell groaned.

"Good, let's go!"  
"It's a trap!"  
Squall span round and drew his gunblade. Ha! The fun they have...

-----

Laguna scenes; I hated playing them, loved writing them!  
Funny how the world works like that!

Sorry it's late, by the way. I had a memory lapse; I actually had this chapter ready really early!

Hope you enjoyed it, thanks for all the reviews so far, so keep 'em coming!


End file.
